Tag Archives: closed

Phoney Services: The Movie

answering-serviceINT. SMALL ROOM – DAY


FADE IN to reveal two plain, white walls. The wall on the right contains a window with blinds, drawn up, revealing a fence, trees and a grass lawn. The sky is blue and the sun shines. The sound of a lawn mower can be heard in the distance. Birds chirp. In front of the other wall is a computer desk and chair. A computer, Apple, is turned on and displaying the INTERNET.

In the chair in front of the computer sits a man, HERO. A small cell phone is in his hand and held to his ear. His other hand is holding a piece of paper, previously folded, which has now been opened up.

HERO LOOKS AT piece of paper.
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Blindage Blinders Blindingly Bright

Mitt Romney is goodness and light. Mitt Romney creates jobs. Mitt Romney is pro-life. Thou shan’t speak ill of Mitt Romney.

I have to admit: I’m still amazed when I see someone swimming in a pool of their own shit, when they gesture at me and yell, “Come on in! The water is fine!”

I’m as negative and as jaded as they come and this still gets me each and every time. It literally takes my breath away. It literally makes my head asplode.

I guess it makes me feel alive to know I can still be surprised that way.

I met a person the other day and we talked about presidential politics briefly. One of my friends will be pleased to note that she said Obama is a “narcissist.”

“Interesting,” I replied. “What word would you use to describe Mitt Romney?”

“I don’t know that much about him. Isn’t he into Scientology or a Mormon or something?” (This is an exact quote. I am decidedly not comparing those two.)

All hail the era of the informed voter! 🙂

This post isn’t about any single issue or candidate. It’s about the principle of “bias.” Call it what you will. Rose-colored glasses. Wishful thinking. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever the hell it is, it is out there in abundance.

And, I might be biased, but I think my coverage of the topic will be the best ever!
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Sorry we’re closed

This just happened. OMFG!

Customers walk in the store 14 minutes before closing time. The greeter, who actually does his job this once, says hello and let’s them know, “Feel free to come on in. Just an FYI. We close in 14 minutes.”

This prompted several comments from the customers. “Does it matter how much we spend?”

Fuck. I just bit the shit out of my tongue. Luckily the abyss exists for me to vent.

No, lady, it doesn’t matter how much you spend. Perhaps you are not a regular reader of this blog. If you were, then you’d know that not a one of us employees has ever been compensated for staying late to help customers. We are left to fend for ourselves in that extremely awkward situation. Bottom line: The company won’t pay us if we clock out late. I’ve  been 20 minutes past quitting time before and the company’s position is, “Too bad, so sad!” Zilch shows up on ye olde paycheck.

Just last night two of us were here five minutes late with a customer. The boss himself was even here, a very rare and special treat. He gets impatient, though, so he stormed out, saying to us employees in his chipper way as he dashed, “Feel free to stay as late as you want!” Yeah, you don’t mind letting us work for free much, do ya, asshole?

Meanwhile, if we ever clock in up to ONE minute late our pay gets docked in 15-minute increments. Yes, we’re in a place similar to the Bermuda Triangle. I call it the Destroy Your Employees Triangle. Here the scales of justice have no meaning. Don’t like it? Feel free to speak up – and don’t let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out.

All time clock transactions are always rounded in the company’s favor. Period. Bar none. End of story.

Additionally, we don’t see a penny of sales. So you can see, it really doesn’t matter how much you spend here?

I’ve heard many customers walk out the door about what assholes our company is regarding the closing of the doors on time. I have to admit, I jizz in my pants every time I hear that!!! Tell your friends! 🙂

Gotta run. It’s closing time!


Well, I’m home now. Long story short, my car went GF (goat fuck) on me and wouldn’t start for three minutes. So I got to listen in as these customers walked out of our store a minute later. I was in for a real treat.

Woman [angrily]: Harumph! I can’t believe how rude they are!
Man: Yeah, you’d think they’d want the sale. All that over a lousy ten minutes.
Woman [wanting to go back inside]: What do you want to do?
Man: We’re going home!

Oh yes. My boss is a shrewd businessman. That ranks right up there with selling products cheaper than we paid for them and making all the employees hate him. One might assume that he’s trying to make a profit. One might, but one would be wrong. What’s he’s actually out to do is destroy his employees. He’s doing a damn fine job of it and pissing off customers at the same time. In our business we call that a “win-win.”

Most customers have two things in common. They’ve all been employees themselves and they’ve probably all worked in shitholes with signs like “the customer is always right” hanging on the wall. That message has been ingrained so deeply that they actually believe it. “I’m the one spending money now,” they think. “It’s good to be the king!” So they don’t take too kindly to being asked to leave or mind much about interrupting your lunch or hearing that you are on your break or that something is not your job or that any discount that invariably ask for (because they are oh-so-special) will be coming directly out of the employee’s pocket. I’m not making that up. Our pay gets docked if we make a deal or if we even make an honest error that costs the company money.

Too bad that’s the way this place chooses to operate. Well, too bad for customers, anyway. I still get the laughs. Sadly that is the only bonus I’ll ever see. 🙂

Happy holidays! We’re closed! Now eat us!

Sorry we're closedWell whoopie. Another bonus tier-2 blog post.

I had to run to the bank yesterday to handle a wee emergency. It seems my checking account only had 42 cents in it. Oops. But that’s another story.

Luckily the bank has this fancy new ATM machine so I was able to grab some cash from a different bank’s ATM then deposit the cash to my bank’s ATM. I have to admit that worked pretty neat. Even though the damn thing was made by Diebold. But that’s another story.

While working the ATM a nice lady came up and asked, “Do you know if the bank is open today?”

I told her, “Well, I didn’t get any mail today. It’s Columbus Day. I’m sure the banks are closed, too. I hope this here ATM can give you what you need.”

She laughed. “I seriously doubt that.”

Three things struck me about the conversion. First, keep your trap shut when I’m working the ATM machine. This is private space. Second, it seems lots of people are taken surprise by some of the lesser holidays. Third, Columbus Day? Really? What a shitty reason for a holiday. I guess if I got the day off, too, I wouldn’t mind it half as much.

I got back in my car and was about to split the scene when I saw an obliviot wandering through the parking lot, a place where you can typically find cars and things, intently reading some paperwork while walking towards the main doors of the bank.

I have places I need to be, but this was too good. I decided to spend the time to watch. Yep, sure enough, Mr. Einstein makes his way to the front door, notices the front door, ignores the big sign announcing Columbus Day that had been taped there, and tries to open the door. “NGGH!” I imagine he grunts as he pulls on the handle in vain. I’ll be damned. It didn’t open. The look of utter surprise on his face was priceless. Then, just for good measure, he went ahead and tried the door a few more times, I guess just in case this was only a test holiday or something.

It’s bullshit that some lazy assholes got a day off while I still have to work all because of a guy who was responsible for genocide hundreds of years ago, but that obliviot moment made up for it. I laughed my ass off.