San Diego Chargers Playoff Picks
Any team responsible for this will enjoy success in the NFL. Strike that. Reverse it. Commitment to ex-lax.
Sure, football is stupid, only a game, and something certain so-called manly men do to squeeze precious nectar of testosterone out of their nutsacks like an orange on a juicer.
In other words, you have come to the right place for inciteful NFL postseason analysis.
It’s the playoffs.
Those of you who caught my microblog on Twitter of the San Diego Chargers vs. The Denver Broncos already know what to expect. I’m going to hit it and I’m going to hit it hard.
The San Diego Chargers could have beaten Peyton Manning and The Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium if they had followed my carefully developed strategy. Since Peyton’s offense was too powerful, my advice was to not field a defense and allow the Broncos to score at will. (This is essentially what happened.) Then, when on offense, the Chargers could break out their secret weapon and run the fake punt on first down. Every first down of the game.
–Tom B. Taker
Alas, the Chargers failed to heed my advice, so I’m forced to offer my predictions for the rest of the playoffs.
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Michael Vick barks that he’d like to be sacked from Eagles
Michael Vick (who I’ve written about before) was back in the news this week.
First, it seems some comments he made about his new team, the Philadelphia Eagles, have been interpreted by some as Vick saying he is “disgruntled” with his situation with the Eagles. Keep in mind that this is the same team that gave him a chance to get back in the game after he spent 18 months in jail for bankrolling a dogfighting ring.
Regarding the prospects of returning to play for the Philadelphia Eagles next year, Vick had this to say:
“It would be hard. It would be an everyday struggle. But I would have to take that time to hone my skills and get better. I’m excited about the opportunity I have moving forward whether it’s with Philadelphia or another team.”
Not exactly what you would call enthusiasm for your employer, eh? Especially when the current season is only about half-way done. And keep in mind that he’s being paid $1.6 million for 2009 and the Eagles have the option of picking him up in 2010 for $5.2 million. He has the balls to poop on that? Wow.
Of course when interviewed later he back-peddled from his earlier comments in true NFL quarterback/dog enthusiast style, saying that his only concern right now is helping the Eagles win a Super Bowl and not on where he’ll be playing next year. Right.
The Eagles want Vick to play out of something called the Wildcat formation. (I have no clue what that is.) Think of this situation as an employer telling an employee, “I’ll pay you money and this is what I want you to do.” Vick’s response? “I won’t be a Wildcat guy. I can’t. It’s a different style of play. It’s almost like a hit-or-miss type of thing. My position is quarterback. That’s what I was born to do.”
You just can’t fake true class like that. Thanks for giving me a job but I won’t do it, won’t like it, I’ll bitch about it to the press, and I’ll undermine my teammates while the current season is still underway. I mean, come on! Who wouldn’t want this guy on their team?
The second bit of Vick news is that a federal court ruled that Vick can keep $16 million in bonuses from his former team, the Atlanta Falcons, even though he wasn’t available to play and earn those bonuses because his ass was in jail. I’ve got to try that sometime. Spend two years in jail, get out, then tell my boss I want the Christmas bonuses I missed paid in full. That would be a nice gig.
Lastly, I haven’t seen anything new about Vick’s reality TV show to air on BET that will document has “trials” and “tribulations.” I’m keeping my ear to the ground on that one. Maybe we’ll learn more soon.
One thing I have in common with NFL quarterback Michael Vick
I have found a tenuous shred of commonality between myself and Michael Vick:
… Vick [has] not served one minute in prison for animal cruelty …
Yep. It’s true. I’ve never been in prison for animal cruelty. And neither has Vick, the man that the NFL has seen fit to reinstate.
Of course, the commonalities end there. I’m a decent human being.
Some people think Vick did his time for “dogfighting” but I don’t know if they realize that the scope of his actions went a little beyond that.
In the words of one woman who responded to Vick’s property to assess and help 47 dogs:
The details that got to me then and stay with me today involve the swimming pool that was used to kill some of the dogs. Jumper cables were clipped onto the ears of under performing dogs, then, just like with a car, the cables were connected to the terminals of car batteries before lifting and tossing the shamed dogs into the water. Most of Vick’s dogs were small – 40 lbs or so – so tossing them in would’ve been fast and easy work for thick athlete arms. We don’t know how many suffered this premeditated murder, but the damage to the pool walls tells a story. It seems that while they were scrambling to escape, they scratched and clawed at the pool liner and bit at the dented aluminum sides like a hungry dog on a tin can.
Wow. That is fucking gruesome.
According to eye-witness testimony, Vick laughed as he watched pets being mauled by animals from his “Bad Newz Kennels”:
The witness said Vick and co-defendants Purnell Peace and Quanis Phillips “thought it was funny to watch the pit bull dogs belonging to Bad Newz Kennels injure or kill the other dogs.”
It is true that Vick served 18 months in prison, but that was for “bankrolling a dogfighting conspiracy,” not animal cruelty. Charges of animal cruelty were dropped in exchange for a plea bargain.
Now he’s back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles where he’s seen play time in five games so far this season.
Meanwhile, it was reported on October 9th by the Washington Post that BET has picked up the rights to a reality TV show scheduled for 2010 that will document the “trials and tribulations” of Vick. BET won’t say how much Vick is to be paid, but he is listed as one of the executive producers of the series.
BET hopes the series “will give viewers a glimpse of how he is rebuilding his life and moving forward as a human being and not just another sports figure.”
I just decided to boycott the NFL and BET. I’m sure they’ll miss me.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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