History is written by the victors.
–Winston S. Churchill
I have this personal pet theory. It goes a little something like this:
What do I mean by this? It’s time for a tale of hungry dogs, drowning by garden hose, buxom secretaries, altered birth certificates and who’s car is parked next door.
I’d like to start this post with a Newt Gingrich joke. And this has nothing to do with his wife, either. It’s about him on a hot sex date. ba-doom-boom!
I keed, I keed. Seriously, though. I’m here all week.
So here’s the joke:
Gingrich is out on a date and things are going swimmingly. He drops his pants and says to the young woman, “Check out this Eye of Newt!”
Well, at least we can say this much about my sense of humor. It’s painfully obvious that I write my own material.
I woke up this morning planning a Newt Gingrich post. A quick check of Google News, though, and I feel like my thunder is about to be stolen away before I can even start. Check out some of these headlines:
- Our bizarre political theater
- Commentary: Newt Gingrich’s political suicide
- Gingrich, in N.H., tries to refocus his campaign
- Republican Gingrich defiant over Tiffany’s account
- Gingrich takes few questions, avoids press at NH town hall
- Gingrich’s campaign blindsided by bling
- Newt Gingrich Defends Paul Ryan From People Saying Same Things Newt Said
- Political Lolapalooza: Newt Gingrich’s Diamond Studded Hypocrisy & Other Tales From The Crypt
Note: These are all real headlines shown exactly as I found them while writing this post.
Apparently the Gingrich campaign is not long for this world. It’s about to slip the surly bonds of Earth and touch the face of God. Or something like that.
Even so, I’m still in the mood to discuss my planned topic. And that’s doctors. Let’s give Gingrich a chance here. Let’s focus on the issues.
With all of the issues facing our country, what does Gingrich see as the cornerstones of his campaign?
- Repeal The Affordable Health Care Act
- Preserve Bush-era tax cuts for top 2 percent
- Combating radical Islamism
- Emphasis on math and science to give the U.S. military the “most advanced and powerful weapons in the world”
- Dismantle the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and replace with an “Environmental Solutions Agency” which would view the environmental based on job creation and energy costs
- Defund Planned Parenthood
- Protect religious expression (creches, crosses, menorahs) on public property
- Protect healthcare workers’ “right to conscience”
- Provide access to government funds for home schooled students
- Protect rights of teachers to discuss religion in the classroom
- Protect frail, infirm and elderly from the state’s arbitrary decision to terminate life
Wow, Newt! See the boogeyman much?
There’s so much meat here, but if I take too big of a bite and I won’t be able to digest and then, well, I’ll be irregular. So let’s just take a nibble. Besides, since he’s got no chance, this is all just a thought experiment. A quick look, though, could still be a bit of fun.
I really want to discuss the doctor thing, but first, a brief history lesson on the biggest boogeyman of all-time. At least since abortion was made the end-all distraction issue of conservatives.
Planned Parenthood facts:
- Opened in 1916 as the first birth control clinic in the United States.
- In 1970 President Richard M.Nixon (Republican) signed the Family Planning Services and Population Research Act. This provided government funding to Planned Parenthood. The act had bipartisan support by liberals (who saw it as giving families greater control over their lives) and conservatives (who saw it as a way to keep people off welfare).
- Planned Parenthood is the largest provider of abortions in the United States, which constitutes about 3% of the health care services it provides.
- Receives about one-third of its funding from the government.
- By law does not use any federal funding for abortions.
Now, the doctor thing. Gingrich essentially wants “healthcare workers” to have the right to “refuse service to anyone.” No big surprise that this one has to do with abortion. Gingrich wants to make sure that doctors are not forced to participate in or refer procedures such as abortion.
A couple of thoughts. First, is this a big problem facing our country? Do you lose a lot of sleep over this? Excuse the fuck out of me, but really. Boo-fucking-hoo. I don’t even know what to make if this. Has there ever been a doctor forced to do anything he/she didn’t want to? I find that hard to imagine.
