I’ve looked at tequila from both sides now – Das Boot
It was a simple request.
“You want us to watch for anything special when we hit the thrift stores?”
“Sure. A glass boot.”
(laughing) “Yeah, right. Be serious, you ass!”
“I am being serious. It’s a boot, made out of class, maybe two feet high. My parents had one. I remember it had a German beer label on it. You drink beer from it. I always wanted to do that.”
They came back with a set of of little tiny glass cowboy boots. Not exactly the same, but yee haw. Let’s fill that son of a bitch with some tequila! I think that’s perfect glassware for the Abyss.
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Pine Near Whoa Man: Vegetarian Cowboy Pizza
When you go vegetarian there is a surprising truth that awaits that takes you totally by surprise: Cheese instantly becomes the most important lover in your life.
No longer do you ask the question, “What’s for dinner?”
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Cooking with Tom B.
I’ve been cooking all of my life. Mostly with food. And sometimes I even eat what I cook.
And guess what? I’m still here.
About six years ago, though, something happened that brought a dramatic change to my cooking life.
I married a woman who is “gourmet” in the kitchen. All of the sudden it was goat cheese (yuck), blue cheese crumbles (yum), and things like caprese salad and amuse-bouche.
I realized that my way of cooking was slowly being lost and that if I didn’t do something, it would completely disappear and then the world would forever be without that knowledge.
Thus the idea for my newest project: Cooking with Tom B.
I know what you are saying. What are this guy’s qualifications? Let me put that to rest right up front. I was taught by my father, inventor of things like his “world famous spaghetti sauce” and “hot dog juice soup.” I have taken his trainings and built upon them adding my own twists.
The focus of my show will be cooks who don’t have time, want to cut corners, and favor techniques that result in the least amount of dishes that will need to be washed.
Here’s some of what will be featured during season one of my new show:
- Tom’s Bonus Tip #1 – Curl your fingers back when slicing and dicing. Yeah, this is famous advice from chefs. But based on how many cutting accidents there are on cooking shows like Top Chef and Iron Chef by the “experts” I think this bears repeating. Most of the time you don’t want blood all over your food. You also don’t want to be emergency wrapped up like a mummy, then suffer through the high drama of “look at me – I can still cook even with tendons showing!”
- Episode #1 – No Salt of the Earth. In the series premier I expound on my theories of the American sodium-rich diet and advocate the modern salt-less kitchen.
- Episode #2 – Safety before Flavor. A special safety-first episode where demonstrate things not to do, like knocking knives off the counter on your bare feet, the proper way to wield a peeler, and avoiding painful skin on graters. Bonus product: Apron that says, “I’m the cook so fork you!”
- Episode #3 – Where’s the Particalized Beef? Making decidedly unauthentic ethnic foods like tacos? Then this episode is a must. I’ll show you how to cook ground beef while obtaining the smallest possible pieces that can still legally be called “food.” Bonus tips: Avoiding chunks. Shorter cooking time means less pleasing browning. Choosing the right fat content. Cold start.
- Episode #4 – Pound Sand not Chicken. This episode teaches time-honored time saving techniques for preparing chicken. I’ll show you how not to pound a chicken and how not to trim excess fat. Bonus tips: Not worrying about the hidden chunky and cartilage parts.
- Episode #5 – Attack it with Packet. Cooking takes too much time. That’s where packets come in. This show is our first broadcast on location, coming to you from Casa Mexicana (hosted by Lawry’s) at Disneyland, Anaheim. Dishes will include “Hot Taco” tacos (muy spicy), original style spaghetti, meat loaf, and, of course, sloppy joes.
- Episode #6 – Secret Ingredients Garden. Learn more about hidden treasures found in your neighborhood grocery story like mini cans of mushrooms known as “pieces and stems” and many more.
- Episode #7 – It’s all about the Ketchup. A whole episode devoted to my favorite condiment of all time. Pairings include: macaroni and cheese, omelets, hot dogs, fries, burgers, potato chips, tacos, hash browns, steak, fried eggs, cottage cheese, mashed potatoes, scrapple, onion rings, pasta, ice cream and tuna sandwich.
More episodes are possible depending on how many more things I might do wrong in the kitchen. Stay tuned and Bone Appetite.
I don’t know (BBQ) beans
I am now recovering from The Cooking Incident. This post has bumped, temporarily, the previously scheduled post about The Camping Incident. (Which is still to come at some later date.)
This was an incident of titanic proportions.
I had decided it would be fun to make some BBQ beans for the Fourth of July. I took out my gigantor America’s Test Kitchen Cookbook and found the recipe. I noticed right way that it contained bacon. (That’s out because my wife is vegetarian.) No worries. I’d just leave that out and find another ingredient that was almost as much fun.
I searched the net and found a recipe that contained green pepper. I love green pepper. The wife said no.
One recipe contained chipotle chilies in an adobo sauce. We happened to have some frozen in the fridge. The wife said yes.
An interesting idea was tossing in some fresh mango. The wife said no. “I don’t like fruit in my beans,” she said.
Lastly, I had the idea of dumping in some bourbon which is always a great idea IMHO. The wife said yes.
With the ingredient lineup approved, I went to work. The recipe called for a dutch oven. The wife recommended our cast iron dutch oven. This moment would turn out to be akin to Captain Smith ignoring the iceberg warnings, although I did not know it yet. Continue reading →
Pine Near Whoa Man: Cleansing Quiche
Ever heard the expression, “I’ll wash your mouth out with soap?” I have. A lot.
Today we’ll literally do that and enjoy a delicious quiche – all at the same time!
I learned how to make my first quiche during three years of French in high school. That’s also where I got my first taste of escargot or what most of us call “snails.” Loosely translated, escargot in English means “chewy disgusting life forms drowned in butter.”
Recently I came across a bottle of Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap. Damn, that stuff smells good. Now I get hungry every time I wash my hands.
So I decided to combine the best of both worlds. I now present my humble creation, Cleansing Quiche. Viola!
Cleaning Quiche ala Shouts
3 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 cup Wheat Thins Snack Crackers – Sundried Tomato & Basil
1/2 cup sliced onions
1 teaspoon chopped, fresh marjoram
Freshly ground black pepper
3/4 cup Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap
3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Roll Wheat Thins with a rolling pin until finely crushed. This may be done in small batches.
3. Drizzle olive oil in a skillet and cook onions and marjoram over medium heat for two minutes until onions are translucent.
4. Combine salt, pepper and eggs in a bowl and stir until combined.
5. Gently fold hand soap into egg mixture. Do not over stir or bubbling may occur.
6. Add the egg mixture to the sautéed onions and stir to incorporate the onions. Cook the frittata on the stovetop until the eggs start to set, then transfer the skillet to the oven. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, or until firm.
Variations: Increase hand soap to two cups and use uncooked mixture as a delicious cleansing colonic. Pour into a pre-warmed collins glass. Serves 1 to 2.
Go ahead and indulge with a spew of profanity before enjoying your first bite of this inspired quiche. Might as well slip a freebie in before deliciously washing your mouth out with every soapy bite.
This invention was inspired by this tweet:
Is it okay to drink Lemongrass & Basil antibacterial hand soap? It smells delicious!