Profits of Doom
Oh the humanity! and the savings!
If you thought “Black Friday” was as grisly as our post-industrial modern retail consumerism could get – you thought wrong. Dead wrong.
I often lament what I call the death of empathy in our society. I see it as a contributing factor to all sorts of various ills that plague us.
“So a bunch of people died? Why shouldn’t I use it to make a quick buck?”
Thanks for playing, but if you have to ask, it’s already too late for you. KERCHUNK! Here ya go. I just punched your one-way ticket to Hell. Have a nice trip.
If there’s one clear and present danger to the world of retail it’s this: There aren’t enough days in the year for sales. Am I right? We need more sales! 365 days just isn’t enough. For too long we have been limited by the rules of decorum and shit that makes sense, like crafting “sales” around events like holidays, birthdays and fun stuff.
No longer will we be limited so harshly. There are savings to be had. Swing open the gates of Hell. It’s time to cash in on human suffering. These savings are gonna be good.
ABC News can eat my ass
The internet is not just a series of tubes. My God! It’s full of links!
Today, while my mind was contentedly numb and was clicking things on the internet like a monkey pushing a button for a reward (mmm, banana!) I happened to click a link that led to ABC News.
What can one say about the ABC News internet experience?
First, before you even get to the page, you are subjected to a full page advertisement and the option to “skip this ad.”
Here’s the link that aroused my ire and prompted this post: ABC News
The next thing you notice is that your browser says, “Hey. Psst! I have prevented a popup window.”
At the top of the page is a giant banner ad. It’s moving, of course. It’s flashing and trying to get your attention.
Near the top right of the screen is a rectangular ad area that flashes every five seconds or so, encouraging you to click “Play” to watch more about some ABC television show.
And then, without your prior consent, on the left side of the page and embedded in the article, is a video window. It automatically starts to play, sucking up your internet connection and most annoying of all, it begins to pump out sound from your speakers!
That’s just damn rude.
What’s the etiquette of stealing bandwidth from people who decidedly did NOT click “Play” on your video? And then surprising them with sound?
Is your baby laying in your arms asleep? Too fucking bad, says ABC News. We’ll wake that son of a bitch up. We have gots to get paid, yo.
Angry, I immediately located and clicked the MUTE button on the fucking thing. I was almost shocked when it actually worked. Alas, I was not that shocked when the click also brought up a popup window with yet another advertisement. Shit, I thought my browser was blocking those? Apparently not this one.
In the time I’ve been composing this post, that embedded video has been happily playing. Each time I go back and glance at that tab, the video is still playing, thankfully still without sound.
In a smaller box, still within the article, is embedded more advertising. This time a small box labeled “sponsored links.” Scroll down a bit to the bottom of the article and you’ll find two more boxes of sponsored links.
All told I found no less than five items on the web page labeled as “advertisement” or “sponsored links.” This does not include the ad I was forced to skip to land on the page. Nor does it include the two popup windows (one blocked, one that got through.) And, lastly, it does not include the commercial video that started playing with sound when I first loaded the page.
Hey, ABC News. I got a question, and then I have a follow-up. Greed much? And why are you such a bunch of motherfuckers?
I can’t help but wonder what percentage of internet traffic is bandwidth consumed by video and sound that no one ever requested? I bet it’s a lot. It probably ranks right up there with spam and porn thanks to the greed of organizations like ABC News.
This doesn’t come as much of a surprise. Television networks are the same people who decided to stick their logo on the corner of the screen when watching their programs. God forbid we forget what channel we’re watching. Except during commercials, of course. And then they decided to build in commercials during the programming in the form of moving images advertising the next show you should be watching. And then, naturally completing the progression, they added sound to those moving promos in the bottom left corner of the screen.
Fuck the viewer. The viewing experience be damned!
Never again will you be able to watch a show without being bombarded at the same time with commercials for the next show.
How much is enough? When will they say when? How many times do they need to get paid?
I’ve got an idea. How about making a web page that is informative with actual content and making the advertising proportional to the rest of the page? And how about keeping video and sound from coming on unless we ask for it?
Is that too much to ask? You betcha!
Is the audience the customer? No. The advertiser is the customer. And they’ll never ever let you forget that.
