Airlocket Sonnet with my Easter Bonnet
Credit: Neil Armstrong/NASA
Today I offer a simple space sonnet dedicated to me and you.
Imagine that we are standing together in an airlock. The situation is obvious. Between us and the cold reality of space is a door. And on the wall is a button. It’s the button. You know, the one that controls the door.
Let’s explore the possibilities together. Think of it like a cakewalk in space.
- I have helmet, you do not: This one’s a no-brainer. I push the button. I mean, how often does life provide a chance like this? You have to take it. Space is incredibly empty. I hope you enjoy the irony that it’s about to contain your brains.
- You have a helmet, I do not: You just love having one over on me, don’t you? Quite simply life isn’t worth living knowing that you have something that I do not. I push the button. I hope you can live with yourself, you helmet-owning bastard.
- Neither of us has a helmet: Now this is quite the pickle. What to do, what to do? Ultimately, and don’t take this personally, but I’ll squeak out some famous last words about gooses and ganders and then pound that button with style and flair. Because, you and I are going to be hanging out for a while.
- Both of us have a helmet: Sigh. This is all so tedious and pointless, isn’t it? Sure, I could push the button, but so what? What does it matter? Nothing would change. It’s not even worth the damn effort. It just makes me angry. So I’m not pushing anything. Do what you want. I don’t care.
By the way, according to Wikipedia, a space suit costs $12 million USD and has a mass of 47 pounds (21 kg) without the life support backpack, but how much fun is that? That might seem expensive for just one suit but remember: It comes with two pairs of pants*.
*A very old José Jiménez joke.
Top 10 List: Nerd Rage
Nerd Rage is not an exact science. There are no right or wrong answers. All approaches have their validity and pros and cons.
The following list is offered as a general guide only. It is not intended to be a road map. Your mileage may vary. The important thing is to be creative and make it your own. Play with it. Get crazy. Do things in a slightly different order.
Much like there are five generally accepted steps in the grieving process, this list attempts to make sense of nerd rage. I think I wrote it after spending eight hours trying to get music from iTunes to sync with my iPad. You know, that thing at which Apple is rumored to excel.
Nerd Rage List
in order of escalation
- Shrug and blame it on the cloud. Optimistically try to work the problem.
- Feel irritated.
- Feel more irritation.
- Say out loud (or tweet): “WTH”
- Say out loud (or tweet): “WTF”
- Yell, “G*ddammit!”
- Symbolically pound something causing no real damage.
- Throw something breakable and smash it to bits.
- Drive angry.
- Repeatedly shoot a gun in the air.
- Head asplode. (Bonus step.)
I’ll close with an ancient guru curse: May you always have plenty of technology.
What causes your nerd rage?
Big Boss Graph
May your boss rest well down in Hell tonight…
Here’s hoping you don’t have to sit six feet away from the boss for 40 hours a week. Hell, that’s more quality time than I even get to spend with my own wife. The wife and I say goodbye to five mornings a week during an exercise known at The Commuting. We normally don’t speak of this during the weekend, but it’s the time of the day when you go from the place you love the most in the whole world (your castle) to the place you hate the most, the shithole. That’s one hell of a jarring transformation. And we’re expected to be productive after that? Yeah, right. At least I was productive enough to make this graph.
Pray for me.
Oh Jumpin’ Java – Boom and Doom
How do you know when you've reached your limit? Oh well, I'll call this batch Mouse Blend. Ha ha.
This is a follow-up to yesterday’s product review about a free sample of Starbucks Blonde coffee that I recently received.
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