Mayo Daze
If you’re like me (and who isn’t?) you enjoy sandwiches but suffer greatly from the fact that mayonnaise absorbs into bread.
In the morning you slather on the mayo fully anticipating a world of wonder but come lunchtime you are left with limp, soggy bread and an underwhelming mastication experience.
The secret lies within a complex scientific phenomenon known as “mayonnaise viscosity.” Or, as we like to call it, MV.
What if I told you there was a way you could have your mayo and eat it, too? Now how much would you pay?
Introducing new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets with MV Technology. Our flavorologists have taken the humble mayonnaise packet and – finally – turned it into something that’s actually useful.
Traditional packets have to be opened and squirted to deliver their contents to the target area. This is time consuming and messy. Has this ever happened to you? And driving a car? Forget about it! That mayonnaise might as well be in the jar back home.
But with Mayo Kibblins you just place it and go. So easy even an American can do it!
Here’s how it works:
Regular mayonnaise packets are made from non-biodegradable materials like lead, arsenic, butter flavor and nuclear waste. But Mayo Kibblins packets are specially designed to be eaten. The secret is the micro-thin layer of bioengineered edible husks from Monsanto that are powered by pass-thru nanites. Simply put: You don’t have to open the packet because it is designed to be eaten. Take that, silica gel!
When bitten, these husks invisibly break down and allow the creamy white sauce to squirt right out – into your mouth, sandwich or wherever you need it to go! No more mess. No more fuss!
The result is the most viscous mayonnaise flavor you’ve ever experienced. And since the husks are flavorless, your sandwich is as delicious as ever. Husks will soon be available in 42 different texture profiles to enhance the chewing experience, too. Want horseradish “mouthfeel” only without the bite? No problem! Mayo Kibblins can handle that job with style.
Look for new Abyss Mayo Kibblins Packets today in drug stores, hardware stores and wherever fine pool chemicals are sold. (Not available in grocery stores.)
Breaking the poop barrier
ZOMG. Yesterday we went to [gasp] Wal-Mart. Again.
My wife was invited to her cousin’s baby shower. Apparently there was a gift registry at Wal-Mart. My wife wanted to go, so we went.
Not to give away too much of the plot behind this post, but after about five minutes in the store, my wife was overheard to say, “The hell with this fucking place!”
Oh yeah. Now I’m interested. 🙂
The wife had it in her head to get cloth diapers. So to the baby section we went. It was the second time I’d set foot in that area of the store in my life. The first, of course, was the last time she needed baby shower gifts.
She searched and searched and searched and could not find cloth diapers. It was futile. I even helped her. The quest for cloth diapers was epic fail. However, I slowly became aware that there was a shitload of diaper styles to choose from, if you’ll excuse the pun.
Some of them that caught my eye included (and none of these are made up):
- Baby Dry – Erm. Isn’t that the purpose of all diapers? These ones were apparently for “newborns.”
- Natural Fit – Yeah, don’t bother with the unnatural fit diapers. What are you? Some kind of loser? Your baby wants comfort!
- Snug and Dry – Snug sounds good.
- Little Snugglers – More for the newborn!
- Ultra Leakguards – Um, yeah! Forget dryness. I don’t want pee on me!
- Little Movers – Apparently for babies on the go.
- Supreme Little Movers – For upper class babies on the go?
- Little Movers Jeans – For those delicate times you need your diapers to look like blue jeans.
- Swaddlers Sensitive – Helping a sensitive tushy sounds noble, but where is the snug, dry, blowout, leakguard protection?
- Extra Protection – This one comes with a secret compartment for your handgun.
- Premium Stretch – Your baby must be fat or a descendant of the Fantastic 4
- Boys Underpants – It’s still a diaper but you feel so much more sophisticated and older.
- Ultratrim – Lets air through, presumably to carry smells to innocent passerby.
- Ultratrim Baby-Shaped – OK, who’s the dumb ass that would ever buy the other kind?
- Cruisers Dry Max – Because nothing should say “chicks” like a diaper.
- Overnites – Apparently all of the others can only be worn in the day time.
- Preemies – Gentle umbilical cord care – need we say more? For those who just can’t wait.
- Pure and Natural – That refers to the diaper, not the baby. It’s not easy being green.
- Stages Swaddlers – Start at level 1, gain experience and work your way up!
Note: To keep this list from getting unnecessarily long, all diapers for dogs have been omitted.
Just how many frickin’ kinds of diapers do we need? There was jumbo, chlorine free, touch of aloe, super absorbent, super dry, sensitive, different stages, hugflex, soft and cozy, non-woven tapes, clothlike backsheets, cotton, breathable, gauze-weave fabric, caterpillar-flex, ultra-skin guard liner, mild cosmetic ingredients, super-stretchy closure tabs, and much much more. Just mix and match these terms and you can design your own new line of diapers fit for an American baby, the best babies on earth.
Any idea why the only thing we couldn’t find in the friggin’ story was disposable diapers? My gut tells me it has a little something to do with wanting you to keep coming back again and again for more. If you bought cloth diapers they’d sell much less of them. We must consume and dispose, consume and dispose. Nothing else will do!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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