Breaking News: Weather affects cars
I remain committed to producing the best quality graphs based on made-up data to support my inane points regarding the issues I really care to rant about.
What does this mean to you? Not much. Hey, just like the local evening news! I think I’m onto something here.
Our top story tonight. Ominous fluffy clouds, pregnant with expectation (and moisture), have birthed innumerable litters of chubby drops that the WeatherTrac9000 computer calls “rain.” These drops are currently on a collision course with the place most of us live. The WeathTrac9000 calls that place the “ground.” We are currently projecting that these drops of mostly water will make the ground “wet.”
We start our exclusive News42 team coverage with Alex on remote location standing by a street. Alex?
…three seconds of awkward silence from Alex as he stares into the camera with a fake grin plastered on his face not realizing yet that he’s already on…
That’s right, Cassandra. Weather is coming to a street near you and it is pissed off. I’ll step aside to see if we can get a shot of this. You can clearly see drops of water hitting this street. And that is creating a dangerous situation that leaves some drivers out in the cold.
Earlier today this was the scene, with street surfaces wet. In one case, we found a car pulled over on the side of the road with its blinkers on. That driver was forced to sit and wait and hope that conditions would improve.
Even worse conditions may already be on the way. For that we go to Marko in the WeatherTrac9000 Weather Center. Marko?
That’s right, Alex. We are currently projecting alternating periods of light and dark at approx. 12 hour intervals until further notice. This means some rain may be less visible at certain times. Viewers are advised to remain on this channel for the latest updates as they become available.
For the intelligence-impaired here’s tonight’s Weather-Pick-Toe-Graph. This patented WeatherTrac9000 system helps those suffering from small brain syndrome to help prepare for the weather. Tonight’s picture: The Gorton’s Fishman in bright yellow slickers including full-frontal hoodie. We’re showing him holding a ship’s steering wheel but you don’t actually have to have one of your own.
For the rest of you I will now show lots of slides and animations and maps and use a lot meteorological words for eight full minutes of our 16-minute broadcast (not counting commercials).
I venture hither and yon
Today I venture forth from my flat for the first time since naked pictures of me were released on the internet. And, even though he’s embarrassed, I’m bring Mr. Tallywacker with me. Jolly good and all that! Tally ho!
That is to say, wow, isn’t my tally a ho?
Being royal isn’t easy. No, not that I’m blue-blooded, but I am royal in so many ways. Royally screwed. Royally flushed. Well, you get the idea.
Continue reading →
#Awarkward front page caginess at #WSJ
There was something a skosh awkward with the print edition of the Wall Street Journal today (Friday, August 31st). And I’m speaking as a reader of news, not as a forward observer in the partisan wars.
You just know the WSJ wanted to be in on Romney’s big night. It was finally time for the big acceptance speech. No doubt the WSJ wanted it so bad they could taste it.
There was just one wee problem. The event would occur after their print deadline. I’ve seen newspapers in local markets push back deadlines for things like important sporting events in the evening and such. Editorial closes late, which pushed back pre-production, press deadlines and cascades all the way to distribution. The trucks run late. In my experience it takes an edict from the CEO to push back reliability benchmarks on home delivery. It’s a rather big deal.
Apparently the wait time was too long or WSJ doesn’t have such an option. Under the headline “Romney Vows to ‘Restore’ U.S.’ came news “coverage” (air quotes) consisting of several predictions. I guess we could call it a case of “pre-reporting” (air quotes) the news. In that vein the WSJ became the equivalent of a bulletin board system or newsletter.
In Praise of Praise (reblog)
My live tweet coverage of the Oscars:
Personally I think they could have mentioned the number “84” a few more times. Lost opportunity here.
Just a few minutes in and I already wanted to kill myself because I scored perfect zeros on success, beauty and fame. The Oscars were underway!
He didn’t bring his A game. And I couldn’t hear him during his song. The music was way too loud and his mic was way too low. Perhaps they should have rehearsed before going live.
I wonder how much Nasonex paid for the shot.
I’ve heard a lot about The Help, mainly that the movie changed too much from the book, but I didn’t know anything about a poop pie. Count me in!
I have nothing negative to say about her. She’s incredible.
Ah. Bring on the nipple slip controversy. Some TV stations are doing the blur thing. Idiots. I raised my Slippery Nipple and toasted her dress (or lack thereof) and cursed the existence of “wardrobe tape.”
Real human emotion. Oh shit. It’s affecting me. Next!
Hugo! No, you go. Please. Why don’t you both go? In your Yugo.
Diet Coke aimed for cheese and succeeded brilliantly. As in, “I just threw up in my Diet Coke.” Ellen, however, was the bomb. Her commercial actually made me miss regular TV.
All night long, only when the Oscars were on (and not during commercials) there was something wrong with the audio. Some sort of weird background or feedback effect. My wife described it as honking. Whatever it was, I think they did the best thing possible by not making any attempts to fix it. It was probably a subliminal track instructing us all to think that Martin Scorsese is somehow cute.
After that I became very disinterested and didn’t tweet again.
Sally Field’s “You like me!” Academy Award Acceptance Speech for “Places in the Heart.”
Tonight is the 84th annual Academy Award (Oscar) show. I’ve only seen one of the main movies up for an award, so I don’t know how interested I’ll be in watching, but the Oscar show brought to mind Sally Field’s acceptance speech when she said, “You like me.” I watched the broadcast when Sally Field made this acceptance speech, and I did see the movie, “Places in the Heart,” which brings me to the point of this post, which is not about the movies but about being acknowledged. Most of us want to be liked or approved of in some way. Strangely, many people also seem to be very stingy with praise, even when it’s warranted. Millions of words have been written about how easily we toss around compliments so much that the praise is…
View original post 80 more words
Happy employees have dead spouses
Employers know that happy employees are more productive. They know that employees dealing with too many outside stressors or issues may experience a drop in productivity.
I can only assume that’s why my wife’s company (a health insurer) only covers employees – not their spouses.
If something deadly should come along and take out the spouse the employees get five days to grieve, after which they are expected to get that nose right back on that grindstone.
Even more rewarding is the benefits themselves. Of course I don’t know this information firsthand. It was related to me by my wife, who I shall refer henceforth as The Covered. She’s been experiencing intense pain in her shoulder for a long time. Her physician sent her to an orthopedist who in turn prescribed, among other things, weekly massage therapy.
The Covered went to her first visit with the message therapist where the primary event turned out to be The Covered bursting into tears and bawling like a baby in front of the doctor, patients and staff. It turned out that due to the nature of her insurance it was going to cost $150 a visit and we simply can’t afford $600 a month or more in our budget. The staff was very kind and did some extra things for her know that it was The Covered’s first and final visit.
Without those bothersome therapy sessions getting in the way I guess that frees up The Covered to focus all of her time and energy on being the best employee she can be! How will it all turn out? I don’t know. I’ll be dead by then.