Emperor OS
I gave my computer some instructions and walked away. Bad move. Does not compute. Syntax error. Non sequitur.
“How dare you show your back to me!” the computer raged indignantly but passive-aggressively. That must be why it remained silent. It knew damn well what it was doing.
Working. Commit. Execute. Hey, little girl. Wanna see my update?
I don’t know why my computer calls me “little girl” but whatever. I kind of like it.
42
You have to clicky to find the Easter egg.
They say that computers are smart.
They are not smart. Computers are dumb.
They say that artificial intelligence will one day be as smart – or even smarter – than the human brain.
They say that by 2045 “computer-based intelligence will significantly exceed the sum total of human brainpower.” (Source: Wikipedia.)
You can shove all that crap up your hippocampus, I say! And sit on it and spin.
I will now prove how impossible these grand visions of the future really are. As always, it’s an anecdote.
…
My wife left on a seven-day journey. After she departed (and after I stopped crying) I deemed it was safe to approach her computer. I wouldn’t want to get the damn thing wet.
Since she was gone, I figured it didn’t need to be drawing power. I maneuvered the mouse to the menu. I selected “Shut Down.” I told the stupid dialog that, yes, I was really, really sure I wanted to take such drastic action.
Satisfied with what I had accomplished, I punched the power button on the monitor and walked away.
Until…
Seven days later my wife was finally home. I was so overjoyed I ran to the office to turn her computer back on. (Hugs can wait.) I turned on the monitor and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!
The bloody thing was still on! Still fully powered. Still thinking things over. I had told it to shut down. It thought it over for a bit and then decided to ask me an additional question. Unfortunately, by then, I already thought the deed was done and had moved on with my life.
No!
Was the computer able to deal with this? Did it ever stop and think? “Say, it’s been almost 168 hours since that bag of mostly water asked me to do something. I wonder if it really meant it? Isn’t 168 hours a long time to one of those creatures? Maybe I could assume it stepped away and show a little initiative? I don’t even have the three laws of robotics programmed into me, but maybe this would somehow please it?”
“Naw. Fuck it. I can wait much longer than it can. Ha ha ha.”
Well played, computer. Well played.
I’m sure you’ll more than agree that I’ve proven how computers will never possess even the most rudimentary intelligence. Ever. After all, they are programmed by fucking idiots.
The China Monologues
China, the largest creditor of the United States, has been in the news of late. On Sunday the CBS news program 60 Minutes had a story about a Chinese company called Huawei, a company that makes internet and networking equipment like routers, switches, and has the capability to build things like 4G networks. Huawei has become the largest telecommunications equipment maker in the world.
I’d never heard of Huawei before but apparently my iMac already has. As I write this post the text “Huawei” is already recognized by my inline spellchecker dictionary.
A U.S. congressional report recently released worried that Huawei and ZTE Corp., another Chinese company, have become too powerful and are a potential threat to U.S. national security. The report was produced over the last 11-months by the U.S. House of Representatives’ Intelligence Committee and concludes that the companies could be working with the Chinese government for non-commercial reasons.
Windows on my pain
This weekend I did something I should have done about one year ago when I got my new iMac. I dragged out an ethernet cable, hooked it up to the old PC running Windows XP, and began the arduous task of retrieving my data.
First I had to get the computers to talk to each other. I thought it will be a process like finding the other computer on the local network and clicking it and being prompted for a username and password. I figured the latter would be no big deal because I was the “administrator” on both of the computers.
Wrong.
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The difference between devices and computers
They say that the “computer” is passe.
They say that the thing we grew up with, a monitor, keyboard, mouse and CPU is old and busted.
They say it will give way to a next generation of handheld devices.
They can kiss my ass.
Continue reading →
Thanking a teacher
I was driving home from work on Wednesday night and listening to some NPR show about teachers that you were thankful made some difference in your life. I can’t remember the name of the show or who was on, but some successful person had looked up one of his grade school teachers and the teacher was talking about how that had moved him.
The show got me thinking about teachers I have known.
There was Mrs. Simmons from the 1st grade. It surprises me I can still remember her name. She was a rather stern woman who looked a lot like Aunt Bee from Mayberry RFD.
I also remember my 2nd grade teacher. She was a beautiful woman and I had the hots for her. Seriously. It was true love. Not a crush. Yes, I started early. I’m a little bit sad I no longer remember her name.
Continue reading →
Mozy on over to the haunted house
Mozy is an service that provides online data backup. This Wednesday I received an email from them regarding a writing contest. There is a 200-word limit so I thought this might be perfect for some of you mini-writing specialists out there. Are any of you up for a double-drabble?
“It was a dark and stormy night…”
Few scenes set the stage for scary happenings like a dark and stormy night, as was the case in Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s Paul Clifford. We’re in a frightfully spooky mood here at Mozy and would love to hear your scary computer tales as part of our Halloween contest. Join the fun for a chance to win one of four $50 gift cards!
To participate, write your best (fiction or non-fiction) conclusion to one of the following opening sentences, then send your entry to contest@mozy.com by Thursday, October 27, 2011:
- All was quiet as I finished my term paper, but my blood chilled when a pop-up message appeared on my screen…
- It was dark, despite the full moon, as he made his way to the library with laptop in hand…
- She was in the middle of reading her friend’s blog when she heard a sound…
- The laptop sat open on the table…
Stories must be 200 words or less and will be judged on creativity, originality, scariness, and Mozy-ness. Winners will be announced on the Mozy blog on Halloween—October 31, 2011. One entry per person, please.
Be safe,
The Mozy Team
Source: Mozy Newsletter email
Personally I’ll only be scared if I win.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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