Note: Some will point out, correctly, that an employee has to what he’s ordered to do (as long as it’s legal) or risk getting fired. True enough. I’ve been in that situation all my goddamned life. But where is the “force” in this equation? Like trillions of people have told me before, if you don’t like your job, go “vote with your feet” and find a new one. Unless the doctor is performing an abortion at gunpoint no one is legally being “forced.” Don’t like something about your job, whatever it is? Put on your big boy pants and go find a new job. This is, by the way, a basic building block of a “free market.”
And how exactly would this sort of thing be implemented? How to you legally define a “right to conscience?” Could it apply to any situation? Any medical procedure? Could it be based on hair color? The length of the patient’s skirt that is offensive to the doctor? A tattoo? A religious symbol? Gender? The color of skin? Smell?
How exactly would this conscience thing work? What would be permissible grounds for refusal and what wouldn’t?
This is exactly the sort of shit that flimflam politicians like to run up the flagpole to distract the rabble. Inflame the passions, distract, and walk your way into office with your prize money.
Another thing: Doctors are an important part of our society and we recognize them for that. They get money. The get privilege. Influence. Respect. Power. Isn’t that enough?
“So sorry, old chap. I appreciate all that, but it simply isn’t enough. I need to have total control over everything. Stat! Understood?”
What makes doctors so much more special than anyone else? I’d really like to know. How many other jobs can you imagine where the worker demands the right to refuse service?
- The firefighter won’t put out your fire
- The police officer won’t protect and serve
- The teacher won’t teach
- The mechanic won’t fix your car
- The cable company refuses to put the internet in your house
- The minister won’t administer sacraments and holy communion
Actually, that last one is already all too real. We’ve been working for millennia to end discrimination based on things like gender and the color of skin. When did it become acceptable to do it based on things like beliefs? And why, pray tell, does religion always seem to be right smack dab in the middle of it? Riddle me that, Batman!
Sure, in America, you have the right to your own personal beliefs. And we have the right to refuse service. You believe something different than us? We’ll do a little embargo of our own. Let’s see you eat nothing, you fuck! Enjoy your “rights” while you starve to death! Ha ha ha ha ha!
We’ve traded in one form of discrimination for another. I guess we can’t abide the thought of a world without some form of discrimination.
Do you know any worker who enjoys this sort of right? It sure the fuck ain’t me. I have to wait on everyone who comes my way or I get fired. Am I offended or find something repugnant about that task? Too fucking bad. Suck it up or be out of a job. That’s the everyday choice for most ordinary working people.
Why do doctors need and/or deserve different?
Doctors take an oath to do no harm. If it’s your turn in the barrel and you’re on shift when a patient is brought it, you do your fucking job. You don’t become a conscientious objector based on things like differences in personal beliefs. Saving that human spark of life – no matter what – is your job. If you won’t do that, then society has absolutely no use for you. You don’t get the option of intermittent refusal and still keep all the special goodies and prizes and what’s behind door number three, k?
And no, you can’t stand back, do nothing, and say it is the problem of something else and get to keep your “do no harm” status. Doing nothing when your actions could have made a difference is the same as causing harm.
This is one so-called “issue” that should absolutely never see the rule of law. Ever!
Jesus Christ! I can sit here and close my eyes and I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of world that Newt Gingrich wants to live in. It sounds like a scary and hateful place. It sounds twisted. It sounds un-American.
You have to give it up for Nike. I think they must be the biggest corporate supporter of Tiger Woods. Other companies may have took the high road of morality and common sense, but Nike’s lust for money seems equal to Tiger’s lust for slutty tail. “Just Do It” apparently has nothing to do with morals.
Nike even recently released a new commercial starting Tiger Woods. It is in black and white and features Tiger, apparently on the verge of tears, staring into the camera while a voice over of his dead father’s voice goes on about things like “I want to find out what your thinking was” and “Did you learn anything?” Wow. Earl Woods died in 2006 but Nike feels this is a way to promote their brand and support for Tiger?
Creepy. Just like Nike’s continued support of Tiger.
In my mind, the big question of the day is why does Nike continue to embrace the values of Tiger Woods? I can only think of two possible answers. First, they share those values. And secondly, Tiger Woods makes them money. For corporations like Nike, money trumps morality. It’s not called the “bottom line” for nothing.
