Regurgitated: Chip Clip
More big changes afoot here on the blog. Sundays will now be the official day of regurgitation here in The Abyss. Why have I been building this vast library of content if I don’t get to use it? Thus I will celebrate this treasure trove I have built by delving into the past and cherry picking a long lost gems to see the light of day one more time.
Up first, by request, is a piece entitled Chip Clip: The power to fuck you circa Oct. 11, 2009.
If you’ve ever purchased a product and had it fail during the very first use then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Like a brand new flashlight that breaks on the very first click that never works again. My humble post is an ode to lives never lived. In the unpublished sequel The Lorax and me team up to hunt the manufacturers of Once-ler products wielding axes and chainsaws. Spoiler alert: We never stop at just one.
Now, without further ado, I give you our regurgitated post of the week. Roll the crap. Hopefully the link below won’t break when you click it.
Freedom fries again
Freedom fries have been attacked. Freedom fries will be defended.
Remember the good old days when politician hyperbole was limited to things like “freedom fries?” Well, maybe not. Maybe that golden era never existed. But that’s a far cry from things like a “Satan sandwich” and “Satan fries.” No, I’m not making that up. Google it. It’s there.
But this isn’t a post about that. This is a post about foods.
Last Monday the Cow Orker was hungry. She said she was going to the Mexican fast food drive thru restaurant up the street. She asked if I wanted anything.
“I’ll take some french fries, please.”
Everyone thought I was nuts. French fries at a Mexican restaurant? “We’ll see,” I said with a wizened look in my eye.
She came back with a huge container of piping hot fries. They had made them fresh just for me. They were delicious, gorgeous, plump, beautiful and served up in a large styrofoam container. And the whole order was only $1.80. I think a large order at McDonalds costs almost twice as much.
The Cow Orker was insanely jealous. “I’ll just sit here and eat my chips. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip!” Mwuhahaha!
Today she decided to go back and get her own. She was positively beside herself with the wanting of the chips. She came back in the office talking about “disappointment.” For a moment, that made me jealous. What the hell is my personal companion doing flirting with someone else?
We gathered around the sad little bag she had returned with. She reached in and pulled out this tiny, greasy mess that looked more like a potato massacre than anything resembling what we had seen on Monday.
Limp. Lifeless. Greasy. Mushy. Lackluster. Wanting. Decidedly not served in a big stryofoam container but a little cup. Sad. Pathetic. Impotent. Spent. Waste. Different. Barely warm.
“What happened?” we asked.
She explained that she had ordered the exact same thing as before. It was $1.80, just like before. But the server had no idea what she was talking about when she explained that these fries were completely different. “No, no,” she was assured. “That’s how they always are.”
Except for that apparently make-believe land of 48 hours ago.
And that’s how I earned the title, Lord of the Fries.
FREEDOM!!!!!!
Chips on my shoulder, Ahoy!
I’m an employee. I don’t own this outfit. But if I did, I’ll tell you what I’d do to improve things around here:
Shut down the phones and eliminate all of the customers!
Oh yeah, then life would be good! 
Not a very realistic business plan, though, eh?
Allow me to introduce Angry Customer Guy. On Day One you meet him in your store. You can tell right off the bat he’s a difficult and ornery sort. After working retail for a while you develop a sixth sense for this sort of thing.
Our business has a policy that all in store sales are final. The policy is posted in several places by the counter and the cash register. I usually mention this policy prior to making the sale just to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings.
Even though we have this policy, we’re still flexible. We take care of customers all the time, with or without receipt, and usually no matter how much time has elapsed (within reason) as long as the product is still new and in sellable condition. We’ve even gone back years to work with customers. It works a little something like this: “I bought the XYZ Widget. I went home and shoved it in the closet for my spouse who was serving in Iraq. My spouse just got home a year later and we checked it out and it was the wrong widget.” We took care of that customer.
This customer, however, stormed in a few days later and threw his stuff down on the counter and demanded his money back. Because he bought the product just a few days ago he’s automatically eligible for an exchange or store credit. However, he wouldn’t let our service rep talk. As we tried to work with him he just got angrier and angrier. It can be hard to solve a problem for someone who won’t allow you the basic courtesy of speech.
Finally the man exclaimed that he is “a merchant in this town!” Whatever that is supposed to mean. Then he said he’s calling his lawyer. Then he said, “You guys do business on the internet, right? Well my son is an engineer at Microsoft!!!” and stomped out the front door. As the webmaster here, this comment caught the corner of my ear. Just what in the hell is that supposed to mean? I took it as a veiled threat against our web site.
Wow. It must be a lot of fun being that man. I may tend to be a bit negative, but I try to start every human interaction with the benefit of the doubt. Even if I’m angry I’ll see how I’m treated and I’ll be nice until I’m given a reason to behave otherwise.
This guy was obviously angry because his widget wasn’t working out for some reason. What that reason might be, we may never know. We were never provided with that information.
I hope this grumpy old man finds some sort of happiness before he croaks. It can’t be much fun going through life as a flaming douchebag.
Oh yeah, we were just served with his credit card dispute. It seems he is contesting the charge through his credit card company. Interestingly enough he states in his dispute, “product not as stated.” Huh? Nothing was stated. He took the thing off a shelf and bought it. Dumb ass.
Namaste!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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