I’m Starfleet and Starfleet doesn’t lie!
COMPUTER: Working. Private Tom B. Taker. Serial number ABY-7734-Neg. Verified.
So what follows is the truth.
COMPUTER: Subject relaying accurate account. No physiological changes.
Gee, thanks, computer! I appreciate the endorsement!
COMPUTER: Subject in error. No endorsement was implied. Non sequitur. Error. Error. Error.
Dammit, man! I’m a failure, not a negativist! Or is that the other way around?
Anyway, most folks don’t know about Starfleet’s Processed Air Training (PAT). It’s a critical part of Starfleet Academy that must be successfully completed in order to graduate. It’s just like that scene in An Officer And A Gentleman where candidate Sid Worley can’t count cards in the decompression chamber. Yes, he’s got the moves like Jagger! But that doesn’t make him officer material.
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The Office Temp
This is just a quick little serendipitous post because I’m in the mood. I’d like to relate a conversation with the boss that happened yesterday.
Just a bit of background info before I share it, though. As I’ve written several times now, the place I work doesn’t care much about employees. They don’t like expending actual pennies on wasteful things like comfort. So they don’t like to run the heater in winter nor the A/C in summer.
The official policy in winter is that yes, you can run the heat, but if you run it enough to take off your coat, then it is too warm. I’m not shitting you. This is the official policy. Management wants employees to wear their coats all day – every day – during the cold months. (Not a fun or comfy way to work, by the way.)
It’s no big surprise that the hot months are the exact opposite. The boss charges top dollar for everything he makes, but in every other thing he pinches pennies so hard I’m surprised they still retain shape. I call this golden nugget economics.
Unofficially we’re allowed to turn on the A/C just enough to the point where sweat stops dripping in our eyes. A sticky note on the thermostat states: “No lower than 78!”
We knew the boss would be stopping by yesterday, so we had the A/C up at the authorized level. In other words, it was hotter than hell.
The boss stopped by, said hello, and remarked: “It sure feels nice and cool in here.”
That comment was, of course, completely and utterly ignored by us chickens.
Then, again, since it didn’t get the desired response the first time it was trotted out: “It sure feels nice and cool in here!”
Again, no response. It was almost pathetic to watch. Ha ha ha!
The boss was left with no recourse. He had to up his game to the next level. It was time for a direct query. “Is the A/C on?” he asked impatiently.
Oh sweet Jesus I wish I was making this shit up! But I swear to you, this is the exact conversation with absolutely no embellishment. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.
This is where I finally got a chance to step in and speak up. “Yes, the A/C is on. Yesterday, for example, when I got to work, it was literally 81 degrees in my office at 8am. We have no choice. Besides, we need to stop the computers from melting. There’s going to be liquid metal leaking out of these boxes if we don’t run the A/C.”
This confused my boss’ little brain. So I explained further.
“See, the innards in the computers will melt and leak out onto the floor where they will make little shiny pools of metal. Then shiny Terminators will rise up out of those pools. And trust me, you don’t want them running around messing with productivity. They can be quite annoying.”
My point had been made in my own inimitable manner. Woot!