Tag Archives: application

Remember me, the guy who applied for a job?

illogicalWe got a regurgitation situation
All across the Abyssian nation

The hot new trend on this blog is to scritch up a piece of yesteryear and drag it back into the light of day. Today’s bit of regurgitated kibble comes courtesy of the Abyss “way back” archives. In fact, this was the seventh post I ever wrote. It comes back to the empty nest all the way from September 2009, also known as Abyss Launch Month.

Back then I documented my efforts (in vain) to get away from crappy e-commerce job #2. I was out schlepping around and subjecting myself to the ultimate in extreme humiliation: Going into a place of business and asking for an application form like Oliver groveling for a little extra gruel. And then filling out their endless invasive and offensive forms until your hand shrivels up into a hook hand. A hook hand!!!
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Please sir, may I have another?

Photo: Hailey Ramey

Note: This posting has a prerequisite. If you haven’t already, please watch the “Mama Compensation” video at the bottom of this post – and be sure to don your stolen Avatar 3D glasses to maximize the viewing experience. Don’t worry, it’s probably the best piece of sketch comedy you’ll ever see. If you don’t absolutely love the video I will personally give you double your money back.

“The only thing worse than having a job … is looking for one.”
–Kids in the Hall


And trying to both at the same time could literally kill you. Okay, maybe I exaggerate a skosh there, but job drama is my thing, ya know? 🙂

Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that’s on the worst day of my life.

Fuck. Seriously, fuck. I have got to get out of my current job. It’s time to get serious! In this case that means broadening my horizons outside of my comfort zone. Geez, I hate that.

So I’ve been up to some crazy high jinx lately. First I canceled my World of Warcraft account so I could concentrate on my resume. I know! This shit just got serious!

Somehow spending all of my limited free time trying to get epic gear for my level 80 undead rogue wasn’t making life at work any more palatable. Who knew?

I already have a resume, but something told me the resume pundits would call it steaming pile of shit. The only thing I knew for sure was that it didn’t seem to work. Around here, you can put out applications and resumes and never hear a damn thing.

So I turned to the internet for some resume advice. I quickly came across this bit of pundit wisdom:

People more often buy the best advertised product than the best product. … A resume is an advertisement, nothing more, nothing less.

Ack! Gag me with a spoon. What horrible tripe. [shudder] As I read that I knew I was in for a special level of hell. Okay, I get it. I’m going to have to change practically everything about myself for a chance at a job.

In fact, you are being foolish if you seek to convey a careful, balanced portrayal of yourself. You want to knock their socks off!

Ack! Bragging about myself is decidedly not my forte. My current resume is the poster child for conveying a “careful, balanced portrayal” of myself. Apparently my natural instincts are the exact opposite of what I’m “supposed” to be doing.

So I have two choices. The leading contender is to call the whole process bullshit and give up before I start. I have to admit. I really like this choice. On the other hand, that guarantees me more time spent on my knees at the local shit farm doing what I do best for my current boss.

I have no choice. I’m going to have to go for that other option. It guess it’s time for a negativity makeover. Wish me luck. 😦

Prerequisite Video

Video: Kids in the Hall: Mama Compensation.