Tag Archives: award

Shouts From The Abyss wins Hall of Fame

golden-poopMEDIA RELEASE

Shouts From The Abyss blog selected to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame

By Tom B. Taker
November 6, 2013

Abyssia City, The Abyss – After nauseating audiences continually since September, 2009, the Shouts From The Abyss (SFTA) blog is the 2013 selection to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame. This is the first nomination for the blog. This is the inaugural year for the Hall of Fame itself.

The selection committee, consisting solely of blogger Tom B. Taker, cast the deciding ballot for SFTA. The vote was unanimous.

Blog publisher, Tom B. Taker, was visibility shaken upon hearing the news. “You love me,” he said to himself. “You really love me.”

In a short ceremony in an undisclosed office/bedroom, Taker appeared in his underwear to accept the award. He was accompanied by two cats, El Guapo Picard Tutankhamun Taker and Tilly Taker.

Initially Taker refused the award, stating repeatedly, “I didn’t do it” and referred to his policy that prohibits acceptance of anything imported from Nigeria. He eventually capitulated, though, and proudly accepted the traditional Golden Poop of the Abyss. He then angrily yelled “get out” bringing the festivities to a close. No legitimate media attended the event.

A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame selection committee later announced that the program is being disbanded. Taker will be given 14 days to surrender the award.


Tom B. Taker, Media Relations
C/O Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame
1212 Sewertown Rd. Ste. SQRT(-1)
Office: Food Cart


Boom Shack-A-Lak Fireworks


Click for a blog explosion to delight the senses.

Stella! Another one of these damn awards jumped in front of my blog! Come out here! Help me take it in the house!

Well, I’ll be hornswoggled! I just won yet another award. We are now in danger of my trophy case generating a gravity field strong enough to implode upon itself and create a quantum singularity that sucks us all off. Oh, what the hell. I’m willing to risk it.

Today’s Blogging Fireworks Award comes to us from sunglasses model and long time bloggy friend Blogdramedy.

Someone told her once that the award exists “to honor the blogs that shock us, inspire us, touch us, or make us laugh.” And she fell for it!

You’re all invited to the After Party. Of course, here in the Abyss, we take the word “after” rather literally, if you know what I mean. So don’t be late for this date with destiny!

Note: This paragraph will end with an exclamation point. No real reason, really. I just want to do that three times in a row!

Now it is my solemn duty, as prescribed the official award rules, to tell you five “meaningful” things about myself and pay it forward to five other bloggers. Oh yes, you’ll very much want to stay tuned for that.
Continue reading →

Douchebag Assholery of 2011


Today, on the first day of a new year, I know some people celebrate by going all couch potato and shit and watching the New Year’s Day Twilight Zone marathon. (It’s only 45 hours long so do try to squeeze it in if you can.)

Me? I like to be different. I like to be special.

While researching for the biggest douchebags and/or assholes of 2011 I stumbled happenstance on a whole new art form of entertainment to meet my holiday TV marathoning needs.

But first, a few thoughts about the research. In my quest for the biggest douchebags and assholes of 2011 I had to establish some rules. For example, outright criminal behavior doesn’t count. That stuff is on a whole other level. That leaves people like scumbag Jerry Sandusky off the list.

Douchebaggery is more about bad form and poor taste. It’s about being an ass or a jerk.
Continue reading →

Winners get the Creative Blog Award

Oh crap. 🙂

Ye olde humble blog has been recognized with another award. This time it’s the Creative Blog Award and was thoughtfully issued by Deirdra Coppel from Knightess.com.

Since it is now obvious that her judgment must be seriously impaired, as evidenced by the aforementioned award, I urge everyone to visit her wonderful site. It’s a “story book world” filled with dungeons, dragons, sword fighting, heroes, and a handsome prince.

For some reason, she doesn’t mention a princess, but we all know that’s the most important part of any real kingdom.

Perhaps it was my “story book” posting about my time spent In the Service of the King that caught her eye? Yes, that must be it. That post tells the tale of a strapping young lad on a quest to lay a feast on the King’s table. It’s a heartwarming story about how the world works. A perfect post for a story book land, methinks.

That post, incidentally, was also the first time I ever proudly introduced the coat of arms for the noble family line of the House of Gristle. And, according to Ancestry.com, my last name literally translates to “servant.” Isn’t that fitting?

Hmm. I’m not so sure. Was it my fable about the King’s table or my family coat of arms that won me this award? Either way, I offer a most humble and heartfelt thanks.

I urge everyone to check out Deirdra’s story book world. It seems very much like a fascinating place. I’ll even consider relocating there permanently, but only if there is someone suitable for me to serve. Perhaps there will be a slothful, gluttonous, and greedy merchant who peddles his wares on the internet just for me?

Long live the King! Without him the servant is nothing. (And thanks for the award!)

Maybe They Meant ‘Child-ish’

The special Oxymoron Edition given to your humble tour guide of negativity

There’s no easy way to say this.

Someone at the universe fucked up. A few days ago, somehow, the award above was routed to the Abyss.


Hmm. Odd. Perhaps I’m finally getting some recognition for my public service announcements that claim “wrinkles are the new cool.”

