Lard Fail
Out in the street in front of our drive was a sawhorse festooned with a garish sign and, get this, a festive baby blue helium balloon dancing playfully in the air.
My wife knows how to throw a party.
“A balloon,” I said. “Where the hell did you get a helium balloon?”
“At the dollar store.”
“Huh. How much did it cost?”
Dripping with more sweat than Mike Rowe driving a Ford Truck, I had just muscled tons of our most useless crap out on the front lawn. My normally well-oiled brain wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders.
Weird how it was that moment the heavens decided to deluge our asses and stuff. I welled up with despair as I watched the rain beating down against that little helium balloon. I’m proud to say it didn’t fight back much. Soon it lay there, on the ground, like a fresh chunk of roadkill.
It wasn’t a winner, but I knew how to handle that. I dashed out in the rain and pinned it with a “participant” ribbon taken from my trophy collection. It popped and was gone for good.
Our “yard sale” was officially underway.
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Octomom
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This just in from the We Won’t Let This Die news desk…
Octomom news!
I always knew that Nadya Suleman had undergone fertility treatments of some sort, but I never bothered to learn more. The “treatment” consisted of implantation of 12 embryos. The doctor who performed the procedure recently had his license revoked. A medical board in California found that he failed to terminate “excess fetuses*.”
The license revocation goes into effect on July 1st. I find that interesting. If he was “negligent” why not revoke it effective immediately? I guess that gives him the courtesy of performing a few more treatments for some very lucky mommies to be during his going out of business promotion. Act fast! This is a limited time offer.
Meanwhile, Octomom faces the foreclosure of her California home. Nadya has come up with a brilliant plan to raise the funds needed: Bikini car wash! She’ll charge $20 to $30 per wash, but SUVs may cost extra. The event will take place June 18th.
Sure, you’re saying, “Sign me up.” But wait, there’s more.
Other celebs will lend a hand to the sudsy fund raiser including reality has-been Tila Tequila and Capri Anderson, the porn-star friend of Charlie Sheen.
Nadya, facing eviction from her home, hopes to raise enough money to make a missed balloon payment of $450,000.
Personally I feel the bikini wash is far superior to the normal attire car wash. That’s the special kind of clean that your gasoline-power combustion engine vehicle really deserves.
* Shameless self-promotion: The Excess Fetuses is the name of my new rock band.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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