A Bite of Guru: Ham and Cheese Sandwich
What the hell is this?!
Attention food manufacturers: I could be representing your product online. Hire me and experience a whole new world of exposure. What would it be like? Here’s a little taste. –Ed.
“What is that?” some moron asked me one day.
I chewed and gulped hard. “It’s a ham and cheese sandwich,” I replied even though my mouth was still full.
“And what the hell is that?” they continued with their clever line of questioning.
“I’ll be happy to explain it for you.”
—
First find yourself some wheat. Harvest the caryopsis (a combination of endosperm, germ, and bran) and mill it to a fine powder. Add some water and a handful of single-cell microorganisms (species Saccharomyces cerevisiae), stir, let rest and insert into a high-temperature chamber for awhile.
Meanwhile kill a pig. Process the meat via curing, smoking or salting. Slice the meat thin.
Find a cow (preferably a female). Gather the white liquid produced by the mammary glands. Allow the liquid to curdle, then beginning mill when it becomes curds. Do this for a long while until the sharp edges of the curd pieces are removed. Allow to ripen. Finally, process the whole thing with additional cow white liquid, salt, preservatives and food coloring. Shape (wheel or loaf) and allow to harden. Be sure approx. 10% or less of the final product is mold. Slice into thin pieces.
Using the same white liquid, agitate forcefully until the fat is separated from the rest. To the fat add salt, flavorings and preservatives. Spread this substance on half of the baked wheat product made earlier.
Finally, take an emulsion of oil and combine in a blender with the golden-yellow part of the chicken reproduction process and vinegar or lemon juice (your choice). Spread this on the remaining wheat product.
Stick the processes thin meat and thin pieces of white liquid mold between the wheat product pieces. This entire assembly is known as a “sandwich.”
Optional: Fry the whole thing in a skillet, if you wish. It can be served hot or cold.
Enjoy!
Note: You can skip the “find a cow” sections by purchasing Kraft Singles which adds the following additional ingredients: milk, whey, milk protein concentrate, milkfat, sodium citrate, contains less than 2% of calcium phosphate, whey protein concentrate, salt, lactic acid, sorbic acid as a preservative, cheese culture, annatto and paprika extract (color), enzymes, vitamin d3. (Source: Wikipedia.)
Crapples To Crapples
Untreated European apples with natural “browning.” See what a difference a little diphenylamine can make?
Ah, Europe. A place where they eat cigarettes like Halloween candy going out of style yet worry about every little nit when it comes to their food.
Viva dichotomy!
“Oui! Next week I may hack up a cancerous thing that used to be a lung but today I will live, dammit, live! The juices of life must be savored to the fullest! The one thing we must absolutely never allow is diphenylamine in our food, you damn foolishly greedy capitalistic yanks.”
I, for one, say thanks. Because, without the European Food Safety Authority banning this, that and the other thing, I wouldn’t be able to say things like: “Oh yeah? Well Kraft Macaroni & Cheese still contains two artificial dyes banned in Europe.” Chef Booyah la de Fuckin’ Dah!
Kraft Foods is an American food company that was owned by a tobacco company until recently when they jury rigged the corporate legalese by rebranding Philip Morris as Altria Inc. and allegedly, in 2007, successfully underwent a Siamese twins separation operation, at least theoretically on paper. That’s because Kraft wants you to know they care about what you put in your body. Kraft Kares ™.
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Foods With Benefits
Food has been sleeping around with your stomach and no condoms have ever been involved. It’s like a 60’s love fest in your belly. Groovy, baby.
It turns out that the human stomach isn’t that discriminating. It’s a go-with-the-flow kind of hipster dufus (probably wearing a fedora) who blindly trusts decisions made by the brain and mouth. Ha ha ha! Like they give a shit about downstream organs!
Tom’s Law #42
As one becomes less involved in the production and preparing of one’s own food, the odds of unwanted contaminants, unknown ingredients, lessened nutrition, deception and malice are exponentially increased.
Chew on that!
For example, the average fast food patron eats an average of 12 public hairs per year. And probably in a public place! Some things are meant to be handled in pubic.
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The Great Vain Snobbery: Area Effects
Our scientists have identified three distinct phases of Christmas: Before, During and After.
We all know about The Before. This is the land of advent calendars, interminable waiting, day-based countdowns and dropping hints. Not much else of interest here.
The During, of course, is sublime. This is what it’s all about. Ripping open presents and experiencing that fleeting moment of glee. This phase usually lasts less than 20 minutes.
So, what’s left? Just The After. This is where boredom sets in. Shiny objects have a luster half-life akin to that of beryllium-8 aka 81.9 seconds. This is also the domain of “only 364 days until next Christmas” and “you’re already late on buying Valentine’s Day candy.”
There is, however, one saving grace of The After. I’m talking about, of course, snubbery, snobbery and bragissimo. Let’s compare our gifts!
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IKEA the Light
Being new to the big city, my wife and I ran off last night and did something that officially baptized us as seasoned big city denizens. Nothing in this city will ever hold our wonder again.
Laws, yes. M-O-O-N. That’s spells IKEA. And what a sight it was to behold. In fact, I’m going to do my best to document the experience from the perspective of all five senses. Yes, all five! It’s a lofty goal. Let’s see how I do.
After consulting the texts of ancient lore (Google) we determined that we’d have to drive through about 10 miles of urban jungle in areas we had never explored before. This was going to be something new. I packed my machete just in case we saw any urbane gorillas.
