Tag Archives: altria

Crapples To Crapples

Untreated European apples with "browning."

Untreated European apples with natural “browning.” See what a difference a little diphenylamine can make?

Ah, Europe. A place where they eat cigarettes like Halloween candy going out of style yet worry about every little nit when it comes to their food.

Viva dichotomy!

“Oui! Next week I may hack up a cancerous thing that used to be a lung but today I will live, dammit, live! The juices of life must be savored to the fullest! The one thing we must absolutely never allow is diphenylamine in our food, you damn foolishly greedy capitalistic yanks.”

I, for one, say thanks. Because, without the European Food Safety Authority banning this, that and the other thing, I wouldn’t be able to say things like: “Oh yeah? Well Kraft Macaroni & Cheese still contains two artificial dyes banned in Europe.” Chef Booyah la de Fuckin’ Dah!

Kraft Foods is an American food company that was owned by a tobacco company until recently when they jury rigged the corporate legalese by rebranding Philip Morris as Altria Inc. and allegedly, in 2007, successfully underwent a Siamese twins separation operation, at least theoretically on paper. That’s because Kraft wants you to know they care about what you put in your body. Kraft Kares ™.
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What a bunch of bull-Kraft!

Kraft Foods wants to buy Cadbury. The headline writers are having a field day talking about the “sweet” deal and how Kraft kept “sweetening” their offer. Hardy har har. A true headline editor with grit would have talked more about how Cadbury was about to embark on an express voyage up the “hershey highway.”

Who is Cadbury? A British confectionery and beverage company. According to Wikipedia it is the world’s second-largest confectionery company after Mars/Wrigley. Some of their most popular products are, no doubt, Cadbury’s Mini Eggs and Cadbury Easter Eggs. Cadbury Global is also the maker of Stride chewing gum, Halls cough drops, Bubblicious, Certs, Chiclets, Trident and well over 100 other brands of products.

The most amazing thing about Kraft Foods that you may or may not already know – it is owned by a tobacco company! To me, nothing says tasty food goodness more than knowing my food has come from a tobacco company.

  • Kraft was acquired by tobacco corporation Philip Morris in 1988 for $12.9 billion.
  • In 2000, Philip Morris bought Nabisco, the maker of Oreo cookies, for $19.2 billion, and merged it with Kraft.
  • In 2007, Kraft bought the cookie business of Danone — which includes well-known French brand LU — for $7.2 billion.
  • Kraft’s other major brands include Oscar Mayer hot dogs, Maxwell House instant coffee, Philadelphia cream cheese and chocolate brands Milka and Toblerone, acquired when it bought Jacobs Suchard in 1990.
  • Kraft is the world’s second-largest food group after Nestle.

Philip Morris makes products like the following brands of cigarettes: Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Merit, Parliament, Benson & Hedges, L&M, Chesterfield, Lark, Cambridge and Basic.

Philis Morris recently tried to rebrand themselves as Altria, but that was just a ploy to throw us off the scent. We still know who they really are.

Philip Morris owns lots of other brands, too, like breakfast cereals: Alpha-Bits, Banana Nut Crunch, Blueberry Morning, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Cream of Wheat, Cream of Rice, Fruit & Fibre, Golden Crisp, Grape-Nuts, Great Grains, Honey Bunches of Oats, Honeycomb, Oreo O’s, Pebbles, Raisin Bran, Shredded Wheat, Toasties and Waffle Crisp.

Philip Morris even makes other stuff like Altoids, Milk Bone, Di Giorno, Cracker Barrel, A-1 Sauce, Bull’s Eye BBQ Sauce and Kool-Aid.

Thirsty? Don’t forget the beer! Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Genuine Draft Light, Miller High Life, Miller High Life Light, Milwaukee’s Best, Milwaukee’s Best Light, Icehouse, Foster’s, Red Dog, Southpaw Light, Leinenkugel’s, Henry Weinhard’s, Henry’s Hard Lemonade, Hamm’s, Mickey’s, Olde English 800, Magnum, Presidente and Sharp’s non-alcohol brew.

Getting the idea yet? These are two whopping big companies! Blended together they will represent a collective capable of assimilating the entire planet.

On Jan. 19, 2009, Kraft made a cash-and-stock offer to Cadbury worth $19 billion. It is anticipated that the deal will be accepted by Cadbury’s board ending a month’s long hostile takeover battle between the two companies.

