I Do Jurassic
This month my wife and I will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. (She registered us at Home Depot if anyone is interested.)
Ten glorious years. How to properly signify such an event? I, for one, want to renew our wedding vows. Because, have you seen the Jurassic Park wedding photo craze going around?
It works like this:
First, get Jeff Goldblum to attend your function. Next, pick an expansive outdoor location that will make a good backdrop for your photographic for your marital hijinks. Prepare your guests so that when the photographer says, “Say cheese!” that’s their cue to act like idiots. Last, but not least, photoshop something into the background like a T-Rex or Olivia Wilde feeding her baby.
Viola! Say adios to traditional boring ceremony and hola to hilarious social virality.
For sprinkles on top I’m going to mix in some twerking, planking and, my personal favorite, on ongoing web-series where I recreate iconic photos from history like Marilyn Monroe getting her dress blown up. (These shots will be worth the wait. I promise.) We’ll also do lots of shots of people jumping in the air with brooms and looking like idiots from Harry Potter.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know if any record of our original vows exist. I remember the wife wrote some for her. I have these memories that I was supposed to do something similar. I totally remember her going on and on about it. And, I’m pretty sure I treated the event like a poetry slam and improvised some pretty impressive shit. True, we no longer have an exact record but I’m pretty sure it liberally featured things like “I love you” and “you are beautiful” and “I’m sorry.” Really good stuff.
The point here is that you have to make your wedding fun and memorable and viral for people other than yourselves. That reminds me: All wedding guests will have to grow beards and wear fedoras.
Or maybe we could forget all that, go green screen, and get J. J. Abrams to shake a camera and add lens flares?
This is going to be so cool! Truly the event of the season.
We’ll simulcast a live video feed of the event along with microblogs on Twitter. Sure my iPad will be in every shot but it’ll be worth it.
I almost feel like I’m forgetting something. Oh yeah! Who’s my wife again? Because, it’s all about the special love between two people. Yeah, right!
Keepin’ It Reality Yo
I wanna know what you’re thinking.
As a person that constitutes a form of life (or so I assume) there are two realities that I’m reasonably sure exist:
- My own (that I’m fairly familiar with)
- All that other shits
Note: If you get lumped in with the latter group please don’t take it personally. I don’t make the rules.
Even with the stark duality of this view, however, I imagine certain explorations into that other realm where y’all live are still possible.
For example, using inference, deduction and other external stimuli, I can attempt to discern what’s going on in that gray matter you recklessly call a brain. Clues might include things like your primitive vocalizations, ritualistic dance and other movements, and how you are adorned.
That plumage on your head in the form of a fedora speaks volumes. I interpret that as a rather pronounced attempt to establish position within your group. Am I right? Judging actual intent of other life forms can be tricky. It’s always murky guesswork. But I’m pretty sure I nailed it.
I mentioned to my wife the other day that I would deliberately do the opposite of what I really wanted if I perceived that it might be perceived by other people as an attempt to be cool. Think about it. That’s a very deep thought. I’d literally do the exact opposite of what I want, which, by definition, is that which I hate.
I’m committed. And now, a brief case study.
Continue reading →
Beat The Heat: Abyss Tips
Looks like I picked a bad time to move to a house without air conditioning. My delicate skin is taking a beating. So, without further ado, I give you my new series entitled Abyss Beat The Heat Tips.
With God as my witness I swear to you I will come up with a tip a day as long as this planet feels uncomfortable.
Your feedback is important so let me know if you find any of these tips helpful. That would be hot.
A Woman’s Story: An Open Letter from a ‘Fat Chick’ to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie And Fitch
I’ve never purchased anything from Abercrombie & Fitch in my entire life. Suddenly that fact pleases me greatly.
Amy Taylor
Director of Content and Community Strategy, Geben Communication
I remember the moment as though it were yesterday (which is saying a lot, because it was nearly two decades ago…) Last week of 8th grade. One of the “popular girls” walked over to me in gym class and asked if she could write in my yearbook. When she handed my book back, I excitedly turned the cover, only to discover that she had written (in beautiful penmanship) the following:
Have a great summer. Stay thin.
Except the word “thin” had been crossed out with a single line.
I have always struggled with my weight. Big-boned. Plus-size. Thick. Curvy. Voluptuous. Padded. Pick your adjective. Over the years I learned to deal with it in different ways. I learned to ignore it. Compensate for it. Deny it. Dress it up. Cover it over. Like everyone who struggles with something physical, I…
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A cool tip to improve your online writing
Here’s today’s thought-provoking tip for writing online. (This alleged “tip” is pretty much useless on typewriters and such.)
Tip: Never use the number eight followed by a right parentheses. Ever. Somewhere down the line some device or web site or widget will turn that character sequence into the “cool” smiley.
Case in point: http://broadsideblog.wordpress.com/2010/09/28/ten-ways-to-seriously-improve-your-writing/
Just look at that little bastard there, all smiling and shit, feeling oh so proud of himself! I found the unexpected presence of the cool smiling in a post about improving your writing just a little ironic. 🙂
If you must number things, use “ordered lists.” (If you are in HTML.) WordPress provides a little icon for that in their online editor. If not, then try using periods. They seem less susceptible to involuntary smiley replacements.
🙂
This blog has jumped the shark
Nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? He's cool.
I’m too young to remember the day that Kennedy was shot. I have no memory of that day. For those that were old enough I’m told it was a day seared into their minds forever.
But I can still remember the day when Fonzie jumped the shark. It was September 20, 1977.
For some strange reason, though, I can’t even vaguely remember the plot that led to the Fonz donning his trademark leather jacket and jumping a shark on water skies. Was that a flotation belt around his waist? Decidedly uncool. And the shark was confined? Yawn.
You know what? That episode of Happy Days totally jumped the shark, yo.
That scene was so dumb that it eventually led to the phrase “jumping the shark” becoming an idiom in American English.
Idioms are off the hook, yo.
Wikipedia’s page for the phrase “jumping the shark” provides the following bit of illumination:
Jumping the shark is an idiom used to describe the moment of downturn for a previously successful enterprise. The phrase was originally used to denote the point in a television program’s history where the plot spins off into absurd story lines or unlikely characterizations. These changes were often the result of efforts to revive interest in a show whose viewership has begun to decline, usually through the employment of different actors, writers or producers.
I trust by now you see the relevance of this particular phrase to us denizens of the Abyss. Even though we don’t really have any sharks down here. All we’ve got are these bug-eyes albino newts due to the lack of sunlight.
Clearly I’ve lost my edge. It’s time to put this blog out of your misery. In this case it’s pretty clear where things went wrong. The first post. It’s been all downhill since then. Someone grab a fork.
Seriously, you’ve got to give it up for a blog that can jump the shark on the very first post, yo. I mean, it’s not a good sign when your entire existence is behind the “jumping the shark” curve, eh?
Oh wait. I just noticed the words “previously successful enterprise” in the definition. Dammit, jump the shark status denied! My bad.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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