At first we worried we might get lost, but while still about 42 miles away, the shape of IKEA loomed large and glowed in the distance. There was no mistaking the mountain of yellow and blue which shined bigger and brighter than Mt. Everest as seen from a distance of 12 feet.
The only close call we had on the way over was when my wife reflexively knee-jerked the car and almost pulled into the parking lot of another garishly colored blue and yellow building. But that only turned out to be the IKEA warehouse. I hate to burst any bubbles but apparently the trendy product widgets contained in the IKEA store are not actually björn there.
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Crowbar Ranch: Ag-Gag Update
Some of the most successful posts on this humble blog pertained to Crowbar Ranch. That’s the term I came up with in 2010 for Conklin Dairy Farms where an employee was videotaped abusing animals.
It’s time for a very, very disturbing and frightening update. For those of us who were left wondering how industry might respond, now we have our answer.
Industry groups and forces with deep pockets and with purchased politicians in tow have joined forces to push for laws that will criminalize the act of secretly videotaping animal abuse.
Yes, you read that right. Industry could have responded by saying, “We are outraged. These cases are outlier events. We are eager police ourselves and prove that industry can be responsible. This sort of activity will never be tolerated.”
They could have done that. They didn’t. Instead they unleashed their lobbyists and let the money flow to politicians who now support draconian industry-sponsored legislation.
Stop animal abuse or attempt to stop those who attempt to uncover it? That’s a tough choice for some. The farm industry is basically saying, “We want the right and the protection for animal abuse to continue. And we will do whatever it takes to protect this status quo. Even labeling those who seek to expose the truth as criminals and terrorists.”
Is it too much to ask that an industry that profits from animals should be expected to treat the animals responsibly? Industry steps up and emphatically responds, “Yes!!! That is too much to ask.”
Sad.
It’s not just about the animals, either. Some experts have speculated about the deleterious effects to the food supply and the risk it poses to the health of human beings. As usual we are more than willing to cut off our noses to spite our faces if, while in the process, we can make a few bucks.
Transparency is the best weapon against this sort of thing. Most forms of evil thrive best in the seclusion of privacy.
So called “Ag-Gag” laws criminalize attempts to discover animal abuse by means of secret videotape, failure to disclose ties to animal rights groups during the hiring process, and require all video to be turned over to police within 24-48 hours, etc. (The latter eliminates the power of viral videos.) A bill in Arkansas seeks to prevent “harm” to a “livestock or poultry operation.” Animal abuse is acceptable but don’t try to harm a sacred cow like an “operation.” (Rhymes with “corporation.”)
Last year, Missouri, Utah and Iowa passed ag-gag laws. There are now five states with ag-gag laws on the books.
In a bit of good news, three states (New Mexico, New Hampshire and Wyoming) killed proposed ag-gag legislation this year.
Even so, more states are currently considering getting on board in the ag-gag game: Arkansas, California (the land of “happy” cows), Indiana, Nebraska, Pennsylvania, Tennessee and Vermont (the home of Ben & Jerry’s).
Without the power of video people will still have the right to report what they see. And we all know how that story turns out. They’ll be fired, harassed, maligned and marginalized and caught in a He Said, She Said situation where nothing of any value will ever happen. Industry thinks of that outcome as the freedom to operate with total impunity.
Behold the power of the agricultural lobbies. They can take fast, swift and decisive action when they are in the mood. Unfortunately they have opted to use this power for ill. It’s enough to make me sick to my stomach.
Important reading:
Où êtes-vous, Roquefort?
There’s blue cheese and then there’s Roquefort. I developed a penchant for the latter during three years of French class. Oui, oui!
Blue cheese is a general classification of cow’s milk, sheep’s milk, or goat’s milk cheeses that have had cultures of the mold Penicillium added so that the final product is spotted or veined throughout with blue, blue-gray or blue-green mold, and carries a distinct smell, either from that or various specially cultivated bacteria. Some blue cheeses are injected with spores before the curds form and others have spores mixed in with the curds after they form. Blue cheeses are typically aged in a temperature-controlled environment such as a cave. Blue cheese can be eaten by itself or can be crumbled or melted into or over foods. (Source: Wikipedia.)
Roquefort is a variety of blue cheese, but to be called “Roquefort,” by law, it must be “aged in the natural Combalou caves of Roquefort-sur-Soulzon.” According to legend, it was in those very caves when a young man, tempted by a beautiful girl, abandoned his lunch including ewes’ milk cheese in a cave. When he returned to the cave a few months later, he was startled to discover that the mold (Penicillium roqueforti) had transformed his forgotten lunch into Roquefort. Viola!
Only the French could have such a romantic backstory about the invention of a cheese.
The other day I was thinking about First Meal. I’ve been spending a lot of my time planning what I will eat after my 39-days of Abyss Island are over. I’ve taken to calling it First Meal and it has assumed legendary importance in my life. The odds on favorite is currently homemade fried chicken. Oh yes.
I was thinking about this when I remarked to my wife, “You know what I want to eat for First Meal?” She just rolled her eyes. “What the hell ever happened to Roquefort, anyway? I used to look for the official seal, then poof. One day it was just gone man.”
Well, I think found out what happened. And, believe it or not, the trail leads right back to George W. Bush. Holy moldy! Son of a bitch!
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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