Tag Archives: criminals

Taxing FIRS

taxesFIRS = F-word of your choice + IRS.

Are you enjoying national tax day? Are your taxes done? Or have you committed a boo boo?

The local news has been reporting the scam for months. Clever identity thieves somehow are able to take a minimal piece of information, like a social security number, and use it to abramoff with someone else’s tax refund.

The most unbelievable part is that they are somehow able to get around the world famous tight security at the IRS.

There’s one for you, nineteen for me.
–The Beatles, Taxman

Ah. A story problem. Math will elucidate the tax bracket faced by the The Beatles. 1 + 19 = 20. So the tax rate (the 19 for the taxman) is 19/20. My calculator tells me that equals .95 aka 95 percent. Yes, The Beatles were in the 95 percent tax bracket. Says Wikipedia, “As their earnings placed them in the top tax bracket in the United Kingdom, the Beatles were liable to a 95% supertax introduced by Harold Wilson’s Labour government.”

Hearing about this scam over and over again, and how it apparently worked, I began to formulate my plan. I was going to steal the Declaration of Independence file for Mitt Romney’s tax refund. With that I’d finally have enough money to retire, move to a beach on Zihuatanejo and hang out with Andy Dufresne and Ellis “Red” Redding.

All I had to do was get my hands on Mitt Romney’s W-2 forms. Dammit, foiled again!

Like I tried to teach my son when he was younger, there is no $20 dollar bill fairy. If you lose your money, there is no force in the universe that will say, “Tell me all about it. Here, allow me to give you some more.” It just don’t work that way. What’s gone is always gone and it always stays that way. So don’t lose that $20 dollar bill.

Meanwhile, though, apparently the IRS is in the habit of giving refunds to the wrong people. The bad people. And that got me to wondering. Is there a tax fairy?

Think of it this way: Let’s say I owe you $20. Then, for whatever reason, I give your money to Bob. Does this mean I no longer owe you a debt? I doubt you’d agree. You likely say, “I don’t care who you did what to for how many cookies. I want my $20. Guido here is about to offer some encouragement to your kneecaps.”

The simple point I’m trying to make is that the IRS being fooled by criminals should not alleviate their responsibility to give people their own money back. So you gave the money to Bob? Boo freakin’ hoo.

If not, then I suggest a new tax form. Let’s call it the 7734-PROX-EZ.

  • Line 1: Amount of tax you owe.
  • Line 2: Amount of money you gave Bob. (Enter amount of line 1.)
  • Line 3: Amount you own the IRS: (Subtract Line 1 from Line 2.)
  • Line 4: Sign full name to indicate your tax burden this year is a mulligan.

If the IRS isn’t being a tax fairy for the victims of crime then I’m sure they’ll understand.

Last, but not least, one other simple concept:

  • The guy who threw a rock and smashed your window to bits? He owns the glass store.
  • The guy who slashed the whitewalls on your car? He owns the tire store.
  • The people who make computer viruses? The makers of your favorite anti-virus software.
  • The company that makes tax filing software? They vigorously oppose efforts to make filing taxes simpler.

This is all, of course, predicted by GUNT, my Grand Unification Negativity Theory for everything.

In case that last bullet point is somehow unclear, let me say this:

TurboTax Maker Linked To Fight Against ‘Return-Free’ Tax System
Source: NPR

It looks like there is a tax fairy after all. He just works a bit differently (more sinister and evil) than even I expected. And his name is TurboTax. I try to be negative but sometimes even I can be schooled.

Well played, TurboTax.

Reblog Saturday Explorations

reblogI’m going to do things a bit differently on this episode of Reblog Saturday. Normally I try to focus on a single WordPress post in the last week and reblog it with minimal content.

This week I have more to say.

I started things like I always do: With a specific story in mind in searched WordPress for a narrative that told the story in a way that resonated with me. In this case, the story was about a stolen laptop and how the owner had programmed the thing to phone home to help catch the thief. I love feel good stories like these!

Alas, this was one of those times the internet let me down, so here’s a link to a simple news report.

KGW.com – Man using tracking software to follow thief’s every move

While conducting this search, as often happens, I got swept away down a rabbit hole to a destination that was totally new and unexpected. Sometimes an inherent randomness in search can bring great rewards. In this case, I found a video about feminism in video games. What? You had me at hello. It turned out to be one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen.

I love it when someone comes along and looks at everything we already know and draws mind-blowing conclusions. (It’s something I try to do myself from time to time.) I think this YouTube series of videos is a powerful example of this. I don’t think you necessarily have to have an interest in video games to imagine the dramatic impact of stuff like this on a society.

