Back in Black Taco Friday
Mmm. Remember the black jack taco from Taco Bell? Featuring “jack sauce?” Trust me, that sauce is hard to make! Oh, those were the good old days. Black taco, where art thou and why hast thou forsaken us?
Black taco. Say it with me. It just rolls off the tongue.
Black taco. Black taco. Black taco.
By the way, this post has absolutely nothing to do with black tacos. But I feel like I may need some black tacos soon. I’m craving black nourishment. I’m even feeling black.
The time draws near when black taco must ride again.
What could possibly have caused this blackout?
It might be the goddamn commercials on TV trying to coax shoppers under the premise that so-called “Black Friday” savings can now be purloined all fucking month long!!!
Whooo-eeee! Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!
You mean even a loser like me can be stupid enough to give you my money? And think I’m actually getting a good deal? Because you’ve created a shopping holiday and are now trying to exploit it into a whole damn month of consumeristic frenzy?
Dear Sears. Dear Walmart. As the premium purveyors of Black Friday porn as early as October, you have earned my wrath. You’ve done a great job. I have seen your slime trails. I will not set foot in your stores no matter what.
New Blog Feature: As I See It
There are two main problems I see with the approach of trying to stretch a single fake day into more than a single fake month.
First, “Black Friday” has a time honored tradition of violence, elbow throwing, hair pulling, nail scratching, selfishness and the ever-popular trampling people to death. By stretching the holiday out so long you deprive your shoppers of the experience, and that simply isn’t “Black Friday” at all.
Secondly, it’s simply an utterly lame reason for a sale. What about all the time-honored reasons for sales?
- President’s Day
- Fourth of July
- Clinton-Lewinsky Blowjob Anniversary Day
- Inventory Blowout
- Going Out of Business (and re-opening with a new name)
- Rabid frogs ate our warehouse and we’re passing the savings on to you
- Back to School
In fact, if memory serves, there about 4,000 different types of sales and only 365 days in a year. Isn’t that enough?
I bet stores like Sears and Walmart think they are so clever. “Black Friday is out biggest shopping day of the year,” they lament. “If only there was some way to cash in on that.” It turns out there is a way. It’s called fucking Black Friday.
If you do decide to go to one of these lame ass sales, here’s some ideas to try to capture that “Black Friday” spirit of fun and adventure:
- Bring ten of your friends and wait for the store to open, pounding on the front door and repeatedly chanting, “Open, open, open!”
- When the doors open, race your friends through the store for a specific item. Only the first one to grab the item will be allowed to buy that item.
- After that has been decided, allow one of your group of shoppers to challenge the winner to a fist fight for retention of the item.
- Try to find and push over an innocent person, preferably elderly and/or in a mobility device and/or pregnant, then once they are on the ground and helpless try to jump over them. (Stampede Simulation.)
- Knock over at least one merchandise display.
- Grab a brand new Playstation 3 and go to the electronics counter and yell as loudly as you can, “I’m only paying $48.88 for this!”
- If security tries to intervene at any point, kick them in the nards.
- Have a laptop throwing contest. Longest toss wins a six-piece order of Chicken McNuggets or, for a limited time only, the holy grail of fast food, the McRib. Remember that official Olympic rules for this sport state: “The laptop is thrown from a circle with a diameter of 2.5 meters.” No cheating!
- Pat each other down and beat the shit out of anyone who isn’t packing at least one fully-loaded firearm.
- Bring along your own “security” person and try to pepper spray and tazer everyone in your group!
- Bonus idea: Hide poop around the store to sabotage other shoppers!
Dear Taco Bell
Dear Taco Bell,
I went in to buy a burrito. I had 89 cents from my piggy bank I had just smashed with a hammer when mom wasn’t looking. I also put a hole in the wall. All I wanted was a bean burrito. I was told I needed 10 more cents. Why can’t I has a bean burrito? Why?
P.S. God bless us, every one!
Thank you for your kind note. Have you tried our black taco?
We aren’t really sure why our Chicken Burrito costs only 89 cents but a Bean Burrito costs 99 cents. I guess we’re just a bunch of idiots.
Black taco-ly yours,
P.S. The only God we recognize is black taco. Oh, and have we mentioned the black taco yet?
Black out … black head … black heart … black taco?!?!?
I wish to add a few more thoughts regarding my black taco post from yesterday.
First, while checking out the “taco bell” tag on WordPress, I came across a taco bell scam on someone else’s blog. It seems Taco Bell displayed a photo of a “box” deal but that all items in the photo were not necessarily included because of some fine print.
From the blog’s original post “Taco Bell is the Epitome of False Advertising” (which has since been taken down):
I didn’t get any Cinnamon Twists, and when I politely reminded my server that they were missing from my order she went on to point out a size 12 font line below the picture of my Lunch in which it says “Cinnamon Twist’s are not available at this location.” WHAT?!?!
Lets think this through, Did Taco Bell want me to read that point of interest? or did they want me to buy the food and then assume it was no big deal. I would like to think that I have good vision, but I couldn’t read the line even after she pointed it out.
The guy makes a damn good point. Are you fricking kidding me? If you are not going to include the item in the deal, do something more than mention it in the fine print. One idea that comes to mind: Don’t use that fucking sign!
Secondly, I think Taco Bell should offer a special on their black tacos the day after Thanksgiving. Go shopping in style. “Black Friday? Black taco!” What a brilliant way to proclaim to the world that you are a consumer whore while you shop till you drop.
I’ve never shopped on so-called “Black Friday” and I never will.
More importantly, which hand will hold your black taco? The one use for pushing and/or punching other shoppers out of the way or the one used for grabbing consumer goods? You make the call!
Perhaps Taco Bell could introduce a line of black taco fanny packs so people could munch and shop at the very same time. For those who are truly desperate they could simply wear a taco on each ear as shown in this image taken from the official Taco Bell web site a couple years ago.
Thirdly, just what the hell is a black taco shell made out of, anyway? I went to the Taco Bell web site and can’t find the ingredients. A Google search also came up dry. Don’t fast food restaurants have to divulge their ingredients? They have nutrition information on their web site (the black taco has 210 calories) and what allergens it contains (milk, eggs and soybean) but they don’t mention the ingredients. Just how in the hell do they make that shell black?
I’ve never had a black taco and I don’t think I ever will until I know just what the hell they are doing with their fast food chemistry set. Why hide it? Makes me wonder.
I did find this tidbit on the Taco Bell Ingredient Statement web page (but there is absolutely no mention of black taco shell):
Corn, Vegetable Oil (May Contain One Or All Of The Following: Soybean, Corn, Or Cottonseed Oil), Oat Fiber, TBHQ (Used As A Preservative).
Find out more about TBHQ on this Wikipedia page.
Mmm. That sounds good!
Black tar … black lung … black mold … black taco?!?!?
The new “black taco” at Taco Bell with … jack sauce?
First of all, let’s get this messy little bit of business out of the way right off the bat. We all know where that “jack sauce” comes from, right?
Now I don’t normally watch too much TV, but the commercial for this new food item got me thinking. A black taco shell? This from the same company that had taco shells in grocery stores with genetically engineered corn that was “not for human consumption.”
That particular cluster fuck was brought to us by Kraft Foods using their Taco Bell license. And, as well all know, Kraft is the food division of Philip Morris Co., with more than 70 brands and $17.5 billiion in sales.
Philip Morris, the tobacco company, has since changed its name to the more devious Altria, but we all still know what their primary product is, right?
Wait. Now I get it. I guess a black taco shell is a great idea after all. Now I get the connection. The new black taco at Taco Bell. Be the first on your block to smoke one!