Tag Archives: beans

Priced as marked

price“This post doesn’t have a price tag? It must be free, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

In response, the Abyssian customer service associate doesn’t lose his shit and calmly points at the the wall. “Clearly you did not see our sign.” It reads:

“The next customer to crack the ‘it must be free’ joke on an unmarked item will be stabbed in the eye. Thank you for shopping Abyss Inc.”
–Our humorous sign (patent pending)

And no, this post is not free. By reading this far, per our implied EULA buried on some other page you’ve never visited, you already owe me $2.99. I’d immediately quit reading if I were you.
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Coffee, Human Butts, and Greed Math

civetWe went to the trendy new fancy grocery store that opened in our neighborhood this week. We had received a coupon in the mail.

Buy one 12-ounce bag of our “Fedora Blend” and get one free.

Oh, what the hell. We stopped by on opening night.

Recap: We all know what a 12-ounce bag means, right? Deception. Price games. Trying to fuck the consumer. Price concealment. Gee, how do I opt in? I’m a buyer and I don’t want to beware!

So how much was the 12-ounce bag of coffee normally priced? $14 a bag.

With the coupon that made each bag $7 each. I did the math. That’s $9.33 a pound with the coupon. So what’s the normal price? $18.67 a pound. Fuck you.
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BlogFestivus – Day Eight: The Reindeer Before Easter

blogfestivus-20122The Reindeer Before Easter
by Tom B. Taker

Blixem was melancholy. Another winter and it was the same old thing. A whole year of preparing for one crazy night. He was in a rut deep enough to hang Christmas stockings. He wandered aimlessly away from Christmas Town followed by his pet, Hooman.

He trudged all night without purpose through the snow until he found himself in a forest. Then, at dawn, he stumbled into a strange grove of trees. They were arranged in a circle and each contained a door with a mysterious symbol.

“What’s this?” Blixen said. “It’s someplace new!”
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Top 10 Coffee Mistakes

Click for Source: seanbonner (Flickr)

Coffee is made in the morning. At least it is in my house you friggin’ crazy idiots. And, being morning and all, we’re not exactly playing our best game. Not quite using all of ye olde “bean,” if you get my drift.

So here are ten early morning coffee mistakes that are common in the Taker household.
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The Friday Edition of Why So Serious?

My blog has been remarkably serious of late, with my moral outrage oozing out like an open sore. That can only mean one thing:

It’s Friday and it’s time to get feckless and fancy free!

In times like these, I like to turn to poop.

The case of the pooping cat

The owner of Duke the Cat, an 11-year-old-longhair, was bought to a Seattle court. The allegation: Damages caused by poop.

Duke was described by the victim in the case as “the smartest cat that I’ve ever seen.”

Duke’s owner was fined $109.

Due to Duke’s relentless pooping, the victim claimed that workers remodeling his dilapidated home into a duplex were “sickened from the stink.”

“He was a fast pooper,” the victim alleged.

The victim testified that he never actually caught Duke in the act, but that he had seen Duke fleeing the scene “at least 25 times” over a two-year period, leaving behind evidence that he described as “a warm, steaming pile,” so he could only come to one conclusion.

Source: Miami Herald

Earthworm Poop Wrinkle Cream Touted as Hollywood Beauty Secret on The Doctors TV Show

What’s better than poop-related products you can actually eat? (Think coffee beans that have been on Mr. Toad Stool’s wild ride through an Asian Palm Civet.)

How about poop you can rub on your face? Yes, I think that could very well be the next best thing!

A product called “Wrinkle Butter” made from the poop of earthworms is touted in a press release is being promoted as a way to “reverse the aging process” of skin. The product is featured in a segment (heh!) on The Doctor’s television show.

The press release prefers the euphemism “castings” rather than the more pedestrian term of “poop.” Earthworm castings, it claims, have no “poop smell” and contain many of the anti-aging compounds found in expensive “serums and creams.”

“At least a dozen A-list celebrities” are said to be using the product, although the press release refuses to name names. The product is said to be a “big seller with the Hollywood crowd.”

I can’t begin to guess which folks from Hollyweird are smearing poop on their faces, but I can guess why they call it “Wrinkle” butter. We all know where poop comes from, right?

Robot runs on organic fuel and poops out the waste

If we know one thing about humans, it’s that we want our electronics to eat food and generate poop. No word yet if we also have the technology for it to burp and fart, too.

Meet Ecobot-III, the robot that eats food (organic matter) and poops out his own waste. If that isn’t the ultimate in modern convenience I don’t know what is!

Ecobot isn’t quite as discerning about what constitutes “food” as us humans. The little fellow can eat food and water from its environment, and can even, if you let it, consume human feces as a tasty entree.

I almost have no words, but I can summon the force of will to say this much: These robot designers are ingenious.

Source: Slashgear.com

Panda Tea says, “Coffee can’t have all the fun!”

When it comes to coffee, a straight line is not always the best route between two points. As I mentioned above, some folks think letting an animal eat coffee beans and poop them out is a grand way to make a cup.

Now tea comes along as said, “Wait one! I deserve some poop, too!”

A calligraphy instructor has formulated a plan to grow tea that has been fertilized with panda poop. I think this is brilliant. It comes the two most crucial ingredients of success in any tea-growing operation: A thorough knowledge of calligraphy and the fact that pandas are cute. Really cute. So cute, in fact, that their poop suddenly takes an otherwise mundane operation and kicks it up to a whole new level.

The wise entrepreneur recently bought 11 tons of the panda poop from a panda breeding center. His first batch of tea fertilized with the poop is estimated to be worth priced at $77,000 (USD) per kilo (2.2 pounds).

You heard it here first. Poop pays!! Watch your back, coffee.

Source: Technabob.com