Turds of a Feather
Did you notice? Yesterday I didn’t try to pull any of that April Fool’s Day crap on you. I respected you as a person. That simple act of mature restraint elevated me above the likes of Google and the makers of Minecraft. For hate’s sake I claim the higher ground.
The higher ground is mine! Neener, neener, neener. In yo face!
And now I’ve lost it again. Excuse me a moment while I crawl back under the bottom of this barrel here. Ah, there’s no place like home.
Feather Flags: Empirical proof that capitalistic greed grabs take far more precedence than the visual appearance of a community.
–Tom B. Taker
Why not make an entire community look like the inner ring of a toilet when it can make a few assholes a few extra bucks, right?
I give you the humble feather flag (genus flapus fuckus).
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The place where I work is a paradox. As an internet-based business (we retail shit) the boss hates it when people walk into our little 20′ x 20′ den o’ fun. We are decidedly not a store. But the manufacturers of the products we sell don’t like to give their shit to minuscule internet-only outfits, like some pimply-faced nerd working out of his garage. To that end, the boss did a crappy photoshop of his business name on a fake picture of a retail location that he purloined, sent it to our suppliers and strives hard to convince them that we are ye olde brick and mortar.
I think what he really means is that we should be bricked and mortared. Right out of existence. Yeah, that’s it. And I couldn’t agree more.
Most retailers adhere to an ABC philosophy. “Always Be Closing.” It’s old school salesman shtick where your only purpose in life is to divorce a fish from his wallet in the shortest possible period of time.. My boss, though, likes to be different. He’s more about the ABL philosophy. “Always Be Lying.” It makes the game easier when you don’t follow things like rules and morals.
So, in a nutshell, the boss wants the entire world except our suppliers to KEEP OUT of our little nondescript strip mall headquarters. Our office has no signage of any kind. Even the post office and FedEx have a hard time finding us. The glass front door doesn’t contain a trace of our business name or even a sticker or any hint of what might be lurking inside. We’re as nondescript as you can get. We’d be perfect cover for the Area 51 administration office. (That would be a marked step up for me. I can dream, can’t I?)
Somehow, though, the public still finds us. They are more than happy to walk in like they own the place. A lot of them think we’re the business that used to be there 15 years ago. Some of them try to sell us tamales out of their car. A great many of them are salespeople, like the investment broker who stopped by this week. She asked if any of the employees needed help with their investments. Whew!!! What a riotous laugh we had over that one!!! Lady, you obviously have no clue how little we get paid!
I hate people walking into our office as much as the next guy. As is my nature, I tried to come up with creative solutions to this problem. In a veritable fit of creativity I head this idea: Put a sign on the door that reads, “Absolutely No Admittance.” The boss couldn’t poop on this idea fast enough. Remember: He is working hard to maintain the illusion that his place is a “store” even though it’s not. It would be bad news if a sales rep stopped by and caught him in the act.
Other sign ideas I had intended to keep out annoying life forms:
- Extreme Radiation Danger
- Bird Flu Quarantine Area
- 1.21 Gigawatt Microwave In Use
- Justin Bieber Music Zone
- Poisonous Snake Recreation Facility
Because this is a sick, cruel and twisted world, none of my ideas were accepted. Like all true geniuses I am not meant to be recognized in my own time.
And this is how, yesterday, I ended up minding my own business, sitting at my desk, when I was approached by a person off the street.
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Streets of a Certain Width
Note: I was going to entitle this On The Street Where You Shiv but apparently I already used that for a different post.
I’m not sure why, but the city gave the developer permission to make the streets narrow in the subdivision where I live. How narrow? If you are an expert driver and can balance your wheels on the curbs, you’re just able to navigate a normal sized car while hovering six inches above the ground.
Perhaps I exaggerate just a skosh. I claim the right due to umbrage.
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Hamburgler kicked me in my Fry Guy
When someone promises me a shot at being a “winner” naturally my ears perk up. I mean, after all, I’ve never tried that, so I’m understandably curious.