As usual, I’m late to the party. This has been out for six months and the series just hit 3,000,000 views. Congratulations!

In case you hadn’t heard, there was a really touching story this week about a Dairy Queen manager. I, of course, couldn’t help but notice who made it all possible, an asshole human being of almost unimaginable dimensions. I find myself thinking about her a lot.

NPR.org – Praise Pours In For Dairy Queen Manager Who Helped A Blind Man

Lastly, a story making news this week, involves the case of a Labor Day party and a vacation home earlier this year. The home happened to belong to former NFL player Brian Holloway. Approx. 300 teens broke into the home and had a “party” of legendary proportions. There was an estimated $20,000 damage, items stolen, and much alcohol consumed.

The culprits, of course, documented their own criminal activity and published it to social media. So trendy.

The victim, in an effort to hold the criminals accountable, started a website helpmesave300.com where he reposted the social media outbursts, identified those responsible, and offered to drop pressing charges in exchange to any who came forward, took responsibility for their actions, and helped with restoration of the home.

Only four of the kids stepped up.

Meanwhile, parents of the rest, angered by the victim’s actions, have threatened to sue him for outing their kids. (As if their own self-publishing didn’t do that already.) This is the topsy turvy world in which we live. These are the sort of parents who raise the type of kids who punch (and kill) volunteer soccer referees and get Easter Egg hunts canceled.

In the feel good story of the year, six of the miscreants who refused the man’s gracious offer of clemency have been arrested and more arrests are apparently on the way. Yes!

NYDailyNews.com – 6 arrested in vandalism of former NFL player’s upstate New York home, with more busts to come, cops say

Whew. Okay. I think that’s all I have to say for now.

Sand in the wound

Apparently there was some sort of sporting contest recently involving hockey. Whatever. That would be of little interest to me except that some “fans” in the losing city decided to respond by taking to the streets and engaging in acts of vandalism and destruction.

These are no longer your garden variety idiots. They have promoted themselves to criminals. Let the proclamations of innocence commence! If you ask everyone in the area, I’m sure you’d be amazed to hear that absolutely none of them would ever be caught doing anything like this. And, if you drag mom into it, she’ll be sure to say things like the boy “isn’t an anarchist or a career rioter.” Yeah, right, mom! How in the hell would you know???

The fun part, though, involves Facebook. Roger Ebert posted a screenshot of the Facebook page of “Brock Anton” who wrote a “status” update on his “wall”:

Maced in the face, hit with a Batton, tear gassed twice, 6 broken fingers, blood everywhere, punched a fucken pig in head with riot gear on knocked him to the ground, through the jersey on a burning cop car flipped some cars, burnt some smart cars, burnt some cop cars, I’m on the news…. One word ….. History 🙂 🙂 :))

In less than a minute, a responder added a comment, saying, “brockkkk! take this down!!! its evidence!”

Curious, I googled the dude’s name and found a group on Facebook entitled, “Brock Anton Sucks Dick.” That group contains two images apparently showing “Brock Anton” in his signature sunglasses near an upside-down car while the riot was in progress.

Below one of the pictures, a Facebook commenter named “Shannon King” had this to say:

what a loser! the ONLY time this moron gets laid again will be in a cell by a sexy man named Bubba and he’ll sprinkle sand on it before ramming it in loser’s ass…enjoy the deep penetration

So far Shanon’s comment has been “liked” by 19 people. I tried to visit her profile and send her my deepest appreciation but I’m not her “friend,” so apparently that is not allowed.

Thank god for sports! This all helps restore my faith in humanity.

More reading:
Outed on Facebook, alleged rioter claims innocence

Updates about: Alert status and Facebook Safety

In my last post I had elevated Abyss Negativity Alert Status to “Game Over.” That is no joke. We are currently operating at 103% of maximum negativity capacity here in the Abyss. I shit you not.

Maximum negativity status is always a special time. It is an exciting time. I can often be heard to exclaim during times like this, “Vive la festival!”

Back in July of this year, I had also posted about how to be careful on the internet and with your Facebook. I recommend you check it out if you haven’t already. The post is entitled I’m sick of worrying about the bad people.

Apparently there are still some people out there who haven’t read my blog. (I know!) These unwitting fools fell victims to crooks who used Facebook to identify when their homes would be vacant so they could be burgled. I call the awesome power of technology helping people. Just like the way the Terminator does, too.


