The Tom B. Taker Cook Book
The Pioneer Woman Blog and Shouts From The Abyss are the same. Both are blogs. She posts pictures. I post pictures. She posts stories. I post stories. She posts recipes. I post recipes.
See? Exactly the same.
“But hey, Tom! She has readers.”
Well played, voice in my head. Well played. I can’t wait to get my hands on you. You are gonna die.
I’ve posted recipes in the past. I won’t bother linking them, though. I don’t remember what they were and besides, copy and paste is too much damn work. And I’m tired from writing an entire cook book.
Sometimes my wife cooks. Sometimes I cook. And that gave me an idea. I should lock my knowledge away in a tome.
Viola! Knowledge is served.
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Baked Valaska
Head Chef
Today we feature a traditional dessert from the Abyss Recipe Cookbook that you’re bound to enjoy time and time again unless you try it on yourself.
The valaska is a long thin light axe used in past centuries by shepherds in the Carpathian Mountains, especially in Slovakia, Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine and Hungary. The features of a valaska combine a tool with a walking stick, that could be used as a light weapon. It has symbolic historical and cultural connotations and is still used as a prop in many traditional dances, for example the odzemok.
Note: For this recipe a valaska with an ovenproof handle is a must.
You can find valaska in any quality Czech hardware/weapons store. If not available in your area, a hatchet may be used instead. The results will be similar.
Akutaq (aka Eskimo Ice Cream) is traditionally made with animal fat but you can make your own using Crisco as a modern substitute. Reindeer tallow, if you can get it, is highly recommended.
Baked Valaska
Ingredients:
- 1 valaska (see note), traditionally a little over 1 metre in length
- 4.2 pounds of akutaq (may be substituted with gelato, frozen yogurt, or ice cream)
Directions:
Serving suggestion.
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. This temperature is necessary for a cooking process known as searing.
Place the valaska in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes or until an angry crimson glow can been seen. If the valaska won’t fit, it is permissible to place the valaska with the head-piece inside and the handle sticking out. Adjust cooking time as necessary.
While baking, prep the akutaq by placing it in a large metal bowl.
When the valaska is ready, carefully remove from oven (it will be hot). Dip the head-piece into the bowl of akutaq ensuring a full equal coating. The combination of heat and cold will sear the akutaq creating a fond.
Garnish with fresh slices of human head.
Variations:
- Add eight (8) pieces of crisped bacon, crumbled, during akutaq prep
- Aim for the kneecaps
- Vegetarians: Replace akutaq with a pine nut pesto
Bon appétit!
From Grandma’s Kitchen: “Baked Valaska doesn’t kill people. People do! En garde!“
Shouts from the Abyss 
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