Category Archives: guest blog

Guest Post: Big Five Oh

poetryI recently celebrated suffered through a so-called milestone birthday. There was, of course, the obligatory birthday card with all the standard jokes about walkers, eyesight, driving, Geritol and Viagra, as required by law in all states (except Florida). As I desperately scrabbled at the card searching for currency a poem fell to the floor. (See below.) I threw out my back bending over to pick it up.

On the plus side, my wife took me to a strip club. Whoa! She cleverly got me wasted on tequila shots and pints of beer before revealing the destination so I wouldn’t enjoy and/or remember the experience. Still, it was quite a surprise and she treated me to the first “lap dance” of my entire life (I don’t get out much) which consisted of three-minutes of quasi-hugging a naked woman in a semi-private room for $40. (Which, by the way, came out of my wallet.)

Although drunk, I still possessed my math wits. I pulled my iPad out of my pants and used it to calculate the hourly rate of “lap dance” at $800 per hour. That is so not worth it.

To add insult to injury the stripper adult entertainment professional was way more into my wife than she was with me. Downright handsy if you know what I mean. That hurt. There’s nothing quite like a birthday to reinforce your position on the food chain.

She says I can have my next lap dance in another 50 years.

Happy birthday to me!

Ode to My Husband
by Mrs. Abyss
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Bye Bye Bitches

keep-calm-and-bye-bye-bitchesFrom time to time here in the Abyss we receive unsolicited manuscripts. I want to assure the loyal reader that Mrs. Abyss was not coached in any way, shape or form by yours truly and came up with the following missive completely on her own. She did steal my cow orker bit, though. -Ed.

This is a true account of one girl’s departure from the fiery pit of Hell known as… work. She had the courage to claw her way out but not before facing four long years of pain, suffering, under-appreciation, long hours, criticisms, crawling from under the bus, anger, hatred, hysterical laughter and gut-wrenching tears.

But alas she escaped, bloodied and with broken fingernails, scars across her back, evil images burned in her mind, clothes dirty and torn… but with a smile on her face. A smile of freedom.

The Notice

I gave a three-week notice. I’m a sicko.
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[Guest Post] 2012 The Year in Respew

This year, rather than post the same “hey look at me!” crapola found on every other WordPress blog (no offense intended) I decided to do something different. I asked my wife to share her favorite blog posts from 2012 and offer commentary. Her detailed remarks, verbatim quotations, and links to her hand-selected posts are found under the video below.

Enjoy!

-Ed

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Speak No Evil, Tweet No Evil

Here in the Abyss we are proud to afford equal time for opposing points of view. In this episode, humor columnist Michael A. Stusser finds himself under a cloud of negativity and seeks out a “positivity intervention.” Let’s watch!

Speak No Evil, Tweet No Evil
Michael A. Stusser

Perhaps it was the corrosive nature of the websites I frequented. Maybe it was the inebriated pack of bullshitters I hung out with and our constant blasphemous banter, or the incessant cable-news cycle where frenzied and extreme viewpoints crowd out reasoned deliberation. Then again, it could have been the naked photos I found of my wife with another man that finally sent me over the edge. Regardless of the last straw, an omnipresent cloud of negativity was slowly but surely poisoning my future—and I aimed to do something about it.
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