Tag Archives: chinese

Here’s To Good Fiends

loud-barI’m in the mood to sing!

Here’s to good fiends
Tonight is kinda special
Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
Crop circles in the armpit
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can’t be happening
Mm, what’d you say?
Mm, that you only meant well
Well of course you did
Mm, what’d you say?
Mm, that it’s all for the best
Of course it is
Mm, what’d you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need
You decided this
Mm, what’d you say?
Mm, what did she say?
The beer we pour must say something more
Because from yelling my throat is sore
Your lips move and I can’t hear what you say

Leaving the small town for the big city did have one unfortunate side effect: We left all of our friends behind this presented a problem, especially since I stubbornly refuse to make new ones.

Thus, when old friends come to town, we’re excited to see them. “We should get together,” we say with genuine enthusiasm.

“Great. Meet us at the Chinese restaurant/karaoke bar, Saturday night, 9pm.”

Oh, shit. I want to die.
Continue reading →

Fortune has smiled on me

Fortune07“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.”
–Ambrose Bierce

Wow. Are things going my way now or what?

First, my wife took me to a Chinese restaurant for dinner last night. After voluntarily moving to a small town, the Chinese food here leaves a lot to be desired. The locals will enthusiastically tell you how good a place is, but when you go there it never turns out well. I can only assume these recommendations are based on the fact the person has never been outside of city limits and has never had real Chinese. Continue reading →

Unfortunate Cookie

Image courtesy of orangachang (Flickr)

I used to think that fortune cookies were merely lies, or worse.

Now I suspect that they tell the truth, only in ways we don’t suspect. Clever.

Let’s use the one I received last night as an example. At the end of the meal a tray containing two fortune cookies was placed between my wife and myself. As usual, I indicated she could make the selection. “Go ahead and choose my fate,” I said. “Just like you always do.”

“But which will you choose?” I pressed on. “Will you take the cookie which is closest, perhaps the easiest, most expected route? Or will you reach farther for the one that is seemingly not for you? Or, perhaps, is that what they want you to think, and they want you to believe that the farthest cookie isn’t really for you, thus knowing that it will be your selection?”

I was rather pleased with myself.

She just shrugged and grabbed the nearest cookie.

So what great piece of wisdom was left for me? I carefully cracked my cookie open and gently tugged at the fortune inside. RIP! It just tore in half. Fitting.

Luckily I was able to use my extreme intelligence and, against all odds, reassemble the two pieces of paper and read what the fates had in store for me.

You will travel to many exotic places and learn to look within.
–Tom’s Fortune

What the fuck? What a crock of shit! LIES!!! As usual.

Like I’m going to travel anywhere. I can’t even pay for my own health care and I’m slowly deteriorating away. Travel? Ha! For me an “exotic” place is a town about 25 miles away that’s just a skosh bigger than the one where I live. And I only make that particular trip a few times a year. “Lies,” I again said to myself. “How the hell am I going to travel anywhere?”

A few moments later, however, I had a rare moment of insight and clarity. It was one of those “aha” moments. I had solved the riddle of the cookie! I remembered, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Indeed! Since the prospect of travel within my lifetime is a distinct impossibility, then there can only be one conclusion. The fortune refers to my very own death!

And, taking the inference to it’s logical extreme, there must be many layovers, aka “exotic places” that one must travel to after death and on one’s journey to Hell. And where else, I surmised, would I finally have the kind of free time required to actually dare to “look within?” Indeed, it is easy to imagine that particular activity as my special version of Hell.

Again I was pleased. Not only had I solved the riddle of the cookie but I also had gained the knowledge of my future. It turns out that sometimes I’m wrong. These damn cookies can contain truth after all!

A special kudos goes out to my wife for coming up with the subject line for this post. Woot!

Bonus: Learn how to make paper fortune cookies at the For the Love of Paper blog. Something tells me these would make great gifts and you get to express yourself via the writing form known as The Fortune. I can already think of several. Like, “You will die alone.” Of course we all have to inject our own personality into the fortune writing process, right? If you’re lucky maybe you’ll find yourself on my gift giving list and I’ll make some for you!

Interactive: What fortune cookie messages have you received lately? Enter them in the comment section below and I’ll do my best to perform a Negativity Fortune Analysis as my special gift to you. No charge.