Tag Archives: beauty

Hey, Gorgeous. You’re Beautiful!

hotdog

Somebody asked to see me? That really makes my mustard a go-go.

Ah, the online world of the internets. A place of unspeakable and (almost) unimaginable evil.

It’s a land where 14-year-old children use the latest and greatest state-of-the-art technology to play mind games in the hopes their contemporaries will – quite literally – kill themselves. It quickly goes downhill from there.

Need a place to post your latest rape video? Check. The internet has got your back.

I’m deliberately leaving out the really nasty stuff. In short, technology lead to a life of ease with record leisure time which we promptly filled up with shitty behavior towards each other. Welcome to the Shit Age, the unpredicted successor to the Information Age.

On the bright side, though, there can be positive, fun moments, too. Like when you create your online persona, upload a real picture of yourself, then some stranger says, “Holy fuck, you are one hot bitch!” and emails you a picture of his penis. (Or so I’ve heard. I’ve never personally experienced that form of an internet “compliment.”)

Ah, internet. I see what you did there. You even ruined the so-called nice stuff. Well played.

In a place like this, a compliment on your avatar might seem like a refreshing change of pace. It might feel like a beacon of light in a sewer-sludge trash compactor of darkness and evil.

But is it really?
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A Woman’s Story: An Open Letter from a ‘Fat Chick’ to Mike Jeffries, CEO of Abercrombie And Fitch

I’ve never purchased anything from Abercrombie & Fitch in my entire life. Suddenly that fact pleases me greatly.

LadyRomp

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Amy Taylor

Director of Content and Community Strategy, Geben Communication

I remember the moment as though it were yesterday (which is saying a lot, because it was nearly two decades ago…) Last week of 8th grade. One of the “popular girls” walked over to me in gym class and asked if she could write in my yearbook. When she handed my book back, I excitedly turned the cover, only to discover that she had written (in beautiful penmanship) the following:

Have a great summer. Stay thin.

Except the word “thin” had been crossed out with a single line.

I have always struggled with my weight. Big-boned. Plus-size. Thick. Curvy. Voluptuous. Padded. Pick your adjective. Over the years I learned to deal with it in different ways. I learned to ignore it. Compensate for it. Deny it. Dress it up. Cover it over. Like everyone who struggles with something physical, I…

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Turds of a Feather

Credit: Some asshole with an iPod.

Credit: Some asshole with an iPod.

Did you notice? Yesterday I didn’t try to pull any of that April Fool’s Day crap on you. I respected you as a person. That simple act of mature restraint elevated me above the likes of Google and the makers of Minecraft. For hate’s sake I claim the higher ground.

The higher ground is mine! Neener, neener, neener. In yo face!

And now I’ve lost it again. Excuse me a moment while I crawl back under the bottom of this barrel here. Ah, there’s no place like home.

Feather Flags: Empirical proof that capitalistic greed grabs take far more precedence than the visual appearance of a community.
–Tom B. Taker

Why not make an entire community look like the inner ring of a toilet when it can make a few assholes a few extra bucks, right?

I give you the humble feather flag (genus flapus fuckus).
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What’s that poop you’re wearing?

Mr Poop CandySomewhere between love and madness and the toilet … lies Surplus. Love … madness … poop. It’s my secret.

What possesses me? I’ll never know. So there I was, punching the word “poop” into Google and looking for the latest news.

Watch Jersey Shore’s Season in Poop.” Yeah, yeah. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Eh? Wait one. What’s this??? From the Beauty & Style section, no less. “Man Makes Perfume Out of Poop & Holy S**t, It’s Selling.

Ewwwww! De toilette???

You silly humans! Even now, at the end, you can still surprise me! LOL! Stop it. No, seriously. Stop it.

The gist of the story is this: An “artist” (I love putting that word in quotes) has produces 85 bottles of something he calls “perfume” that have been crafted from his own private business, if you know what I’m saying.

And it’s only $85 a bottle. And he calls it Surplus.

What’s his secret, besides finding a way to grab at his 15 minutes of notoriety? Does he have the poopy Midas touch? Did he somehow figure out a way to make poop smell good?

Erm, no. The point is supposed to be the opposite. You know how perfume can be used to cover up bad smells with something nice?

The point of Surplus is to cover your good smells with something bad. I shit you not. (Oops. That might be the slogan for Surplus.)

Intrigued? Learn more and see a advertisement here.

Come to find out I’ve been doing it all wrong. Every morning I wake up and go through this damn annoying routine so I don’t smell bad. I take a shower. I rub soap on my body. I wash my hair. I rub deodorant into my armpits. I brush my teeth. Oh sure, I still smell bed, but at least I friggin’ try.

Instead I could just roll out of bed, dab a little Surplus behind each ear, and head out the door to take on the day. I’ve got to admit, that would be a real time saver!

Artist web site: Jammie Nicholas

My total beauty makeover at myLifetime.com

As of tonight I have an account on myLifetime.com. Look me up! My username is shoutabyss.

Here is my first creation. I call it “Feelin’ Catty.”

In other news, I’m chewin’ my nails down to nothing waiting for the return of glam lawyer Jane Bingham. How much longer do I have to wait?!?

I have a low brow question

Psst! Hey you! Over here. I have a question.

Where did all the female eyebrows go?

I was looking at this interesting and highly entertaining blog today (specifically this post) that had some photographs of women. I think it was about dying your hair blonde. I mean no disrespect to the women featured on that blog, they are very beautiful, but as I looked at the photos something leaped out at me. Something that has been troubling me for a long, long time.

Where did all the female eyebrows go?

Maybe I’m the world’s biggest dumb ass (no doubt) but I’m confused. I’ve heard about “plucking” your eyebrows. And I know you can “trim” them, something I do often to avoid looking too much like Andy Rooney.

But it seems to me that some women are completely removing their eyebrows? And then what happens? They paint or use makeup to create new fake ones? Is that how it works?

I’m seriously confused here. Is that what is actually taking place?

To research this further I went to look up one of the hottest looking women I’ve ever seen: Mona Lisa. (Almost as beautiful as my wife.) I loaded her picture and studied it closely. “Does she even have eyebrows at all,” I asked myself. I zoomed in for a closer look. “Wow. It sure doesn’t look like it.”

As a matter of fact, it turns out she doesn’t.

Mona Lisa has no visible facial hair—including eyebrows and eyelashes. Some researchers claim that it was common at this time for genteel women to pluck them out, since they were considered to be unsightly. In 2007, French engineer Pascal Cotte announced that his ultra high resolution scans of the painting provide evidence that Mona Lisa was originally painted with eyelashes and eyebrows, but that these had gradually disappeared over time, perhaps as a result of overcleaning. For modern viewers the missing eyebrows add to the slightly semi-abstract quality of the face. (Source.)

Interesting. I like learning something new every day. 🙂

I just want to go on record in favor of something I like to call “natural beauty.” I don’t think it looks good or fashionable to remove your eyebrows completely then paint them back on, often in a different location or in a different way. “Say what? Your eyebrows moved???”

I guess the larger question is: Why does fashion seem to be so counterintuitive to common sense? Why can’t we just have natural looking eyebrows and so forth?

I’m sorry to be low brow but I don’t care for no brow. Not at all, no how.