Those of you who have dared (to waste your time) and look at my id page may have noticed that there is seemingly no limit to the number of titles I’m willing to shamelessly apply to myself.

One of those titles is “inventor.” No, not in a literal inventing sense of the word. Much like scientists will often engage in thought experiments I also like to have my fun. I guess you could say I engage in thought inventions. These are things that are “invented” (note the air quotes) but only in my head. They never exist unless made my someone smarter than me who has much more energy. Basically I just sit a lot.

Are we there yet? No!

Yes, I’m the guy who invented Google Windshield. This is a augmented reality app that is displayed on the windshield of your car as a heads-up display. Yeah, just like the fancy technology that was previously enjoyed exclusively by heroic fighter pilots. It’s an amazing powerful app that can answer questions like, “Are we there yet?” If you want to know if you’ve arrived at your destination just ask Google Windshield to display your trip’s progress bar. There is your answer in graphical form. “36 percent? Aw, what the hell?”

It can do fancier things, too. Ever see a mountain far off in the distance and get curious about it? Just point at it and Google Windshield will tell you more about it than you ever wanted to know.

Another gadget I invented I call the Mobile Serenity Enhancer. This device is worn just like a wristwatch. What does it do? It is a mobile phone jammer that finally allows you live your life in peace. Going to the movies? Just sit in the center of the movie theater and activate your own personal jamming field. The 75′ radius will ensconce you in a peaceful “circle of silence” for the next 2-3 hours. Sure, the idiots will punch their little buttons but nothing will happen. Eventually they’ll give up and those little glowing screens will go bye-bye. And no incoming calls, either! Mobile Serenity Enhancer works equally well in tons of other locations like the office, restaurants, walking down the street, standing in line at the grocery store and much, much more!

The real announcement for today, however, is the Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. This state of the art beauty is designed to take you from blissful slumber to a ready state of alertness in no time at all. Are you overly in love with the snooze button? RATM AC is here to help!

Our patented Morning Escalation Awakening Technology (MEAT) will wake you up in style at the pace that is right just for you.

Here now is an overview of our cascading snooze progression that can greet you every morning but only if you act now!

Initial Alert: “Ah, shit!!!” Our researchers have found that this is the optimal message to get most self-starters right out of bed on the first try.

First Snooze Alert: “Who controls the past now controls the future!” You’ve now slacked off for nine whole minutes but this is still a great way to greet the day that the Lord hath made. Get your lazy ass out of bed now, before it is too late, and you can still control your own future!

Second Snooze Alert: “Come on! Ugh! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” Okay! Seriously. It’s been 18 minutes. Play time is over. You’re probably already late for something important. It is now time for a more direct approach.

Third Snooze Alert: “And now you do what they told ya!” This alert is repeated 11 times then looped without end. Perhaps the time has come for you to evaluate why you even set an alarm in the first place? Presumably to satisfy the requirements of some external forces that have been placed upon you. Yes, you have free will, but if you exercise that free will inappropriately (like not getting out of bed) there will be consequences. After 27 minutes it is time to flip your feet on the floor and do what they told ya.

Fourth Snooze Alert: “Pistol grip pump on my lap at all times!!!” Really? You’re still snoozing after 36 minutes of RATM bombardment in hi-fidelity stereo? The time for direct threats is at hand. This is the alarm clock’s final warning that you are about to be shot if you fail to get up. Every unit comes equipped with a pistol grip pump in a secret compartment. Arise NOW!

The Final Snooze Alert: “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me! Motherfucker! Uggh!” 45 minutes. You are truly a world-class snoozer. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen. Time’s up. Prepare to die. 🙂

Congratulations on the purchase of your Rage Against The Machine Alarm Clock. You are either now wide awake and ready to seize the day or you’ve been shot sleeping in your bed. Either way our product has done its job!