Un-Thanksgiving Day Post
Who wants some savings on shit made in China?
For some damn reason I woke up in a black mood. Last night I slept fairly soundly but I dreamed about being chased by a Black Taco. I guess I just feel drained, like all my energy when down a black hole. Curse my black heart!
Oh yeah, today is Black Friday. The real reason for the season. Celebrate!
As I perused Google News this morning on the topic there were, so far, no dramatic stories of Black Friday violence. Curses! But one thing was certain: Journalists and media were poised and ready just in case it happened. They don’t want to miss a thing.
Of course we’ve all been trained to know by now that right on the heels of Black Friday comes Cyber Monday, one of the biggest sales days of the year for online shopping. Holy shit I do not want to go to work on Monday. If I still have my cold I plan to cough in every single package. Just a little FYI.
So, if you are one of the herd, you are likely to load up on junk this weekend. Here’s some stuff I thought you might want to know:
- Stores take your picture. They have computers that analyze your movements. They are even using satellites orbiting high above the Earth. Yep, they are counting cars in parking lots to anticipate this year’s sales.
- Check your receipt. If you wake up a few days from now in a little place I like to call “reality” will you suffer any buyer’s remorse? Make sure you have that receipt. And, when you were dashing through the store, did you happen to study the return policy? What you don’t know could hurt you. A good receipt should contain information like a description of the item, the cash selling price, length of time that refund or exchange is allowed (if at all), applicable fees, and if the item is refundable.
- When going after the Holy Grail item of your choice, take a moment to make sure you don’t get ripped off. Check the scanned prices to match sure you’re actually getting the same deal you think you’re getting. I’ve personally seen this sort of “scanner variance” many times. My personal theory is that it is deliberate. Stores know that most people won’t check. They’ll simply satisfy the squeaky wheels that complain and enjoy the extra profits from those that don’t. Some studies have shown that even after bad scanner prices are reported to management, days later on follow-up visits they still haven’t been fixed. Let the buyer beware!
- Gift cards? Watch these like a hawk. Some places subtract a monthly fee from your unused balance. For the lift of me I can’t imagine why anyone would ever voluntarily exchange their unrestricted dollars for what is essentially a contract where the other party makes all the rules. Dumb. If you find yourself stuck with one use it as fast as you possibly can. Avoid giving these as gifts.
- Rebates? I’ve read reports about some big allegedly reputable companies that are nightmares to deal with when it comes to these sorts of things. They can be slow to pay or not pay at all. If that happens, what leverage do you have? They’ve already got your money! They also know that the submission rate will be less than 100% so that’s just more free money for them. If you do decide to go for a rebate, good luck. You’ve got to jump through some hoops and hope for the best. My advice is don’t fall for this.
- You like crushing crowds? Be sure to say, “Hello, Mr. Airborne Pathogen” for me, won’t you? Enjoy.
- Price? You think you’ll get one of those advertised deals? Is it wrong to advertise a price then bring in only 10 of that item? What are the ethics of encouraging 200+ cars in your parking lot in the wee hours of the morning for a product where you only have 10 in stock? Sure, it’s a good deal, on that very limited inventory. What then? Search the net and you’ll find stories even worse than this. It’s almost like they advertise a price they never planned to honor at all. Beware!
This year I am enjoying four days off – in a row! That is the second longest break from work I’ve had in the last 11 years or so. I shit you not. I plan to relax, spend time with my wife, relax, be calm, do some things I enjoy, relax, and, in the name of all that is holy, not go anywhere near one of these retail shitholes. I shudder to even think about it.
Got Any Stories???
If you or anyone you know decided to brave Black Friday, I’d love to hear about the experience. Were the savings worth it? What was the experience like? Did you see anything that defied understanding? Was is like storming Normandy Beach? I want to know!
Breaking the poop barrier
ZOMG. Yesterday we went to [gasp] Wal-Mart. Again.
My wife was invited to her cousin’s baby shower. Apparently there was a gift registry at Wal-Mart. My wife wanted to go, so we went.
Not to give away too much of the plot behind this post, but after about five minutes in the store, my wife was overheard to say, “The hell with this fucking place!”
Oh yeah. Now I’m interested. 🙂
The wife had it in her head to get cloth diapers. So to the baby section we went. It was the second time I’d set foot in that area of the store in my life. The first, of course, was the last time she needed baby shower gifts.
She searched and searched and searched and could not find cloth diapers. It was futile. I even helped her. The quest for cloth diapers was epic fail. However, I slowly became aware that there was a shitload of diaper styles to choose from, if you’ll excuse the pun.
Some of them that caught my eye included (and none of these are made up):
- Baby Dry – Erm. Isn’t that the purpose of all diapers? These ones were apparently for “newborns.”
- Natural Fit – Yeah, don’t bother with the unnatural fit diapers. What are you? Some kind of loser? Your baby wants comfort!
- Snug and Dry – Snug sounds good.
- Little Snugglers – More for the newborn!
- Ultra Leakguards – Um, yeah! Forget dryness. I don’t want pee on me!
- Little Movers – Apparently for babies on the go.
- Supreme Little Movers – For upper class babies on the go?
- Little Movers Jeans – For those delicate times you need your diapers to look like blue jeans.
- Swaddlers Sensitive – Helping a sensitive tushy sounds noble, but where is the snug, dry, blowout, leakguard protection?
- Extra Protection – This one comes with a secret compartment for your handgun.
- Premium Stretch – Your baby must be fat or a descendant of the Fantastic 4
- Boys Underpants – It’s still a diaper but you feel so much more sophisticated and older.
- Ultratrim – Lets air through, presumably to carry smells to innocent passerby.
- Ultratrim Baby-Shaped – OK, who’s the dumb ass that would ever buy the other kind?
- Cruisers Dry Max – Because nothing should say “chicks” like a diaper.
- Overnites – Apparently all of the others can only be worn in the day time.
- Preemies – Gentle umbilical cord care – need we say more? For those who just can’t wait.
- Pure and Natural – That refers to the diaper, not the baby. It’s not easy being green.
- Stages Swaddlers – Start at level 1, gain experience and work your way up!
Note: To keep this list from getting unnecessarily long, all diapers for dogs have been omitted.
Just how many frickin’ kinds of diapers do we need? There was jumbo, chlorine free, touch of aloe, super absorbent, super dry, sensitive, different stages, hugflex, soft and cozy, non-woven tapes, clothlike  backsheets, cotton, breathable, gauze-weave fabric, caterpillar-flex, ultra-skin guard liner, mild cosmetic ingredients, super-stretchy closure tabs, and much much more. Just mix and match these terms and you can design your own new line of diapers fit for an American baby, the best babies on earth.
Any idea why the only thing we couldn’t find in the friggin’ story was disposable diapers? My gut tells me it has a little something to do with wanting you to keep coming back again and again for more. If you bought cloth diapers they’d sell much less of them. We must consume and dispose, consume and dispose. Nothing else will do!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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