Moderation is not a word in the Advertiser’s Dictionary. Just how many boats can you water ski behind?
Hey, ABC News. Can I please read a news story without you spamming the fuck out of all five senses? That would be great.
Always Be Opposing
Hi there! I'll be your douchbag for this call!
ABC – Always Be Closing
Once I was hired for a job at a tech company. I’m a tech kind of guy. Tech is what I love to do for a living. I was interviewed and screened. Throughout the process I stressed that I didn’t want a sales position. I was told repeatedly the position was not sales. I was taken to meet the CEO. He presented the profit sharing plans and other fantastically creative benefits, stressing that these were “in the works” and something they “hoped” to offer “down the road.” Oh, and yeah, the position I was being hired for wasn’t sales. I had the CEO’s personal assurance on that.
I was subsequently hired and my first day was a Wednesday. I spent the entire day sitting in a chair by a salesman’s desk listening to him sell things on the phone. I shit you not. There was no orientation, no H.R. visit. Just go sit in a friggin’ chair.
I was told that on Monday I’d finally start training for my real job. They didn’t have what you’d call an official “training program.” So I sat there all day, bored out of my fucking skull, listening to this guy talk on the phone. It was so bad I wanted to reenact the final scene from The Deer Hunter. In his spare time, though, the salesman would actually interact with me and teach me vital “tech” things like: ABC – Always Be Closing.
Thursday and Friday my days were spent doing the exact same thing. Sitting and listening to this guy talk on the phone. Then, on Friday afternoon, they said my training would be postponed at least one full week. I was scheduled for, you guessed it, one more full week of sitting in a chair listening to a salesman talk on the phone.
I politely told them where they could stick their job and that I would not be back.
And that’s the cheerful story about how I learned all about ABC – Always Be Closing. 🙂
How many salespersons out there forget this very basic rule? And what does it mean to be “closing?”
I’m going to hazard a guess and suggest that “closing” doesn’t include things like harassment, rudeness, being pushy, not listening, automated phone calls, making the person who answers the phone wait for you to pick up the line, etc. You know, the various and assorted aspects of douchebaggery.
Keep in mind that this post is about people trying to SELL stuff to me. Not the other way around.
Do not get my dander up or NO SALE
Lesson One: Don’t call my cell phone. Ever. This is the ultimate in rudeness. Fortunately for me, my cell phone days are numbered. I shot my TV and next I’m shooting my cell. Then I’m going to paint my face and run through the rain forest nearby screaming FREEDOM!!!
Lesson Two: Don’t call my cell phone. Ever. I’m already on the do not call list, so why the fuck are you even calling me? If you try to pull that loophole shit on me that the weak ass “do not call” act gives you permission, like I walked by your store within the last 18 months, you will not find me very receptive to the “let’s use a loophole to try to make a sale” approach. In fact, I’ll be wishing you a pleasant journey to a very warm place for attempting such a hideous thing.
Lesson Three: Don’t call my cell phone. Evar. Personally if I don’t recognize the number you can kiss my grits. I’ll never pick up. You’re just wasting my time (and yours). And I ignore all calls that come in without caller ID. In fact, I pound the reject key as fast as I possibly can to prevent you from reaching my voice mail, too, so do not try to be sneaky.
Lesson Four: Don’t harass your existing customers. I may already have the misfortune and retardation required to be doing business with you. That does not give you permission to call me daily and ask me to “upgrade” to your fucking bundle. THIS MEANS YOU, CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS!!! Being your customer (a temporary condition that will be remedied soon) is not an automatic invitation to be your phone bitch, yo.
Lesson Five: Don’t call me at work, dumb ass. This is not the time to listen to your spiel about how you want to rip me off.
Lesson Six: Learn some basic manners. Seriously. Do you really think that being rude and pushy is going to close the sale? I cannot stress this enough. Acting like a rude impatient ass is NEVER going to encourage me to give you my money. I don’t care if you have Jessica Alba herself in a box. I won’t buy from you.
It cracks me up that I actually know more about landing a sale than 90% of the idiot assholes who call me on the phone. And that concludes our little course on “salesperson things not to do” for today.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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