The Perfect Swarm
It was raining in the canoe on the bay lake. A hard rain. The kind of rain that encouraged my wife try like hell to bail water with her coffee cup.
Two days earlier…
It was a Friday. The crew and I assembled in the aft quarters to review the weather reports. They said there was a 10% chance of rain on Saturday and a 30% chance on Sunday. We decided to depart on Sunday.
One day earlier…
On one hand it was a good decision to delay because it gave us an extra day to perform dry runs. We ran equipment checks and drills. Our first trip had caught us unprepared. I’d be damned if that was going to happen on my watch.
We took some time on Saturday and got the rigging down to a science. That last portage had almost killed us.
While the canoe was out of the garage, we decided to go home improvement on this old house. For some strange reason we were tired of dry dock consisting of the canoe precariously balanced on the refrigerator and an old bookcase.
How To Have Fun In A Canoe
Lean in the same direction as your companion. This is also known as “swimming.”
A one-hour construction project was about to go 500 percent past deadline.
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Paddle Me Canoe Edition
Every great expedition begins with a solid plan. Seen here is an artist’s conceptual drawing of everything we imagined. We were decidedly not on solid ground.
Sauvie Island by Canoe
A Year Ago
Have you ever wanted something? Which do you think is preferable? Achieving it or remaining an interminable infinite loop of denial?
One year ago we moved to the big city of Portland, Oregon. Soon after we stunned by the sheer number of outside things to do. Tucked away here and there amidst the urban sprawl were remarkable natural areas to explore. I no longer remember how but somehow we became fixated on the idea of getting a canoe.
Owning a canoe became a frequent topic of discussion during the next year. We imagined the places we would go. We envisioned it as easy and inexpensive way to enjoy our new home. Need something to do? Just throw the canoe on the car and hit one of the many interesting places: rivers, lakes, sloughs and more. Viola.
I’d been in a canoe one before, but that was at church camp like 30 summers ago. I didn’t recall any bad memories so it must have been easy and fun. Right?
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Sports Bra Holes Yelping
Thanks to Yelp we were heading a few miles across the big city to a deli I had found to surprise my wife. It sounded like the kind of place she would really like. So naturally we arrived and they were closed, even though Yelp and the sign on the door indicated they should be open. There was no note offering an explanation why, either, yet inside my wife saw someone who was studiously ignoring the fact that we existed. Nice. Such is a typical night out with the Guru.
I thought about giving them a one-star review to express my displeasure but, like always, found a way to restrain myself. I am nothing if not centered and calm.
We put our heads together and came up with Plan B: Drive around aimlessly until one of the myriad of assembled shitholes called to us. Adventure is our new norm and that’s how we roll.
So it was that we came to a shady joint not far from our new home and decided to try it out. And, get this, without Yelping it first! I know! Oh heady adventure. What surprises lie in wait?
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So Long, and Thanks for All the Pish
Déjà vu for the last time. The Decade of Despair is over. More details as they become available.
It’s official. I am out of The Shit Hole, Galactic Empire Designation Death Star One.
I have done punched that clock for the last time.
Yah, me!
To think I’ve been blogging about hating my job for well over a year now. I never imagined this day could actually come.
I don’t really have a lot to say about it right now. Here’s a little run down on some official Last Week goodness:
Late last week, one of my fellow employees, recently code named The Waffler, had finally had enough. Like me, his big beefs with the job revolved around things like nanomanagement and how employees are treated.
A few weeks back The Waffler had been put on notice by management. He had to improve or he’d be fired. Like me he’s been with the company for over five years, and, like me, the boss always says that he’s “family.”
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Vacation – Guru On Ice
I’m not going to lie to you. Vacation* was awesome. Here is the Reader’s Digest version of tidbits.
Photograph courtesy of Mrs. Abyss. I keep telling her she needs her own name. She shouldn’t be Mrs. to anything. It’s like, “Please allow me to introduce Mrs. Tom B. Taker.” Yeah, right. The ultimate in humiliation! Let us pray for her own name.
There And Back Again
I’m sorry if the title is misleading. There be no Hobbits here. Except maybe my hairy feet. This is actually a story about me leaving the house.
Recently my wife has been getting her eyes opened courtesy of the Universe and spending some quality time with me. I have to say I’m happy. I do like to be understood.
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What if everything came up roses?
What if a guru came down from the lonely mountain and discovered a beautiful world full of possibility, promise and the milk and honey of human kindness? What if, also, he realized that referring to himself as “guru” doesn’t necessarily make it so?
Yes, today is the first day of the rest of your life … so make it a good one.
Today is a good day. I’ve got the warmth of the loving sun on my face and the fresh air in my lungs. And my feet ready to take me anywhere I want to be. How lucky is that?
What if you already possess everything you ever required to be the happiest you’ve ever been? What if it was locked inside of you and all you had to do was let it out? And what if nothing was easier, if only you knew the way?
So what if life throws a lemon at you every now and again? That’s just to keep you on your toes. It helps to prevent boredom from setting in. But, don’t just make lemonade. Make it a fun adventure. Throw in some creme fraiche and some escargot and do it up Top Chef style. Turn any everyday fruit beverage into an amuse bouche. Inject your own style and personality and make it yours. And then drink deeply of the rich adventure of life. That’s the most precious gift of all.
Every morning, for something different than the same o’ same o’, wake up, roll out of bed, leap to your feet and scream at the rest of the world, “I am here! I have survived to live another day! And this day will be mine!”
Life isn’t meant to be easy. Nothing good comes easy. You have to want it, grapple with it, subdue it and make it yours.
Remember the wise words of Captain James Tiberius Kirk:
“Maybe we weren’t meant for paradise. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through – struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can’t stroll to the music of lutes. We must march to the sound of drums.”
Aye, Captain. We will make it so!
I feel so different … so alive. Yes, the power of change is coursing through my veins. Today I feel like spreading motivational positivity.
Yes, something has happened to me. Today I feel different.
There’s a stranger in my mirror
Who don’t know how to behave
He keeps grinnin’ ’bout you
And whistlin’ tunes
While he ought to be watchin’ me shaveWe move alike and we look the same
But I swear we’ve got totally different brains
And the love we’re in with you just makes it clearer
He used to be my twin
Now there’s a stranger in my mirror
So who’s with me? Who else believes that thoughts are things, and if only you believe, then your wildest dreams will come true and come to you? All you have to do is believe.
Today I’m going out, I’m going to take on the day, and I’m going to do my part to make the world a better place.
Be the best you you can be and your well of abundance will spill over and quench the thirst of those around you. Lead by example!
Just do it. Make it happen. Be the change you want to see in the world. You are an army of one.
There is no “I” in team! Give it your all, give it your one-hundred and ten percent.
Step up to the plate.
Think outside of the box.
Now I have to go. I can’t wait to get to work. I’m like a kid on Christmas morning who can’t wait to open his presents. Come on, time, move. I’m getting impatient to live this day!
If you need me, just look up. You’ll find me at the second star to the right and straight on till morning.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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