Tag Archives: blank

The Blog That Wasn’t There Part Two

This is the exciting conclusion to a two-part series entitled The Blog That Wasn’t There. When we left I had just accidentally hit the Publish button and created part one. -Ed

We were led to believe that hyperlinks were good. They could lead to other websites. They were part and parcel of the grand “content” scheme, the belief that sharing would occur across the internet.

For example, bloggers could embed video, music, images and more with just a bit of text. Books on blogging advised us that this was the thing to do.

Even WordPress got in on it. They rolled out something called PicApp. It was a way to legally include a vast library of commercial images in your posts. Like a good little foot soldier I used the feature every chance I could get.

What could possibly go wrong?

Bloggy

Bloggy, bloggy wasn’t there
Bloggy, bloggy didn’t care it wasn’t there
Just like my underwear
Bloggy wasn’t there

If you got a bloggy issue, here’s a bloggy tissue
BL to the O to the G G Y
BL to the O to the G G Y
Say it gots no soul but blog has gots a wide gaping hole

Do bloggers ever go back and re-read their own stuff? I do. Perhaps I’m doing a bit of research on a new post or I want to link something in. When I go through this process I’ll often re-read the entire thing. That’s usually when I discover all sorts of horrible typos that my editor failed to catch. Hint: I don’t have an editor.

And I’m just OCD enough to fix them, years later, once discovered.

But as I went through this exercise I began to notice something else. All my contents were gone.

There, on the blog post, where a content used to be… What’s that?

It’s the wide gaping hole of nothingness.

Every spot where I used PicApp in good faith is now an empty rectangle. All of those YouTube videos? They have been replaced by even funner messages like:

  • The video uploader made the video private
  • The uploader account no longer exists
  • The video is no longer available due to a copyright claim by Sony. (You know, the company that wrote fake reviews of its own movies. They are sticklers for the rule of law.)
  • The video is not allowed in your country.
  • The uploader has restricted playback on your platform.
  • YouTube performed an exorcism of the video. (Only applies to Kirk Cameron while trying to promote his latest narcissistic crappy movie.)
  • Video was deemed “hate speech” after whiny protests by the Church Lady and her cohorts. (Only applies to atheists who are amazing.)

In fact, my research indicates all videos will be removed by YouTube except for the following:

  • Funny video of cat

Now I go back and look at old posts and I, the inimitable author of same, don’t even have a clue what was supposed to be there. And all this time you actually thought you were building something. Ha ha ha ha!

The moral of this story: It’s obvious. Never, never, never include embed any content in your blog posts. That’s the worst mistake you can ever make.

So, effective immediately, I’m renaming this place The Library Of Gaping Holes Formerly Known As Contents. The Library of Alexandria had nothing on this vast repository of suppositories.

Just consider it my gift to you. Feel free to come on back any time you want your head filled with nothing.

How Pandora can help you write your blog

writer's block - crushed and crumpled paper on notepadI’m looking at a blank space on my computer screen and my mind is equally blank.

Oh noes! Writer’s block!

Like most days, I woke up with oodles of enthusiasm and lots of blog post ideas dancing in my head. I rushed to my office and sat down and the words magically flowed from my fingertips and into the computer, which, during the process, became an extension of my stream of consciousness.

Voila! In no time at all a blog post was born.

Too bad I can’t use it. It sets a new low, even for me. Personally I love it. But then this awareness washed over me like a tsunami of failure. The post is simply too pathetic, even for this POS blog.

Fuck!

Back to the drawing board, I guess. And that’s when it happened. The blank screen consumed me. It seems I have no more ideas left in me for today. Guru powers can be draining. I got nothing. Nothing times infinity. Plus one. And then some. With motherfucking sprinkles on top.

Pandora boothI’ve had an idea for some time for helping me through rough spots as a writer. It involves Pandora, the personalized internet radio service.

My idea works like this:

  • Load Pandora
  • Pick one of your existing stations based on your mood
  • From the first song that comes up, divine inspiration
  • Go!

Inspiration can take the form of a word, idea or feeling that the song evokes.

That’s it. That’s the gist of an idea I came up with to help me think of something to blog about. It’s not exactly rocket science, eh? Because I got stuck this morning, I decided to give it the old college try.

Station: Theory of a Deadman

Yeah, my mood isn’t exactly the best. In fact, I’ve been sitting here literally wondering if I’m insane. I’ve been thinking I need some sort of treatment. So I picked the rock band Theory of a Deadman to suit my mood.

I was very curious to see what song would come up. From where would inspiration spring? This is a lot like holding a question in your head, picking up a book and opening to a page at random.

Song: Lowlife

Perfect! That’s just perfect! I just painted myself into a corner! Fail. Woots.

I won’t say what that other post was about – the wife would kill me – but here’s a wee hint:

Short Story: The Writer’s Lament #BlogShorts

The Writer’s Lament
by Tom B. Taker

The deadline loomed. A blank page mocked him.

He pounded the desk with his fist, spilling his gin.

“Dammit,” he moaned.

Then he knew. Inspired fingers leapt to the keys.

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

My printer is shooting blanks

I think the computer is trying to tell us something.

This page came out of my printer yesterday. It was the second page of a two page print job:

The top margin contained one line:

3/22/2010 – Print Full Page – MyRecipies

The bottom margin contains one line:

find.myrecipes.com/…/recipefinder.dyn?… – 2/2

In between those two margins? Nothing but wide open space, baby!

Wouldn’t it be nice if your operating system detected such situations and popped up a preview window? “You are about to waste a tree. Do you really want to print this page?”

“I’m a computer user held against my will in bondage and Macrocost Winblows Se7en was not my idea.”