Holiday: Coffee Comparisons
Buying some joe as a last-minute holiday gift for uncle Java? This handy holiday pricing comparison guide may be of value.
- Jungle Booty, one pound bag: $12.00
- Oils Well That Grounds Well, one pound bag: $9.00
Recommendation: Oils Well is the better value.
- Orbital Scapes, 1 pound bag: $12.00
- Organic Animal Poops, 12 ounce bag: $12.00
- Rainforest Tops, 250 grams bag: $12.00
Note: 250 grams equates to approx. 8.81849 ounces. Oh, look! They found another way to say “smaller than 12 ounces.” How very clever.
Ah, this scenario is a bit more tricky. Which is the best value? We better calculate to a standardized unit of measurement like Price Per Pound (PPP). Some retailers are now using a new common unit of measurement (called “the bag”) that they hope you will swallow hook, line and sinker.
Table of Standardized Prices
Orbital Scapes: $12.00 per pound
Organic Animal Poops: $16.00 per pound
Rainforest Canopy: $21.77 per pound (translates loosely as “fuck you”)
Recommendation: Avoid all coffee sold using metric measurements. Evar!
A Snot Across The Bow
I’ve always had the ability to sniff out Danger. Let me tell you, it does not smell good. Why do things always have to end up like this?
My mission today is to discuss Weiner and address the elephant man in the room.
I’m going to be straight with you. I’m a dude, albeit a feminized one. So I asked myself, what’s the hubbub about this man all about? Something isn’t kosher!
When I look at the face of Anthony Weiner blood rushes away from my naughty bits and leaves me with a bit of a headache. His face actually causes shrinkage.
Am I missing something? Not to put too fine of a point on it, but the Weiner is completely unattractive. I ask myself, if I woke up in the morning and found him laying on my body, what would I do? I’m forced to admit I would chew off my own arm just to get away. Trust me on this, not many humans meet that standard.
“Weiner” and “wiener” are two different things. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never mix them up.
–Tom B. Taker
We call it “fugly.”
Unattractive. Unbeautiful. Man Medusa. Unseemly. Repelling. Unsightly.
So what is it? What’s the attraction? Does he have the heart of poet? A horny poet? Does he understand women to such a degree that it turns them on? Does he hot chat better than the author of 50 Shades of Grey?
Or is it merely the money? Power? Celebrity? Is it all about the unquenchable lust for 15 minutes of shame? Is this what we have come to? That life is the ultimate substitute for reality TV like the game of Survivor?
I don’t get it. Luckily I keep an airsickness bag handy for times like these.
Warning: This post contains math. This is not a drill. For those not mathematically inclined you now have sufficient grounds (meh!) to leave us…
To do math, first we’ll need some coffee. To drink that coffee, we’ll need a vessel of some sort. Perhaps a mug.
Ah. I just burned my face. Now we’re ready for some coffee math!
Today’s lesson is that things are not always as they seem. For example, look at that beautiful assortment of bags of pre-ground coffee on the shelf. Wonderful, ain’t it?
How much are they? $7.99 a bag? $8.99 a bag? $9.95 a bag? $12.95 a bag? According to the Walmart.com website, a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee (in my experience one of the most expensive) is $7.28 per bag. You’ll even get free shipping if you order $45 worth (or other stuff).
Most of the bags of coffee you see, including this bag of Dunkin’ Donuts, are 12-ounces in size. Wait? What?
Personally I think it is to make apples-to-apples comparisons in pounds more difficult. So how much is that bag of coffee per pound?
First, we calculate the price per ounce. Since “per” is another way of saying “divide by” the formula is simple:
Price ($7.28) per Ounce (12)
$7.28 divided by 12
Answer: $0.61 (61 cents per ounce)
Next, we multiply the cost per ounce by the number of ounces in a pound (16).
$0.61 cost per ounce * 16 ounces in a pound
Aha! That coffee costs $9.71 per pound.
Why? Wouldn’t one-pound bags make a lot more logical sense? Since that’s a unit we already know and love? A unit that we’ve been raised with since the moment of our birth?
Perhaps I’m just in a black mood, but I think they like 12-ounce sizing because it makes the consumer feel the price is lower. “It’s only $7.28 a bag,” we are wont to say.
“$9.71 per pound” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. All of the sudden we’re talking upwards of a $10 note. Yikes. Consumer no buy-buy. Game over.
My wife just brought home a bag of coffee from a local shop. And guess what? It was in a one-pound bag and only $8. Now that’s refreshing. Sorry, Walmart. Your price sounds lower but it isn’t*.
* Disclaimer: Identical brands of coffee were not compared.
Bag of Crap
I just saw something called “A Bag of Crap” for sale over on Woot.com. Then their web server crashed because too many people were trying to buy this highly desirable item at the same time.
In lieu of typical product sales, Woot occasionally offers a blind grab bag officially called “Random Crap.” While today its accompanying picture of a paper lunch bag with a question mark has kept its unofficial name “Bag of Crap,” (BOC) it was originally dubbed “Bag of Crap” during the early years of the site when a physical bag of some kind (notebook, iomega zipper bags, etc.) was sold with the 1-3 “craps” and was part of what you were buying. Today, the BOC contains at least three “crappy” items and one bag whose value and quality are not guaranteed, but sometimes expensive items are included. The BOC typically triggers millions of order requests and sells out within seconds, causing server lag and usually a crash. During the January 25, 2011 selling, the website received a record 3.1 million requests, and the product was sold out within eight seconds.
