Shout Abyss on America’s Got Talent
Image Source: National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse
I’ve been thinking a lot about my “talents” lately. America’s Got Talent has been running advertising about cities where you can go to audition. I have no idea what the audition process is like, but I’d love to go except for one wee little problem: I can’t identify my “talent.”
I’m assuming everyone has one. Even me. So what the hell is it?
I’ve been thinking about it and I do have some talents. One talent I have is sitting cross-legged. I can sit cross-legged all day. I’m pretty sure I can build a Las Vegas caliber show around that one.
Another talent is dice rolling. I’m sure 90 seconds of that would be riveting. If I make it past the audition I promise to keep bringing bigger and bigger dice. Roll them bones!
I have an incredible talent for getting cut off while driving. Try as I might, I can’t figure out a way to translate that to the big stage.
I think I sing pretty good, but only in the shower, and I’ve already done that this year (shower, I mean) so that’s out, too.
Getting strange cats to sit on my lap might work. I seem to be pretty good at that.
The only other thing I can think of that I’m good at is balancing the remote controls (all seven of them) on my belly. There are remotes for the TV, cable box, stereo, DVD player, ceiling fan, simulated fireplace, and even a super remote that tells the other remotes what to do. Yeah, this is undoubtedly probably the best of all my talents.
I mean, come on! I’ve got to have at least one watchable talent, right?
I do know one thing, though. Whatever my talent I’m going to probably need a little extra oomph to take my act through the succession of humiliations that AGT calls shows. And for that you need to have an ace up your sleeve. What might that be? Usually it takes the form of a compelling backstory that makes the judges and voting public think you are cuter than you really are and therefore they put you ahead of other more talented people.
The backstory has to be compelling. An element of drama is extremely helpful. Overcoming some condition that makes other people think “how in the hell can they still have a talent?” is also a plus. When all else fails rely on a medical condition.
Somehow, whatever it is, the backstory always comes out. Then we can hear the judges gush about what a “good person” the contestant is. No, it isn’t the talent that is good. It is the person, and it is because of the backstory.
I watched the highlights of the last season and in at least one case the judges asked the perfect lead-in question of Michael Grimm at his very first audition. Because of that lead-in we all knew from the first time we saw him he was doing it all for grandma and grandpa. Awwwwwwwwwwww!
Dammit! Yet another obstacle in my path! I don’t have a compelling backstory.
Or so I thought.
Then it occurred to me. I do have a personal tragedy I’ve overcome, still deal with every day, and I’ve turned around into a story of heartwarming triumph. It could be just the ticket to me achieving fame on AGT.
I’m talking about, of course, my trials with IBS, also known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Yes, I can’t wait to get on stage at AGT and talk about my trials with IBS. No doubt I’ll go far. At least as far as my bowels can take me!
“This means the world to me. Tonight I’m going to attempt something on stage that I’ve never done before. Also, there really isn’t any need to mention this, but my IBS is acting up. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to perform. But I really want to progress in this competition. This is my dream and I want this so bad. I hope America likes me. Tonight I’m going to attempt 8 remote controls on my belly at the same time. If things don’t go well I could be seriously injured or even killed. I know a lot of people with IBS are counting on me tonight and I want to be their inspiration. I want to be a role model for the IBS community.”
Stay tuned, stay tuned! You surely don’t want to miss me on TV!
No more Hoff beef injections!
Hoffjizz in my Hoffpants
America’s got talent but America’s Got Talent (AGT) does not have The Hoff. Sup with that?!?
In the upcoming season AGT has replaced David Hasselhoff with Howie Mandel. Howie is cool and all, but he is no Hoff.
What are we going to get now? A steady diet of Howieisms? No way!
Seriously. WTF? I can only surmise the Hoff-man got Hoff-fired. No way he was going to get a better gig so I can’t imagine he quit. And too bad, really. He really gave the show the zing of zaniness that it really needed. If he was fired I say, “Hoff with their heads!”
Will I watch AGT this season? Probably not. It just too much damn change. Besides, I’m still busy pulling extra shifts trying to save up to buy my Kevin Skinner album.
We may sit in our ivory towers and make fun of The Hoff. We may feel secure up on our higher ground as we look down and chuckle at his antics. He’s a guilty pleasure, we tell ourselves. But no matter how much we claim otherwise, we just can’t help hanging ten as we surf that slippery slope that we call Hoff. It’s not highbrow. It’s not lowbrow. It’s Hoffbrow. And we has gots to haves it.
But, truth be told, we need The Hoff. Without him we are diminished. He satisfies the part of ourselves that seldom sees the light of day. Only The Hoff can feed the beast that lives within.
Hoff has announced publicly that a new program “which will be announced very shortly” is his reason for leaving the show. I call hoffshiat on that. And seriously, Hoff, trust me on this, if you are planning The Grandson of Knight Rider, don’t do it! It’s not worth it!
My gut tells me this mysterious other program is just a smokescreen. So it’s up to people like you and me to do what we can. Hoffer, if you read this, call me, and you can help me organize a benefit concert I have planned to help you through this difficult time: Hoff Aid.
UPDATE:
Now that I think about it, maybe it’s a reality TV show staring none other than The Hoff. I found this on the net:
Meet the Hasselhoffs!
America’s Got Talent: Hoff Beef Injection
When not previously committed to playing an old guy in a Knight Rider spin off, eating a hamburger, or video taping himself while drunk, American celebrity David Hasselhoff somehow also finds the time to be a staple on the hit TV show America’s Got Talent.
I find it hard to take my eyes off him. It’s a lot like looking at an automobile accident. You just can’t help yourself. (I personally think this is in our DNA and passed down as a survival instinct. You had to look at what killed that other thing just in case it might be something that could kill you. Those with this instinct lived to pass on their genes.)
David, or as he likes to call himself, The Hoff, stands on stage and the TV audience goes wild. He raises his arms up in the air. Again the audience goes wild.
The really compelling stuff, though, is what comes out of his mouth. He has adopted the practice of taking existing words and modifying them by adding his name “Hoff” in the word.
That performance was HOFF the charts!
That was HOFFtastic!
These “hoffisms,” if that term may be permitted, can often turn out to be an entertaining part of the show. What will he come up with next, we wonder? Just how low can he go in his shameless self-promotion? The Hoff stuff has risen to the level of being a gimmick for the overall show. How did that happen?
Watching The Hoff “judge” the various acts on their “talent” he seems to have a special and pronounced penchant for the ladies. As he leers and makes lewd comments, somehow I just know the lecherous old man would love to take some of the female contestants out to sample their hofferings.
That’s when I had the idea to come up with a hoffism of my very own.
Go give ’em the hoff beef injection, David!
I’m sure they’ll appreciate the hoffgasms.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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