Tag Archives: context

Hey, Gorgeous. You’re Beautiful!


Somebody asked to see me? That really makes my mustard a go-go.

Ah, the online world of the internets. A place of unspeakable and (almost) unimaginable evil.

It’s a land where 14-year-old children use the latest and greatest state-of-the-art technology to play mind games in the hopes their contemporaries will – quite literally – kill themselves. It quickly goes downhill from there.

Need a place to post your latest rape video? Check. The internet has got your back.

I’m deliberately leaving out the really nasty stuff. In short, technology lead to a life of ease with record leisure time which we promptly filled up with shitty behavior towards each other. Welcome to the Shit Age, the unpredicted successor to the Information Age.

On the bright side, though, there can be positive, fun moments, too. Like when you create your online persona, upload a real picture of yourself, then some stranger says, “Holy fuck, you are one hot bitch!” and emails you a picture of his penis. (Or so I’ve heard. I’ve never personally experienced that form of an internet “compliment.”)

Ah, internet. I see what you did there. You even ruined the so-called nice stuff. Well played.

In a place like this, a compliment on your avatar might seem like a refreshing change of pace. It might feel like a beacon of light in a sewer-sludge trash compactor of darkness and evil.

But is it really?
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Hyppo and Critter: Contextual Meanings

Hyppo and Critter

Let them eat Spam!

Jeffrey? Is that you? Noooo! Well, at least you're tasty! So long, pal! Credit: Wikipedia.

The other day I did something I don’t often do. I logged into my Gmail and checked the spam folder.

The fact is, I trust Google quite a bit to filter spam out of my email properly. There is occasionally a “false positive” that I have to manually retrieve (usually after someone whines a lot) but generally it does a very good job.

It’s nice not to worry about getting junk in my Inbox. I  usually just leave it on autopilot and never think about it.

The other day, though, on a whim, I was curious. I clicked into the folder and got this bit of good news:

Hooray, no spam here!
–Google Gmail

That’s nice to hear.

But then…

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a little plain bit of text above the toolbar on my screen:

Spam Veggie Pita Pockets – Serves 8!
–From the spam folder in Gmail

“Ahhhhh,” I said. “This must be the much vaunted context-sensitive advertising that Google brags about. Sure, that makes sense. This is a spam folder. So why not advertise Spam brandname ‘canned precooked meat product made by the Hormel Foods Corporation?”

I have to admit, that does sound good. The thought of Spam can sure make your mouth water. It must be Pavlovian.

I’m a practicing flexitarian, so I certainly could say, “Bring it on!” Unfortunately for Google, I can’t quite flex as far as Spam.

See, this is what concerns me about computers taking over the whole world. Even Google can’t tell the difference between unwanted email and unwanted precooked meat product. Sure, in your spam folder that’s no big deal. But what if it is your new “smart” car that automatically brakes your vehicle without you asking it to? The computer making the wrong could literally result in spam in a can – homo sapiens variety. That sounds good! Hell, why wouldn’t you want to trust your life to a computer? I can’t think of a single damn reason.

I refreshed my Google spam folder a few times and it was always the same thing. Spam. Spam. Spam. Spam.

In fact, I saved them up so I could share them with you:

  • Spam Hashbrown Bake – Serves 8
  • Spam Breakfast Burritos – Bake 5-10 minutes, serve with salsa
  • Vineyard Spam Salad – Combine grapes, spam, peapods and onions in large bowl
  • Spicy Spam Kabobs – Serve with hot cooked rice
  • Spam Fajitas – Serves 8, add extra salsa if desired
  • Spam Primavera – Toss with linguini, serve immediately
  • Spam Confetti Pasta – Preparation time 30 minutes
  • Spam Vegetable Strudel – Bake 20 minutes or until golden, serve with soy sauce
  • Spam Imperial Tortilla Sandwiches – To serve, cut each roll in half
  • French Fry Spam Casserole – Bake 30-40 minutes
  • Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole – Makes 8 servings
  • Spam Veggie Pita Pockets – Serves 8
  • Ginger Spam Salad – Serves 1, refrigerate overnight
  • Spam Quiche – Makes 4 servings
  • Spam Swiss Pie – Bake 45-55 minutes or until eggs are set
  • Savory Spam Crescents – Bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown

One thing’s for sure. When I’m checking my email for spam, Google sure knows exactly what I want. Spam and lots of it!

Let’s eat!