I went to Nike.com and took a quick look around. A search of their site for “Tiger Woods” reveals 39 products. Ah. That represents a substantial investment in a brand and that investment must be supported at all costs. The products range from shirts (you too can look like Tiger while you hit a little ball with a stick) to pants and shorts to umbrellas to belts (good for choking women?) to baseball caps to hat clip and ball markers and yes, even shoes.
Nike released a statement about their newest Woods commercial:
We support Tiger and his family. As he returns to competitive golf, the ad addresses his time away from the game using the powerful words of his father.
Supporting Tiger we already know only too well. But his “family?” Jeez, Nike, you’ve got balls. Tiger’s cheating potentially risked the life of his wife who could have been exposed to deadly diseases picked up during his sexploits. For that alone I personally think Tiger should be charged with a crime. I bet Tiger’s wife feels quite happy to learn that Nike “supports” her, too.
Nike does not support my values. I will not just do it. I will not support Nike in any way, shape, or form. And that goes also for Tiger. Apparently he’s back out hitting a little ball with a stick. How unciting.
We pause today for a reading from the Book of Tiger:
“God girl. You better want to take care of me… I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore… Hold you down while I choke you.”
The above is a portion of text messages that are allegedly attributed to Tiger Woods and released by Joslyn James, one of his mistresses. (As reported by The New York Post.)
I apologize for dirtying and cheapening your computer screen. That’s my job.
By the way, the subject line is a reference to a little known literary masterpiece by E.A. Ho:
“Horny, firm, and salacious Tiger, wandering from his Nightly whore,– Tell me what thy wifely name is on the marital shore! Quoth the Tiger “Nevermore!”
This has been a reading from the Book of Tiger. Now go take on the day!
Showing the patience of a saint, class, humility, dignity and style, Tiger Woods sat out a grand total of zero Masters tournaments before announcing his return. This is, of course, exactly as predicted by yours truly deep down here in the bowels of the abyss.
It was way back on Dec. 11th that Woods announced he’d take an “indefinite break” from golf to try to save his marriage. As if we needed additional evidence of exactly how much worth he places on that sacred institution.
For those who study calendars, the grand total of that “indefinite break” turned out to be about four months. Shit! Who can even remember that far back? That’s a whole whopping one-third of a year. Our memories can only go back so far, ya know?
No doubt Woods believes that the quicker he gets back into play the quicker the public’s collective memory will fade.
He probably has publicity strategists planning his every move.
Here’s a piece of free publicity advise for Mr. Woods: Keep Mr. Winky in his frickin’ cage!
Tiger, I’m available for consultations at my standard ten percent rate if you need more, and I think we all know you do.
Sorry, I just can’t help myself. It’s time for another Tiger post. Already??? Sorry, yeah.
I’m worried about The Tiger. I mean, what will he do to make a living if his endorsements get dumped? I’m worried about him going hungry. And his wife no doubt will lay claim to some of his fortune. They were married in 2004 and the initial prenuptial agreement was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. I’m sure all bets are off on that by now, though.
So what will he do if Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts no longer want any part of the Tiger Woods image? Here are some of my ideas:
Condoms – My advice to Tiger: Strike now while the iron is hot. Pick a brand, any brand, and tee off a new television campaign.
Red Bull – This one seems like a no-brainer to me. If I was an executive at Red Bull, right about now I’d be saying, “We be gots to gettin’ us some Tiger. He must already be drinking our stuff. I mean, just look at him go!” The campaign practically writes itself, too. “Red Bull gives you swings!”
Viagra – Another no brainer. If he’s already on it, then it’s a match made in heaven. If he’s not, it can only bring a whole new level to his game. Either way it’s time for “Smiling Bob” to take a hike.
Female Viagra – What the? Is Tiger even attractive? I certainly don’t think so.So what is it about the man that makes him someone the women so desperately want to bag? Oh yeah, he’s on TV a lot and he’s rich. That’s about all it takes, right? Of course, it is kind of hard to be sponsored by money itself. Perhaps Money magazine?
Can you come up with any other sponsorship ideas of your own for Tiger? We may be the only chance he’s got!