It’s that simple. If you want to blow off your narcissistic energies and yell, “Hey, internets! Look at me,” do it the smart way. Write about it after you get back! People will be just as happy to be bored by after the fact as they would before. (Trust me on this.)

Today’s heartwarming tale of goodness is inspired by something along these lines.

Police recently caught some burglars in New Hampshire who used Facebook status updates to find out when people would be gone and then burgle their houses. I bet these victims will think twice the next time they get the urge to shout to the internet ahead of time about their upcoming trip. (At least I hope they will.)

My wife and I recently took a three-day weekend for our anniversary and you can bet your ass Facebook and the blog knew absolutely nothing about it. Period. Bar none. I waited until we were back home before I wrote it. I’ll bet you all can still remember where you were and what you were doing when I finally broke silence about it.

So these burglars reportedly hit a whopping 18 homes (or more) and were caught by police with stolen property estimated to be worth $100,000 to $200,000 in value. Wow.

Here’s the obligatory “stupid dumb criminals” part of the story:

According to local police, investigators tracked down the burglars by listening for the sound of a specific kind of fireworks stolen from a home. When they heard it, they apprehended the suspects and their loot. (Source.)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is the best belly laugh I’ve had all day! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Edgar Allen Poe would probably call this something like “the dumb robbing the dumb.”

The moral of this story: Listen to Tom you should. Hmm! About your safety Tom cares. Hmmm! Negative he may be but cares he does. Hmmph! For you he writes his blog. Read more you will. Yes? Hmmm!!!*

*Celebrity voice impersonated.

Let’s weed ’em out

Coming soon to a state ballot near you: marijuana AKA cannabis.

Seems like all I hear these days is pro-legalization news. Pot was criminalized on a lie. Pot isn’t all that bad. Look what you can do with hemp. Driving while stoned isn’t as bad as being drunk. Yada yada yada.


I often find myself on the wrong side of the popular vote. I guess that makes me a Lone Wolf. A renegade. A man outside the law. Meh.

How many laws are on the books that you don’t agree with? Well shit. What’s that got to do with it? Most laws in our country existed before I was even born. There was no “acceptance period” when I reached a certain age where I was ever asked which laws I agreed with and which ones I didn’t. That’s just tough noogies for me. I have to live with it. That’s life in a democracy like ours I guess.

When marijuana comes up for legalization in my neck of the woods – which is an inevitability – I will personally vote “hail no.” I find that shit utterly disgusting. I don’t like the way it smells, I don’t like the “culture” built around it, and I don’t understand the overwhelming desire to intoxicate oneself. For the record, however, I understand that some folks may have a legitimate need to ease pain and suffering in their lives. In that narrow definition I can support use. Of course, “medical marijuana” is one of the most abused concepts of all time. That makes it ever-so-tempting to shut the door on all use. The rest of this post has nothing to do with those who have a legitimate need.

I get it. Life sucks. Life is hard. Life is pain. But you can choose how you respond. You have choice. You have free will. You can decide to take on life and grapple with it. Or you can check out and go to La La Land and float on a cloud. In my ever so humble opinion the time spent on that cloud is time wasted. (Pun intended.)

I’ve been reading and hearing about the “whaaaaa!” situation in Humbolt County, California. The county is economically depressed. If it wasn’t for marijuana, proponents claim, the county would be even worse off economically than it is now. They say that marijuana is the county’s #1 cash crop. I saw a video of a self-styled Humbolt County “businessman” in a fucking suit extolling the virtues of the plant. Is it just me or did he take the easy way out by basing his livelihood on an illegal business, one that is highly profitable, and one that he now wants to legitimize and have a head start on corning the market? I could give a shit less about him. Me? I’m just a humble law-abiding citizen who’s salary is a pitiful fraction of his. Why the fuck should someone choosing to obey the law matter? Why should the criminal be rewarded?

According the Wikipedia’s cannabis page, marijuana is the #4 cash crop in the United States. Imagine the market that exists to support that? Wow. And in states like California, New York and Florida it is the #1 or #2 cash crop.

You know what that tells me? That too many damn people are spending too much damn money to intoxicate themselves and live on a cloud rather than deal with real life.

When you factor in what we spend on pot, alcohol, other illegal drugs, and abused pharmaceutical narcotics I can only imagine what a whopping number that must be. For completeness we should probably include cigarettes (perhaps the most addictive force known to humankind). Hell, throw in caffeine (Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Red Bull, etc.), too. It’s all drugs, right?

Stop and think about what we do as a society. The need to check out of reality is incredible. What if all the resources, time, money and energy spent on all that shit could be used for good? Can you imagine how different this world could be???