Tag Archives: contentment

Money Can’t Miserly Love

A wealthy man was generously offering his counsel to a poor man. He said, “The truth of the matter is this: Money can’t buy you love.”

The dispensing of wisdom was briefly interrupted by the arrival of a UPS delivery driver. “Ah. If you’ll excuse me, I see my daily delivery of useless plastic consumeristic widgets made in China has arrived. A box! A box! Oh goodie, a box!”

Spittle flew from jiggly jowls as the man lurched for his box cutter and sliced open the cardboard like a battlefield surgeon. There wasn’t even time for triage. In moments he held the widgets up before his eyes, which briefly glazed over as various pleasure centers in his brain were involuntarily activated, then in a few mere seconds he carelessly tossed the items aside. He was already bored with them.

“Now then, where were we? Ah yes, true happiness must come from within.”

Indeed.

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Choices

gerbil-clipart-1What do you want out of life???

I don’t know if I’ll try to answer that question. But I do know this: Watch both Zeitgeist movies, a few choice TED videos, and finish it off with the Story of Stuff and you might just say, “Brother, it sure as hell ain’t this!” And then depression sets in…

In my study of gerbils I have pondered mysteries both great and deep.

For Abyss newbies:

“Gerbil” is the term I have coined for younglings that fail to empty nest on schedule. And then, later, when they belatedly emerge from the nest sans high school diploma and any discernable life plan, they do things like go on food stamps, obtain medical marijuana cards (sore back), drink lots of alcohol, sleep until 5pm, stay up until 5am, take pictures of themselves smoking and post them on Facebook, and avoid jobs, school and self-improvement at all costs.

That’s the modern genus of gerbil that I am familiar with.

A Rush song famously said, “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Indeed. The modern gerbil lifestyle is a choice!

I took a gerbil aside one day and offered words that I thought, in my hubris, might somehow be wise.

Trust me on this. It ain’t easy coming back from a gerbil bite.

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You Make Me Hate Myself

84.This post is part of our advanced negativity studies curriculum. If you are not pursuing your Ph.D (Philosophy of Hateful Dystopia) in The RUNS (Risible Ultion Negativity Studies) this post may still be taken as an elective.

Perhaps it was 15 years ago, maybe more. This was back when I was still somebody and working at a real job. This was before the Decade of Despair (TM), mind you. I was doing my thing and listening to some music by Type O Negative, a band so good they even have the word “negative” in their name.

At the right moment during one of their songs Peter Steele screams out an enthusiastic, “You make me hate myself.”

My mates at work burst out laughing the first time they heard this lyrical eloquence. But if you think about it, it really is deep.
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