The award was granted by Hippie Cahier, a real blogger who brings a commitment to entertainment each and every time she bolts out of the gate. Unlike me, she’s an entertainer.

Of course, every silver lining must also bring a cloud. In this case, the curse (at least for you) is that by receiving this award, I am compelled to say seven things about myself. I won’t lie. This is going to hurt.

Seven things about Tom B. Taker

  1. There is something secret hidden in my name. Can you find it?
  2. I like Awesometown. Can you guess which one of the stars is my favorite?
  3. I’m halfway done writing my opus, The Funeral of Tom B. Taker. It’s almost like the characters are telling me the story. I can’t wait to see how it ends.
  4. I am the Supreme Ruler of the space-time continuum. I challenged God to a duel and he didn’t show up for the match so I won by default.
  5. I once took a can of Spam® into a Round Table and had them cook it on my pizza. And the bastards really did it.
  6. I once memorized pi to 100 decimal places. True story. There was a poster showing the digits hanging in the computer lab. It was either that or go meet girls. These days, though, I only know it to 14 decimal places. Sad. So much knowledge lost.
  7. I write all of my own jokes. (Except for the ones I steal.)
  8. BONUS: I recently participated in National No Bra Day.

The award has another clause. You have to pass it along or you’ll be made ugly and have no friends. Shit! I’m too late. What the hell, I’ll do it anyway. You have been warned. (I think you know who you are.)

The Golden Poo award: Post of the Year 2010

The wife got to have her fun. Now it’s my turn.

In a new tradition here in the Abyss, I decided I wanted to highlight my favorite Post of the Year for 2010. Because of my wife’s prodigious use of the word “ego” in the previous post, I decided to select only one post.

I knew the award had to be gold. I knew it had to be poop. What I didn’t know was that the internet would have exactly what I had envisioned.

Maybe my thinking isn’t quite as original as I like to believe?

And the 2010 Golden Poo for the best original post shat from the Abyss in a screenplay, adaptation or blog goes to…

Post: In the service of the King
Originally posted on January 5, 2010

This has got to be one of the most favorite things I’ve ever written. I just love it if I do say so myself. (And I don’t mind if I do.) I even created the photoshop to come up my family’s very own coat of arms. Interestingly, the meaning behind the fictional name of “Gristle” isn’t too far from the real truth! I’m so happy to be carrying on with a proud family tradition.

I think this post represents the peak of this particular blog and it has all been downhill ever since.

Long live The Golden Poo!


Thank you, Teri!

Due to circumstances beyond my control, mainly an overabundance of niceness, I have won another award. I sincerely apologize for this. 🙂

The panda award for Super Comments was given to me by Teri over at Teri’s Blip in the Universe. Thanks, Teri! Do you think we should start a donation button to get her head examined? 🙂

My reward for winning this prize is that I get to torment you, my unwitting victims. This torment will deliciously take the form of ten questions that start now.

There will be no escape for you this time!

1. Why do you blog?

Honestly, I have to say it is pure narcissism. I get accused of that often. I mean, what’s so wrong about running around yelling, “look at me, look at me!” all the time? If you find me genuinely interesting, that’s great. If not, I’ll take that, too. Perhaps you look because of the exact same instinct that causes people to look at train wrecks. Perhaps I’m too pathetic and disgusting to look away. Whatever. I’ll take it. Whatever dysfunction that brought you here, just remember to keep your eye on the ball.

I don’t want to sound arrogant, but I’m too fascinating and humorous to keep quiet, you know? That would be deprivation on a planetary scale.

My mission (if you’ll allow usage of that outrageous word) is to bring negativity to the masses. As a guru, I am driven to help harness that powerful force for the benefit of all.

In the Real World I successfully gained readership and that was satisfying for a while. I began to wonder, though, if I could do it again relying solely on my skills with a lightsaber the written word. To do it while remaining completely and utterly anonymous. It has been, in some ways, much more challenging. Yet each success is much more thrilling.

And, I’ll be honest. I’ve met some truly wonderful people that I cherish. That was unexpected. Don’t worry about the mushiness of this paragraph. You won’t remember it later (after seeing a flash of light) and my reputation will remain unblemished.

2. What was your favorite age to be and why?

No surprises here, really. Jurassic wins this category, hands down. That’s when dinosaurs were dinosaurs and men were merely hairy. No other age stands a chance. Well, maybe Bronze. That was a pretty cool age, too. The hell with Industrial, though. I’m still mad about that one.

One second. I’ve just been informed that I may have misunderstood this question. Doubtful, but for the purists out there, please allow me the luxury of a bit of a revision here.

Damn hard question, actually. I’d have to say 18. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. In the best column I guess I’d have to say that learning my sexual orientation really ranks up there. I’d also just gotten out of basic training in the U.S. Army and I was a lean, mean, fighting machine and I had been given the skills and training to kill with my bare hands by Uncle Sam. I didn’t realize it at the time but those were some of the best days of my life. The only real negative of that same age was having my heart ripped out, folded, spindled and mutilated. Like I said, the best and worst of times.

3. What’s your favorite sport to play?

Yours truly when vacationing in Azeroth a long, long time ago.

