Tom the Half-a-Life
Half a beer, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. But half the beer has got to be, vis-à-vis its liquidity – d’you see? But can o’ beer be said to be or not to be an entire beer when half the beer is not a beer, due to some recent imbibery?
Positive? Negative? Is the beer mug half full or half empty? Beer isn’t just something that you drink. It’s something that you do.
I thought I knew beer. It was something I drank once in a while. Nothing special, nothing to write home about. But then I moved to Portland, Oregon, the microbrew capital of the world.
In July 2011, representatives from the Oregon Brewers Festival declared Portland had 40 microbreweries located within the city limits, more than any city in the world and greater than one-third of the state total.
Suddenly I was awash in the stuff. I was drinking a “pint” almost every day of my life. Sometimes more.
Sure, it was nice. The formula is simple:
More Beer = The Good
There was, however, a problem. A big problem. (Surprised?) I don’t like generating cans and bottles. For one thing, in Oregon, you pay a five cent tithe per container. For another, you gots to lug ’em around and shit. And I despise going back to the euphemistically-named “redemption centers” to get those nickels back. Unless you love hacking and slashing your way through a literal jungle of flies with your handy machete. So we’d end up just tossing the empties in the recycling bin, essentially a cash donation to The State. For some reason that gnawed at the very fiber of my existence.
Then, by chance, it happened. I learned of something called The Growler.
It was at that moment I learned that I had been living only half a life. (Prior to that I was merely radioactive.) As is often my wont, I celebrated by bursting into song…
Continue reading →
Survivor: Abyss Island – Day 15 Immunity Challenge
Abyss Island: S1E6 – Nice Cans
Life on the island of late has been pretty good. The spice kit reward has been a tasty boon to my existence and my persistence with the fishing gear finally paid off – I caught a tiny lobster tail!
With my win in this week’s reward challenge I also picked up the second clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol. The clue said something about “stinkin'” and a place where I do my “best thinkin’.” Methinks I should prioritize my search patterns to the bathroom.
On the actual show persnickety survivors start looking for the idol even before they have clues. And somehow, against all odds, there have been times when they’ve been able to find the damn thing even before clues have been released. I smell a rat. (Oh, wait. That was season one.) The producers wouldn’t influence the action, would they?
I can assure you that at least on Abyss Island the producers show no favoritism. It’s sink or swim. Find it your own damn self.
Unlike my televised counterparts, I take a more lackadaisical approach. Even so, I decided to carefully check the bathrooms. I noticed a few things that have been there for years as if seeing them for the very first time. I’d bring them to my wife and say, “This must be the idol!” and she’d heartily laugh at me.
“You’ll know it when you see it,” is the only cryptic response I got. Damn.
Continue reading →