During April Fools Day 2011, Woot staged a “Bag of Crap” flash game, which users were instructed to play in order to win the privilege of buying Bags of Crap. On April 1, 2011, eight thousand Bags of Crap were sold. Later in the day, once the Bag of Crap selling period was over, a Woot admin said that there were over seven million attempts to get the Bags of Crap.
I gotta get me some of that.
Goodness gracious, great galls of gyre!
For some reason, “G” was a real bitch. Oh sure, I considered writing about Greta Garbo. I considered “guillotine” but that word will figure quite prominently in “S” so it will have to wait.
I had a couple of other fleeting ideas, but they were not able to attach themselves to functional brain cells, so they are gone. For good. Maybe the title of this post should have been “Gone for Good.” Oh well.
Now it’s less than 90 minutes before I have to go to work and I’m staring at a blank form on my “new post” page. Arrrgh!
So there I was in bed, unable to sleep, so of course I was thinking, “What will I do for the ‘G’ post? Is ‘gyre’ even a word? If I played it in Scrabble I bet I’d get challenged!”
I knew I’d heard the word before. The internet provided the answer:
A gyre in oceanography is any large system of rotating ocean currents, particularly those involved with large wind movements. Gyres are caused by the Coriolis Effect; planetary vorticity along with horizontal and vertical friction, which determine the circulation patterns from the wind curl (torque). The term gyre can be used to refer to any type of vortex in the air or the sea, even one that is man-made, but it is most commonly used in oceanography, to refer to the major ocean systems. (Wikipedia.)
Oh yes! Now I remember. Isn’t that interesting? Eh, no? Perhaps we can add a little human drama that makes it more compelling.
The northern Pacific Ocean is the location of the North Pacific Gyre, one of the five major oceanic gyres. Besides that interesting factoid, it has another, more remarkable characteristic. It is also home to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
Estimated to cover an area approx. twice the size of Texas, The Patch is the site of an unusually intense collection of man-made marine debris.
The Patch is characterized by exceptionally high concentrations of pelagic plastics, chemical sludge, and other debris that have been trapped by the currents of the North Pacific Gyre. The Patch is characterized by exceptionally high concentrations of pelagic plastics, chemical sludge, and other debris that have been trapped by the currents of the North Pacific Gyre.
It is estimated that the source of pollution which ends up in The Patch comes from land-based and ship-based sources. For example, “a typical 3,000 passenger cruise ship produces over eight tons of solid waste weekly, a major amount of which ends up in the patch, as most of the waste is organic.” Also, pollutants from the west coast of the United States can reach The Patch in about six years while pollution from the east coast of Asia can take one year or less.
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch has one of the highest levels known of plastic particulate suspended in the upper water column. As a result, it is one of several oceanic regions where researchers have studied the effects and impact of plastic photodegradation in the neustonic layer of water. Unlike debris, which biodegrades, the photodegraded plastic disintegrates into ever smaller pieces while remaining a polymer. This process continues down to the molecular level.
As the plastic flotsam photodegrades into smaller and smaller pieces, it concentrates in the upper water column. As it disintegrates, the plastic ultimately becomes small enough to be ingested by aquatic organisms which reside near the ocean’s surface. Plastic waste thus enters the food chain through its concentration in the neuston.
Some plastics decompose within a year of entering the water, leaching potentially toxic chemicals such as bisphenol A, PCBs and derivatives of polystyrene.
And, in a bit of planetary karma:
Some of these long-lasting plastics end up in the stomachs of marine birds and animals, and their young, including sea turtles and the Black-footed Albatross. Besides the particles’ danger to wildlife, the floating debris can absorb organic pollutants from seawater, including PCBs, DDT, and PAHs. Aside from toxic effects, when ingested, some of these are mistaken by the endocrine system as estradiol, causing hormone disruption in the affected animal. These toxin-containing plastic pieces are also eaten by jellyfish, which are then eaten by larger fish. Many of these fish are then consumed by humans, resulting in their ingestion of toxic chemicals. Marine plastics also facilitate the spread of invasive species that attach to floating plastic in one region and drift long distances to colonize other ecosystems.
Pollution from The Patch is estimated to impact at least 267 species worldwide.
This is my “G” post for the April 2011 “A to Z Blogging Challenge.”
Hit that milestone
Just a short FYI. Someone walked along yesterday and noticed my humble little blog. I thought their reaction was interesting.
“Boil that dust speck, boil that dust speck!”
So, yeah. Yesterday the blog hit 30,000 “views” as reported by WordPress stats. Whatever a “view” means.
Unfortunately WordPress stats are still not advanced enough to report the number of times my blog has induced vomit.
Maybe I should celebrate with one of those fancy poll things. Which is worse? Visiting the Shouts from the Abyss blog or stepping in poop? Show your work.
Either way, those of you who bravely grab your barf bags and come visit have my thanks. Without you I’d be one damn lonely negativity expert.
Speaking of which, who would have ever suspected my blog was so “luxurious.” Yep, you read that right. I just saw a book (on my damn bookshelf as it turns out) entitled, “You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought.” In other words, negativity is a luxury item! Woot! I knew I was on the right track. I have to say it is rather nice when the universe gives you that kind of positive feedback.
No doubt things are looking up for me! 🙂