To Boldly Not Go: Everything you need to know about the new Star Trek series
It was announced today that Star Trek is coming back to the small screen in 2017. Yes. Finally. A new Star Trek series. That’s exciting news. But wait. What’s the catch?
CBS.
Mothafukas! So much for that shit.
My operatives have obtained the writer’s and director’s guide for this new series including an advance copy of the script. This humble blog is the exclusive source for this information on the internet.
Proud sponsor of the American Scream
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: What of Mediocre Fred?
For newbies, Mediocre Fred is a decent, honest, hard-working guy. He doesn’t cheat on his taxes, obeys the law and is kind to small furry creatures. As such, he’s not exactly rewarded like a paragon of the American way.
Here in America we base our entire system of government on one simple principle: No freeloaders. You have to work for a living. As a nation we abhor the notion of those who work the system to get the promised land of freebies without pulling their own weight. Well, at least on the bottom end of the scale.
Mediocre Fred has worked every week of his life since he was 16. When still in school he worked part-time. After graduating with his high school diploma, he went full-time and has never looked back.
Over the decades Mediocre Fred has always worked. He’s had no pension, 401k plan, health insurance, vacation or paid days off. He just works. And when his fellow workers tried to unionize and the company closed and bulldozed the store and built a new non-union store across the street, Mediocre Fred always seemed to land on his feet. He’d just get a new job and keep his nose to that grindstone.
That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?
Continue reading →
Enjoy Premium Abyss content for FREE
Another happy Abyssian!
Got a minute? Find out how to get everything* The Guru Abyss has to offer. For FREE!
Continue reading →
When the market drops
Note: Due to the upcoming tenth anniversary of 9/11, there will be no “Termination Tuesday” bracketology this week. It will be back again next week. In the meantime I’m actually going to try to behave.
Would you like to play a game? Don’t worry – it’s simple. First we’ll consider a factoid and then we’ll say the first thing that pops into our heads. This is just an idea. Let’s try it once and see what happens.
Ready? Okay!
Factoid: Approximately one-sixth of the human population on this planet does not have access to safe water.
Response: The solution is a new market! We should be charging a whole lot more for water!
Erm? Did we not all come up with the same answer? How odd.
Continue reading →
All Access Travelogue: How to get in to Skywalker Ranch
The Skywalker Ranch Library
Welcome to the dinner salad, young Skywalker. And I see you brought your own Ranch. Impressive!
Ever wanted to visit Skywalker Ranch? Hell, who wouldn’t? Hearst had his castle, Michael Jackson had Neverland, and George Lucas has gots his digs, too.
And I know how to get in. Curious? Keep reading for my exclusive tip on how to be invited into the Lucasonian world known as Skywalker Ranch.
This tip is foolproof and guaranteed to get you in – but only if you can exactly follow my advice. Be warned and remember! Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.
Skywalker Ranch is the secret fort of Lucas where he stages massive toy soldier battles between Jedi action figures and Clone Trooper action figures. It is truly a sight to behold.
Situated on about 3,000 acres 20 miles north of San Francisco is the city that Lucas built.
The Ranch contains a barn with animals, vineyards, a garden with fruits and vegetables used in the on-site restaurant, an outdoor swimming pool and fitness center with racquetball courts, the man-made “Lake Ewok,” a hilltop observatory, a 300-seat theater called “The Stag” as well as multiple theater screening rooms, and parking that is mostly concealed underground to preserve the natural landscape. Skywalker Sound was moved onto the ranch in 1987, now occupying the Technical Building. The Main House has a company research library under a stained-glass dome. Skywalker Ranch has its own fire station, which is part of the Marin County Mutual Aid system, and is often called on to assist firefighters in nearby Marinwood.
Sound like fun? Hell yeah! I can’t think of any place I’d rather be. Meanwhile, in other news, I still don’t command the financial forces necessary to be able to own one square inch of Florida swampland. (My mortgage on the property was foreclosed.) It must be nice to be able to afford to prioritize the tough choices and get just a few of the bare necessities that you want. Yes, I jealous a lot. (For me, jealous is a verb!)
Okay, here’s the secret. You read this far so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.
The secret to being invited to Skywalker Ranch is obtaining a level of consciousness where you literally care nothing about Star Wars, George Lucas and Skywalker Ranch. At this level, not only could you not care less about Star Wars, you will also find the whole thing rather tedious, boring and silly. Only once you would automatically refuse any invitation to visit Skywalker Ranch will you be ready.
My beloved Skywalker Ranch mug
Once you’ve carefully followed the above tip you will be invited for a visit. Trust me. I’ve personally witnessed this.
I was with a woman who was an artist back when Lucas decided to make a Star Wars prequel-trilogy starting with The Phantom Menace. Her company was one of the millions courting Lucasfilm for Phantom Menace licensing projects. This woman had absolutely no interest in Star Wars. None. Zip. Nada. Zilch! She had never even seen any of the movies – not even once! On the other hand, of course, I was supergeek who had quite literally worn Star Wars tshirts every day for an entire year during the eighth grade.
As luck would have it, she was invited along with a few others from her company to attend a meeting at Skywalker Ranch. As you might guess, attendees went on this business trip alone – no guests were permitted. In this topsy-turvy world she was the one who was allowed to visit. I was the one who stayed home and received a Skywalker Ranch coffee mug from the on-site “company store” as a consolation prize.
And there you have it! Another secret and practical tip from this cutting-edge blog. Now go out there and put it into action!
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments