Tag Archives: creative

I Will Always Shove You

You may have noticed I'm mostly green. Well, Fuck You!

Those of us in the airlock/apologizing industry noticed an unusual blip on the radar this week shortly after the death of Whitney Houston. The epicenter was traced and determined to be sourced in Minato (Tokyo), Japan.

Ah, Sony! What have you done this time?

A lot of you may be under the impression that Sony makes overpriced electronics that break shortly after their warranty period. Yes, that’s true, but that’s only a small fraction of what they do.

MINATO, TOKYO, JAPAN — The motto, “Be Prepared,” is one famously associated with the Boy Scouts movement. It also encapsulates the thought that you should be ready to “do the right thing at the right moment.”

It’s a philosphy shared by Sony Music Entertainment (SME) company and their secretive elite unit known as the Death Immediate Response Team (DIRT). When a big name celebrity in the Sony music library dies, that’s when the deceased is designated a “featured artist” and the members of Team DIRT leap into action.

In order to be prepared, SME-DIRT has identified their artists who have achieved sufficient sales volume. They have then compiled detailed “death response plans” on those they artists they have identified as meeting their proprietary criteria selection scheme.

Whitney Houston was one of these artists. Her death on February 11, 2012, came as a surprise to most. But as the news spread like wildfire across the internet, plans were already afoot in Minato. Like most death response plans SME-DIRT has on file, there is a three-pronged approach:

  • Have an office party complete with cake (in the likeness of the artist) and ice cream and party hats. During this symbolic process they literally eat their artist.
  • Immediately jack wholesale prices on albums in the library.
  • Summon high-level Sony executives to a summit in New York City to discuss strategy to capitalize on the artist’s death.

Within hours of Whitney Houston’s death, a faceless operative on a nameless Tokyo street walked away from his noodles, pulling an Xperia ™ Ion LTE (Long Term Evolution) smartphone from his coat pocket, dialed a number from memory, waited three seconds, said, “Operation Bodyguard. Initiate. This is not a drill.” He then faded away as he side-stepped into street level sewer fog and disappeared into the noises of the murky city at night.
Continue reading →

Winners get the Creative Blog Award

Oh crap. ­čÖé

Ye olde humble blog has been recognized with another award. This time it’s the Creative Blog Award and was thoughtfully issued by Deirdra Coppel from Knightess.com.

Since it is now obvious that her judgment must be seriously impaired, as evidenced by the aforementioned award, I urge everyone to visit her wonderful site. It’s a “story book world” filled with dungeons, dragons, sword fighting, heroes, and a handsome prince.

For some reason, she doesn’t mention a princess, but we all know that’s the most important part of any real kingdom.

Perhaps it was my “story book” posting about my time spent In the Service of the King that caught her eye? Yes, that must be it. That post tells the tale of a strapping young lad on a quest to lay a feast on the King’s table. It’s a heartwarming story about how the world works. A perfect post for a story book land, methinks.

That post, incidentally, was also the first time I ever proudly introduced the coat of arms for the noble family line of the House of Gristle. And, according to Ancestry.com, my last name literally translates to “servant.” Isn’t that fitting?

Hmm. I’m not so sure. Was it my fable about the King’s table or my family coat of arms that won me this award? Either way, I offer a most humble and heartfelt thanks.

I urge everyone to check out Deirdra’s story book world. It seems very much like a fascinating place. I’ll even consider relocating there permanently, but only if there is someone suitable for me to serve. Perhaps there will be a slothful, gluttonous, and greedy merchant who peddles his wares on the internet just for me?

Long live the King! Without him the servant is nothing. (And thanks for the award!)