Tag Archives: contest

Poetry Slum Contest: Win a Green Day CD!

Shenanigans. This is what you covet.

Shenanigans. This is what you covet.

Diane, I’m holding in my hand a small box of chocolate bunnies used Green Day Shenanigans CD (circa 2002). This is Green Day before the era of American Idiot and 21st Century Breakdown. Early post-modern Green Day. Cubism. This is Green Day in the raw.

And I’m giving it away. For free. It’s contest time in the Abyss once again, although this one is a bit more real than most.

Introducing our first ever Poetry Slam Slum Contest!

So there I was at the trendy #PDX music store and I saw a Green Day CD. Was it already in my collection? Dammit. I couldn’t remember! Thinking I had possibly scored gold, I bought the thing and brought it home.


My self-induced misfortune is your gain. You could win this thing!


Use the comment section below. Slum some of your original work into the space I’ve thoughtfully provided. It must be “poetry” of some sort. It can rhyme. It can be freeform. It can be a haiku. It can be a sonnet, a bonnet or a ballad. Hell, I’ll even accept limericks if that’s all you got. Wimp.

Anything poetic goes. If you have a poetic license this is the time to take it out for a spin. Shenanigans are on the line!

You must be 18 or older to play. No purchase necessary. I am the Poetry Slum commissioner and my decisions are final. Winner will be determined by any means necessary up to and including Ouija Board. Open to persons in the United States only. Winner must provide a valid shipping address or no CD. The prize is a real physical object that takes up space in the universe and I want it gone. I reserve the right to make up more rules as I see fit.

Entries must be timestamped on this blog before September 1, 2014.

Wax on!

Gunfight Poetry Contest! Win up to $50,000 in cash and prizes!


Like I always say, “Why not both?”

Welcome to the first ever Shouts From The Abyss “Gunfight Poetry Contest.” We are giving away up to $50,000 in cash and prizes! (See official rules.)

Feeling lyrical? Have a flair for communicating big ideas using very few words? You might just win it all! (But probably not.)

We’ve all heard the classic phrase “You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.” The Sick Puppies even turned that bit of frothy pith into a song. That’s the inspiration for this contest.

Jot down a few clever lines and you could walk away with up to $50,000 in cash and prizes. That’s a lot of scratch.

Here’s how it works:
Continue reading →

Christmas Cat: Caption Contest

To add a bit of balance to the bile I spewed a few minutes ago in the previous post, let’s do something fun!

Your challenge? Come up with a caption for this photograph of El Guapo Picard Tutankhamun Taker that I originally posted a few years ago. What’s he saying here???

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful

Bonus: Rare footage of El Guapo warming up before the fire.

Whole Lotta Lotto Goin’ On

lotto-deathIt’s a banner year for Unfair Taxation of the Stupid (UFS or LOTTO for short).

I don’t have the economic data to back up the “banner” claim but who cares. I feel it in my gut. We just had a big jackpot which means were were subjected to all of the usual big-lotto-prize bullshit:

  • Local news covering the “story” that people are buying more than the usual amount of lotto tickets.
  • Chit chat from the UPS driver about $2 tickets and that no one from our state ever wins. (He was right.)
  • Lots and lots of news articles on the internet about how winning can be bad. (Fuck you.)
  • Blog posts up the ying-yang about how the ill-gotten booty would be spent.
  • Nigeria and Facebook users teaming up to rock the scams like there’s no tomorrow.
  • Excitement about who won and – do tell! – what are their plans?

I also see a lot of stories about all of the “good” that comes from government-sponsored gambling in the form of lotteries. “$X amount went to upgrade caskets for drowned puppies.” Well, la-dee-da! When I read that all I can see is: “Citizens in the great state of Iowa wasted $10x dollars by throwing their money in the nearest toilet.” That’s $10x not spend at local stores. That’s $10x not saved for retirement. That’s $10x not spent on their past due bills. That’s $10x not given to charity. That’s probably $10x money gone forever that most of the people who spent could ill afford to lose.

Wow. That is good.

They were talking about the lotto in the office. The boss made the mistake of asking me what I’d do if I won. “You’d never see me again,” I quipped. Sometimes I’m so damn proud of myself. Of course, I then immediately played it off like I was joking. It’s only a joke. Yeah. Right.

I thought about it for a moment and I said this. “I just read a story that says winning the lotto doesn’t necessary make people happier. I call bullshiats.”

This is what I’d do…
Continue reading →

Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest

The spawner of Honey Boo Boo.

Finally, this is your chance to win.

An opportunity like this comes along only every so often. Gobble it up while you still can.

It’s the Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest.

The idea is simple. Pick one of the following phrases, record your impersonation, and share it with us. Our select Panel of Judging will pick a lucky winner who will be showered with indeterminate prizes that may or may not exist.

I know it sounds too good to be true. But wait, there’s more. Oh my God, there’s always more. Hey, cameraman! Get a shot of that, will ya?
Continue reading →

Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge

This season’s Immunity Idol. Worth playing for?

In our last contest the grand prize winner was offered (and declined) an action figure of Dr. Julius M. Hibbert from The Simpsons.

This time we’re upping the stakes a bit. The winner of Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge will receive One Million Dollars*.

In this exclusive contest 20 ordinary Americans will be selected by me, your Probst of Ceremonies, to participate in a unique online experiment.

Continue reading →

The One Word Writing Challenge – Presidential Edition

It’s time for a writing challenge.

Wow. I can’t believe I’m even going to joke about that. Some crazy person might decide to get back on the net and issue some damn drabble or thirty-word story challenge and then where would I be?

Ah, what the hell. I’m willing to risk it.

I’ve had an email discussion with a friend from across the aisle for weeks about Obama and Romney. Specifically the discussion revolved around one-word descriptions for each of the presidential wannabes. Just a single word. If you sincerely try, finding one and only one word to encapsulate most anything is pretty damn hard to do.

Then along comes with with the “#DefineObamaInOneWord” hashtag thingy. Once again Twitter is aping my awesome creativity and stealing my idea. Sorry, Twitter. This was my idea from weeks ago and I’ve got the emails to prove it.

The one-word writing contest:

Define Obama, Romney or both, using only one-word each. Reply to this post with your entries.

By the way, if you enter multiple times, you weaken the “one-word-ness” of your entry. Think about it.

True pith is hard. If it was easy everyone would do it. So this is your big chance to pith on my blog. You’re not going to pass that up, are you?