Tag Archives: bad people

Flash Friction: The Ever Probing Universe

The Universe couldn't be here to accept this award so Space Donut accepts on its behalf. Where have you been hiding, Space Donut? Long time no see!

We modern humans have a lot to remember lest we get fucked. Turn off the coffee pot. Make sure all the doors and windows are locked. Don’t forget to pour a cup of that coffee you made before leaving for work. (Trust me on this one. It sucks to make a pot, arrive at work, then say, “Hey, motherfuck! Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole is my coffee?” That is one of the worst feelings in the world.)

Got a cold and you forgot your snot pills at home?

Lock the keys in the car?

Forget to pay a bill and now your internet is turned off?

Make a $2 error on your checking account and the bank where you’ve done business for the last ten years is more than happy to run everything through and charge you a grand total of $480 for the mistake?

Fail to pass on an important message and now you’re shit scum?

Sit on your eyeglasses?

Bump your iThing and it lands on the hard concrete in just the right way to smash into a zillion pieces and never work again?

Forget to feed and/or water the cats? Or forget to empty the litter box?

The point is this: We’re in a hurry. We’re under pressure. We’ve got a lot on our minds. And if you ever fuck up and forget one tiny little detail, the Universe will roar right up at you and tap you on the shoulder with a sledgehammer and say, “Got you, motherfucker!”

I found out the other day our kitchen window had been left unlocked. Probably for a couple of years.

This morning, my wife went to go to work. Suddenly I heard her screaming my name. Apparently after we went grocery shopping yesterday we failed to lock the car. It was sitting in our driveway unlocked.

Cue the Universe. “I’ll take it from here, ma’am.”

Her car had been completely ransacked. The glove box was open and everything had been strewn about. Papers, garbage and stuff covered both floorboards and front seats. Someone had gone through the car looking for valuables. And failed to clean up after themselves.

Thankfully, as far as we know, there was nothing valuable in there.

As far as the Universe is concerned, this was just a love tap. Under the visor was a remote to our garage door. With trepidation we opened the door to take a look. What a relief. My mountain bike was still there. Nothing seemed to be missing. Of course, from the garage the miscreants could have walked right into our home while we were asleep.

Apparently the Universe wasn’t interested in totally shitting on us. This time. Perhaps it was just doing us a favor by giving us a little reminder to remain even more vigilant. I mean, if you’re not thinking about bad stuff and protecting yourself 24/7 then you’re not living the good life yet, right?

We live in a nice subdivision. It’s a newer part of town. The houses here are all less than four years old. Even so, packs of wild animals known as Unsupervised Teens constantly roam the streets. (These are the younglings of species Assholius Parentus.) We find garbage in the gutter and cigarette butts way up our driveway. These kids eyeball you and act like they own the world. Yes, there is strength in numbers which is why Unsupervised Teen scum always travel in herds.

I guess they spend their evenings testing car doors to determine which are unlocked. It’s probably the only skill they really have.

I’m thinking what I’d really like to do is wire up the car to deliver a lethal shock. But, of course, the Universe would still be there to test my vigilance, right? I’d forget that one little detail and end up zapping my own ass.

Thanks, Universe. Keep testing and probing to see what mistakes we’ve made. Never let us get away with anything. Keep us honest.

So how did I do? Was this an enjoyable piece of Flash Friction? Stay tuned because there will be more. Just as soon as I forget something else important, probably something involving my Congressman-organ and a zipper.

Updates about: Alert status and Facebook Safety

In my last post I had elevated Abyss Negativity Alert Status to “Game Over.” That is no joke. We are currently operating at 103% of maximum negativity capacity here in the Abyss. I shit you not.

Maximum negativity status is always a special time. It is an exciting time. I can often be heard to exclaim during times like this, “Vive la festival!”

Back in July of this year, I had also posted about how to be careful on the internet and with your Facebook. I recommend you check it out if you haven’t already. The post is entitled I’m sick of worrying about the bad people.

Apparently there are still some people out there who haven’t read my blog. (I know!) These unwitting fools fell victims to crooks who used Facebook to identify when their homes would be vacant so they could be burgled. I call the awesome power of technology helping people. Just like the way the Terminator does, too.


It’s that simple. If you want to blow off your narcissistic energies and yell, “Hey, internets! Look at me,” do it the smart way. Write about it after you get back! People will be just as happy to be bored by after the fact as they would before. (Trust me on this.)

Today’s heartwarming tale of goodness is inspired by something along these lines.

Police recently caught some burglars in New Hampshire who used Facebook status updates to find out when people would be gone and then burgle their houses. I bet these victims will think twice the next time they get the urge to shout to the internet ahead of time about their upcoming trip. (At least I hope they will.)

My wife and I recently took a three-day weekend for our anniversary and you can bet your ass Facebook and the blog knew absolutely nothing about it. Period. Bar none. I waited until we were back home before I wrote it. I’ll bet you all can still remember where you were and what you were doing when I finally broke silence about it.

So these burglars reportedly hit a whopping 18 homes (or more) and were caught by police with stolen property estimated to be worth $100,000 to $200,000 in value. Wow.

Here’s the obligatory “stupid dumb criminals” part of the story:

According to local police, investigators tracked down the burglars by listening for the sound of a specific kind of fireworks stolen from a home. When they heard it, they apprehended the suspects and their loot. (Source.)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is the best belly laugh I’ve had all day! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Edgar Allen Poe would probably call this something like “the dumb robbing the dumb.”

The moral of this story: Listen to Tom you should. Hmm! About your safety Tom cares. Hmmm! Negative he may be but cares he does. Hmmph! For you he writes his blog. Read more you will. Yes? Hmmm!!!*

*Celebrity voice impersonated.