Breaking News: Weather affects cars
I remain committed to producing the best quality graphs based on made-up data to support my inane points regarding the issues I really care to rant about.
What does this mean to you? Not much. Hey, just like the local evening news! I think I’m onto something here.
Our top story tonight. Ominous fluffy clouds, pregnant with expectation (and moisture), have birthed innumerable litters of chubby drops that the WeatherTrac9000 computer calls “rain.” These drops are currently on a collision course with the place most of us live. The WeathTrac9000 calls that place the “ground.” We are currently projecting that these drops of mostly water will make the ground “wet.”
We start our exclusive News42 team coverage with Alex on remote location standing by a street. Alex?
…three seconds of awkward silence from Alex as he stares into the camera with a fake grin plastered on his face not realizing yet that he’s already on…
That’s right, Cassandra. Weather is coming to a street near you and it is pissed off. I’ll step aside to see if we can get a shot of this. You can clearly see drops of water hitting this street. And that is creating a dangerous situation that leaves some drivers out in the cold.
Earlier today this was the scene, with street surfaces wet. In one case, we found a car pulled over on the side of the road with its blinkers on. That driver was forced to sit and wait and hope that conditions would improve.
Even worse conditions may already be on the way. For that we go to Marko in the WeatherTrac9000 Weather Center. Marko?
That’s right, Alex. We are currently projecting alternating periods of light and dark at approx. 12 hour intervals until further notice. This means some rain may be less visible at certain times. Viewers are advised to remain on this channel for the latest updates as they become available.
For the intelligence-impaired here’s tonight’s Weather-Pick-Toe-Graph. This patented WeatherTrac9000 system helps those suffering from small brain syndrome to help prepare for the weather. Tonight’s picture: The Gorton’s Fishman in bright yellow slickers including full-frontal hoodie. We’re showing him holding a ship’s steering wheel but you don’t actually have to have one of your own.
For the rest of you I will now show lots of slides and animations and maps and use a lot meteorological words for eight full minutes of our 16-minute broadcast (not counting commercials).
Chess and Mate
The other day I strolled up to my lovely wife and said, “I just beat the computer at chess, playing white, for the first time at level six.”
Her reaction wasn’t exactly what I had hoped.
“Jesus Christ,” she said. “You’re getting into chess now, too?”
Click here for an expertly annotated game I played recently. Actually, it’s very advanced stuff. Never mind. Don’t click this link. You can’t handle the link!
Uh oh. Somehow I just found my way to the doghouse. Again.
Back when I was younger, in my 20s I think, I had the luxury of time. Those were the good old days. I can still remember it. I can remember what it was like to have so much time that you could actually feel bored.
Yes, those were the days. You could do crazy things like lay around the house all weekend eating Cheetos and watching all of the U.S. Open from start to finish on a three-day weekend. No, I didn’t like tennis that much, but since I was bored it became something that could be done. I watched a lot of tennis when I was younger. The last ten years of my life? Not so much.
Long story short, back then I had this little Radio Shack chess board. You could play a game of chess against the computer. You’d press your piece into the board to indicate your move and little LED lights would show the computer’s moves. For the hell of it, I decided to see how far I could take it. I started on the lowest level of difficulty and played games alternating white and black. When I won two games in a row I’d move up a level in difficulty. If I lost a game I went down a level in difficulty.
Since I had free time up the ass and I was bored it was no big deal to lay around the house for hours on end playing the computer in chess. I got to learn the way that sucker played. I learned his tricks. I learned the way he thinked. And my chess game improved. I got to where I could consistently beat the thing on the upper levels. But it took a hella investment in time.
But that was then. This is now. And here in the now time is my enemy like you wouldn’t believe.
These days life is lived almost exclusively 24/7 with hair on fire. It’s wake up and do this and that. Then hurry to get to work. Then race home and do the evening routine. Then try to get a few minutes in with the spouse. Then watch TV together. Then go to bed. Repeat.
There’s no time to stop and smell the roses. No time to have leisurely conversations with my wife, like laying on our backs in a field looking up at the clouds in the sky.
These days I am never ever bored. My opinion regarding boredom has definitely evolved over time. These days I view it as a decadent luxury. It’s a thing of the past, something reserved for other people.
Being who I am, though, being a curious sort, I can’t help myself from becoming interested in things. Things that take time. This is where I get into a bit of trouble.
Over three years ago a friend talked me into trying World of Warcraft (WOW), something I had resisted successfully until then. Who the hell needs a time suck like that in their life? The William Shatner commercial for WOW on TV didn’t help – it sucked me in hard. I had to get me some of that. My friend dropped out and there I was still playing all by myself. For the win! Two years later and I had a bunch of level 80 characters and my wife hated motherfucking WOW.
Then there was photography, which I’m still very much into, but just taking a little break because of the restraints of time.
And blogging, of course. I’m hard core about the blogging. The decision to write every single day has had a dramatic effect of my life. Everything is a skosh more compressed than it used to be. Free time is even more precious.
Seemingly I’m always on the lookout for the next thing that will suck up my time. Like chess. Meanwhile, I find myself thinking crazy shit like, “I’d like to take guitar lessons” or “I should learn a second language.”
Since I got the iPod other things are creeping in, too. Like a virtual flower garden where I grow flowers from seeds and then email them to my wife. The only problem? She’s mega-pissed that I won’t go help in our real garden. (Real fresh outside air. Danger! Danger!)
Perhaps I’ll even write a book. (Never gonna happen.)
We’re all going to die sometime. It’s only a question of how and when. You will too, Captain. Don’t you feel time gaining on you? It’s like a predator; it’s stalking you. Oh, you can try and outrun it with doctors, medicines, new technologies but in the end, time is going to hunt you down… and make the kill.
–Dr. Soran just before he threw himself into The Nexus
What’s next? And what are your time-crunching diversions?
The Chef’s Pairing for this post has been canceled. It was going to be “I’m a Potato” by Devo but apparently their music is too good to be on the internet where, you know, people might actually listen to it. Instead, please enjoy the Special of the Day made with last week’s ingredients.