Ah. An easy one. That’s the Rogue for sure. You know what they say, right? Rogues do it from behind!

There’s a picture of me to the left. I even have a kitty cat on my guild tabard!

Just think about it. They get stealth. They can use poison. They can inflict some hella DPS. They can also detect traps, pick locks and open boxes.

My first character was a priest, an evil one of course, and I made a lot of great memories with him. He’ll always have a special place in my heart.

My Blood Elf death knight was also fun, too. I maxed him out in Engineering and could even make the Mechano-hog, something I only got to do a single time. I also made him a flying carpet which freaked people out a bit. You know, that’s rather unusual for a death knight. 🙂

Yes, I know. I’m playing fast and loose with my definition of the word “sport.” Deal with it.

4. What’s your favorite sport to watch, and who’s your favorite team?

As I get older I find myself caring less and less about two things in particular: sports and fiction. And yes, I have lumped them together quite intentionally.

When I cared, I had a penchant for two loser teams, both from San Diego. The Chargers and The Padres. The Chargers made it to the Super Bowl once and sucked badly. The Padres made it to the World Series twice where they won a grand total of one game. Ever. (Also known as sucking badly.) Both teams have no real commitment to winning. Yet they are my teams. I mainly remember the glory days of yesteryear and would be hard-pressed to name anyone currently on either roster.

My growing disdain for sports and fiction is the subject of a future blog post that is planned, so be sure to stay tuned for that.

5. If you could pick your perfect career (and money doesn’t matter/the kids are out of the house) what would it be?

Kids out of the house? Wow. Speaking of fiction… 🙂

As someone who hates his job and bitches about it to anyone who will listen, this is a very important question.

My dream was to buy my grandparent’s property and keep the place in the Taker name. I was going to convert the old barn into a state of the art data center and my own personal creative space where I would do computer stuff. Outside it would still look like an old barn, and every morning I’d “commute” to work by walking down the gravel road by the electric fence. Inside it would be all James Bond and shit. I’d write computer programs, work on web sites and do a bit of writing, among other things.

Of course, none of that is ever going to happen.

At this point I’d settle for a full-time salaried webmaster job that paid about double what I make now, with full medical insurance, and four weeks paid vacation. This package is also informally known as “what I fucking had back in the year 2000.” I’m not greedy.

I’d also love to somehow be “self-employed” by being creative and do the bloggin’ thing. That would be the bomb. If I can grow my traffic by about one million percent I should be all set. 🙂

7. Do you ever feel guilty for blogging?

For me, blogging is an extension of “computing.” My day job is “computing” and my hobby has always been “computing.” Yes, after a full day of work and being on the computer I love to get home and  get right back on it. Some folks tell me this is a sickness. Writing and blogging, however, are different kinds of computing. And I have been weaning my RL writing while expanding the time that I blog. So as a time suck it has all remained remarkably consistent. But yes, sometimes I do feel a bit guilty. I have made the commitment to try to blog something creative every single day and that takes a remarkable amount of time and energy.

7. What is your favorite holiday?

As a guru of negativity, holidays are, by their very definition, the bane of my existence. They literally can kill me. Literally. As in dead, dead, dead. We hates them, we do! Yesssssssss!

8. What’s your favorite kind of music?

This is an area where there has been an interesting metamorphosis over the years. First it was 80’s glam rock, such as Styx and Queen. Then a lot of rock and roll. Then I went through a protracted country and western phase that persists to this day. Old school stuff like Randy Travis, Ricky Skaggs, Ronnie Milsap, etc. But as I’ve aged I’ve grown into death metal and alternative in a big way. Type O Negative, Rage Against the Machine, Bad Religion, Disturbed, The Offspring, etc. The harder and sicker the better. It is precious to us, yesssssss!

9. Do you consider yourself a good driver or bad driver?

I am, by far, an exceedingly excellent driver. And that’s not just a lot of bullshit. A lot of people say they are good drivers but are totally out of touch with reality and are totally full of shit. In my case it is absolutely true. My gifts as they pertain to driving are an almost scary 360 degree sense of total awareness and that I’m technically proficient. Well, all that and the simple fact that when I drive I actually pay attention to what I’m doing. Driving is a frequent topic here on the blog, to say the least. Most people probably don’t know I used to be a professional driver. Tractor-trailers AKA semis AKA 18-wheelers. I was also a certified instructor in a defensive driving course. I do have some humility when it comes to driving, though. I’m well aware that my biggest weakness is my temper.

10. What’s the farthest away place you have visited?

I’m going to have to take the cheap way out on this one. I crave anonymity on my blog and simply revealing where I haven’t been might provide a clue to where I normally hang out. I can say this much, however: Earth is, by far, the farthest I’ve ever been from home. And I deeply, deeply want to return to my home. For me, Earth is the “Wrong Planet.”

Passing on the Panda

It is now incumbent on me to pass along this humble award. I will do so poste haste, but, methinks, not quite yet. Before that will happen there will be a brief period, lasting no more than several years or so, where you may all attempt to curry favor by demonstrating your commenting skills. Be prodigious and your efforts just might pay off.

Good luck!