All I can say is: I don’t want anything near my mouth or in my body that came from Philip Morris. Cadbury, once assimilated by the Kraft Borg, will sadly be included on that list.

One thing seems clear: Philip Morris wants it so that no matter what you eat, when you poop, Kraft Krap comes out. My goal in life is to be the “fiber” to that nefarious plan!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smoke a box of Velveta. There’s no single cheese like Velveta. It’s colby, swiss and cheddar, blended all togeddar!

Don’t be a “Koch sucker”

Symbols of the tea party movement

This is a follow-up to the previous post: 10 biggest douchebags of 2009. Please join us now for our awards ceremony red carpet after party. It’s time to get down and get funky.

So who is behind the Tea Party movement? One of the big players is Americans For Prosperity (AFP). Who is behind them? One of America’s richest billionaires, a man by the name of David Koch. According to Wikipedia’s David H. Koch page:

In 1984, Koch founded Citizens for a Sound Economy. Koch also funds Americans for Prosperity, a conservative advocacy group that has recently used new media technologies and other efforts to create opposition to U.S. President Barack Obama‘s proposed health care reforms.

Yep, if there’s one thing the rich want, it’s more “prosperity.” When will the dude have enough to get by on?

In the previous post I wrote a bit about who’s behind the tea party movement. Big companies like Exxon and Philip Morris. So how does that translate to a group like Americans For Prosperity? Let’s take a look at the influence of tobacco. According to SourceWatch.org:

AFP advocates pro-tobacco industry positions on issues like cigarette taxes and clean indoor air laws. The name “Americans for Prosperity” will sound familiar to tobacco prevention policy advocates, as Americans for Prosperity worked around the U.S. in recent years to defeat both smokefree workplace laws and cigarette excise tax increases.

Americans for Prosperity opposed a proposed Texas smoking ban in 2005. According to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, “A proposed statewide smoking ban appears all but dead, supporters acknowledged Monday as they waged a frantic battle to bring the bill up for a vote in the Senate. ‘I think the bill is dead,’ said Peggy Venable, Texas director of Americans for Prosperity, which opposed the legislation, arguing that it is an intrusion on private-property rights.” The strategy of portraying smoking as a “property right” can be traced to Philip Morris which, in the mid-1990s, introduced bills in state legislatures nominally to protect property rights as a means of fighting smoking bans. Venable called the smoke-free measure a “reckless expansion of government” that “set a dangerous precedent.” Although Venable did not testify against the bill directly on behalf of the tobacco industry, the Houston Chronicle reported in 2007 that Americans for Prosperity had, in fact, been underwritten by tobacco companies in other states.

Americans for Prosperity opposes smoking bans by using slippery-slope arguments (“Where will it stop?”) and erroneous arguments that smoking restrictions are economically damaging.

Americans for Prosperity (AFP) also opposed an Illinois state tax on cigarettes in 2008, claiming it would eliminate jobs.

AFP opposed a clean indoor air law in Washington, D.C. in 2006.

AFP opposed a clean indoor air law in Kansas City, portraying the issue as one of personal liberty and economics rather than public health.

I think there are a lot of really sincere and good people in the tea party movement and even in groups like AFP. Unfortunately I feel that most of them don’t even realize how they are being used as pawns in a big game of chess. Their desire for social change is being funneled into a direction they don’t even know. That’s a bit sad. Some call them teabaggers. For foot soldiers in the AFP movement, the phrase Koch sucker might be slightly more accurate.

And that’s all I have to say about that. At least for now. 🙂

Black tar … black lung … black mold … black taco?!?!?

Black taco

Black hole taco?

The new “black taco” at Taco Bell with … jack sauce?

First of all, let’s get this messy little bit of business out of the way right off the bat. We all know where that “jack sauce” comes from, right?

Now I don’t normally watch too much TV, but the commercial for this new food item got me thinking. A black taco shell? This from the same company that had taco shells in grocery stores with genetically engineered corn that was “not for human consumption.”

That particular cluster fuck was brought to us by Kraft Foods using their Taco Bell license. And, as well all know, Kraft is the food division of Philip Morris Co., with more than 70 brands and $17.5 billiion in sales.

Philip Morris, the tobacco company, has since changed its name to the more devious Altria, but we all still know what their primary product is, right?

Wait. Now I get it. I guess a black taco shell is a great idea after all. Now I get the connection. The new black taco at Taco Bell. Be the first on your block to smoke one!