Call it the McCircle of McLife. What goes in one end eventually passes through. Like a hamburger milkshake squirted out of your Grimace.
Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it, so, in an attempt to be helpful, here I am to remind everyone of the not-so-distant past regarding the juicy marriage of McDonald’s and Monopoly.
In 2000, the US promotion was halted after fraud was uncovered. A subcontracting company called Simon Marketing (a then-subsidiary of Cyrk), which had been hired by McDonald’s to organize and promote the game, failed to recognize a flaw in its procedures, and the chief of security, Jerome P. Jacobson, was able to remove the “most expensive” game pieces, which he then passed to associates who would redeem them and share the proceeds. The associates “won” almost all of the top prizes between 1995 and 2000, including McDonald’s giveaways that did not have the Monopoly theme. The associates “netted” over $24 million. The scheme was uncovered when one of the participants informed the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Even though the fraud was perpetrated without McDonald’s knowledge, the McDonald’s Corporation voluntarily attempted to rectify the situation by issuing payouts to new (legitimate) winners, awarding five $1 million annuity prizes, and fifty $100,000 prizes over a five-day period.
While the fraud appeared to have been perpetrated by only one key employee of the promotion company, and not by the company’s management, eight people were originally arrested, leading to a total of 21 indicted individuals. The relationship between McDonald’s and Simon Marketing broke down in a pair of lawsuits over breach of contract, eventually settled out of court, with McDonald’s’ claim being thrown out and Simon receiving $16.6 million. Although McDonald’s was not involved in the fraud, it came under much criticism for what appeared to be lax oversight of the promotion company.
In 1995, St. Jude Children’s Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee received an anonymous letter postmarked Dallas, Texas, containing a $1 million winning game piece. Although game rules prohibited the transfer of prizes, McDonald’s waived the rule and is making the $50,000 annual payments. Investigations later indicated, and Jacobson himself admitted, that he had sent the winning piece to the hospital.
You’re welcome! You know what they say. “There’s a McDonald’s customer born every minute.”
A study done by R.P. Clayton and K.E. Belk in 1998 concluded that a single 4-ounce ground beef patty was made from, on average, at least 55 different animals to, at most, an average of 1082 animals.
Source: Really Fast Food?
Schlosser says a fast food hamburger sold in 1965 and one made today might look the same, but 38 years ago the meat from the burger likely came from one cow or steer. In today’s burger, you’ll find pieces of a thousand or more cattle from as many as five different countries ground up into one little hamburger patty.
Source: DePauw University
Now that’s what I call eating globally! That sounds a lot better than taking second prize in a beauty contest!
Before The Soup there was
Long before The Soup there was a little TV show called Talk Soup. That’s where the juggernaut we call the Soup franchise was born.
We all know Greg Kinnear hosted Talk Soup then went on to become a great big movie star. He hosted the show from 1991 through 1995.
Next came John Henson who hosted from 1995 through 1999. The Kinnear and Henson years represented the golden age of Talk Soup. Unlike Kinnear, however, Henson didn’t go on to be a famous movie star. His current gig is co-host of the “game show” known as Wipeout. (Yes, those are sarcastic air quotes.)
Some guy named Hal Sparks hosted Talk Soup from 1999 to 2000. I don’t know too much about him but I could – probably – pick him out of a police lineup if my life depended on it. Fortunately that’s not a scenario that happens too often. I think he might be one of those guy who adds “funny comments” to those VH1 shows.
Last but not least is the beautiful and multi-talented Aisha Tyler who hosted Talk Soup from 2001 through 2002. I most remember her as Ross’ girlfriend on the show Friends. (She started off as Joey’s girlfriend, though.)
Of course we all know that Talk Soup went on to become The Soup which premiered in July 2004 with host Joel McHale who went on to star in the epic paintball episode of Community. (He also appears in some other episodes in the series as well.)
And now, as Lokar likes to say, “Roll the crap.”