Category Archives: demotivational dictionary

This Weak In God

God grilling up some Barack Obama voters with a haberno chutney sauce. Fresh, bold flavors to die for.

News of the godly keeps reaching these pious ears. I need to improve my shields. It’s not my fault, though. I can’t help it that they’re always up to something.

Yes, the culture war is on like Donkey Kong and going strong. Make no mistake about it. It is a real war. But what to do when the team with God on their side won’t even adhere to weak-ass standards that amount to a hill of beans, even when compared to the Geneva Convention? Remain resolute and stay strong. Remember: This too shall pass. There will come a day when differing beliefs are respected and we’ll all treat each other nicely. A day when we can all be united Americans. Until then, here’s some recent news.

Under U.S. law churches are prohibited against campaigning for political candidates. Those who hate unions might understand why. So what did Catholic bishops do in the run-up to election day? Campaign for Mitt Romney, of course. Although the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops might not have officially violated tax-laws some individual rogue bishops may have gone too far. Some observers and watchdog groups are saying actions by Catholic bishops during the election violated the church’s tax exempt status.

A law that says churches have to stay out of politics or risk losing their tax exempt status is a good idea. But who has one of the most powerful anti-abortion lobbies in the United States? You guessed it. The Catholic Church. And meanwhile, the Mormon church makes no bones about its desire to have a “seat” at the “policy making table.” It turns out that churches are just like everyone else: They want to shape the world into their own image.
Continue reading →

Freshly Flailing

And now a reading from our Demotivational Dictionary:

freshly flailing – when a comment from a newbie to your blog sparks the tiniest seed of hope that maybe, just maybe, your blog has been featured on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed page when, of course, it hasn’t.


“I was freshly flailing this morning.”

Rest easy, world. It’s another day and the pigs are still not flying out of my butt.

V is for Vexting

InternetThere I was, laying in bed this morning, and minding my own business. Suddenly a shot rang out.

Oh, wait. No, scratch that. Sorry, I got a little too carried away there for a moment.

I was laying in bed and thinking ahead to this very post. What was I going to do with the letter “V” in the A-Z Blogger Challenge? In my mind I arranged different vowels after “V” and let different V-words come to mind. Eventually I settled on the word “vex.” Yes, I thought, mostly to myself. I can probably do something with “vex.” And then: discovery! I invented the word “vexting.”

Or so I thought.

Curse you, internets!

I fired up Google and punched it in. And there it was, on the Urban Dictionary, circa Dec. 16, 2009. Holy shit.

Why can’t any of my inventions ever be original? We’ve all got our special gifts, talents, and God-given abilities, right? Mine seems to be inventing things that already exist. A talent like that is a curiosity, a mere trifle. It doesn’t seem to do much when it comes to lavishing power and riches on yours truly.

By now, though, that’s something I’ve mostly accepted and adjusted to.

Vexting was gonna be another word in my so-called “demotivational dictionary.” It was gonna be something.

vexting – the act of making others angry while texting

Ex: “Did you see that son of a bitch? He was vexting all over the sidewalk – while pushing a baby in a stroller! That makes me sick!”

Well, you heard it here second, folks, and from a classic all-American duplicate. [dialing] “Hello, Universe? Yes, this is the little speck of an Earthling known as Tom. I’ll take another participant ribbon, please. Thanks.” [click]

I apologize. My treatment of the letter “V” in this challenge has been deplorable. I will therefore have to provide a bonus entry to try to salvage the situation.

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn
Remember how she said that
We would meet again
Some sunny day
Vera! Vera!
What has become of you
Does anybody else in here
Feel the way I do?

Says Wikipedia:

Dame Vera Lynn, DBE (born Vera Margaret Welch on 20 March 1917)  is an English singer and actress whose musical recordings and performances were enormously popular during World War II. During the war she toured Egypt, India and Burma, giving outdoor concerts for the troops. She was called “The Forces’ Sweetheart”; the songs most associated with her are “We’ll Meet Again” and “The White Cliffs of Dover”. She remained popular after the war, appearing on radio and television in the UK and the United States and recording such hits as “Auf Wiederseh’n Sweetheart” and “My Son, My Son”. In 2009 she became the oldest living artist to make it to No. 1 on the British album chart, at the age of 92. She has devoted much time and energy to charity work connected with ex-servicemen, disabled children and breast cancer. She is still held in great affection by veterans of the Second World War and in 2000 was named the Briton who best exemplified the spirit of the twentieth century.

She’s still alive, too. 94 years old and still going. Wow.

This is my “V” post for the April 2011 “A to Z Blogging Challenge.”

More entries from the demotivational dictionary

To continue the one-year celebrations here on the blog, I thought it would be fun to bring back another one of the failed memes from the past for a guest appearance. After all, if it sucked once it can suck again!

My original thought was that the Demotivational Dictionary would be an ongoing thing. But it only ever got used three times. Twice in Oct. 2009 and once in Feb. 2010 and that was it.

It then died a horrible death and was completely forgotten.

That makes it perfect for a comeback!

Here are a few more entries that I came up with this morning while in the shower. I also sketched out in my mind three more episodes of Hyppo and Critter. Yeah! Yes, the shower where I do a lot of my best thinking. On the other hand I can’t remember if I washed my hair or not. Oh well.

time – Life’s biggest mindfuck.

work – Something you have to do in order to keep your stuff and have food to eat where people dumber than you treat you like shit and command you to do idiotic things.

companyA formalized association of humans organized into a group with an overt function of making money and an implied function of fucking each over as much as possible. The best companies are ones where the overt and implied goals are at each other’s throats to the maximum extent.

Footnote: I know dictionaries are boring but thanks for reading all the way to the end. I hope this post wasn’t too intellectual.

Word of the day: holiday

Sometimes you get lucky. Yeah, sure you do.

Like this morning. The drive to work was downright delightfully free of the normal homicidal traffic. “Must be my lucky day,” I thought to myself.

Ha! How naive. Would someone please take a Lousiville Slugger to my skull and wake me up from my stupidity. I lost mind mind, just for a moment, and forgot my powers of negativity.

This afternoon when the mail carrier failed to pick our outgoing crappy widgets it finally dawned on me.

Today is some sort of holiday!

D’oh! That’s right. Today is go-out-and-by-some-shit day. Hello, my name is Abyss and I’ll be your shit vendor today.

Argh! What I stupidly thought was “luck” was actually the exact opposite. I was the poor sap at work while most everyone else was enjoying a bonus day off.

holidaya day that you go to work like always while most everyone else gets to relax.

Dropping hip new lingo for our modern times

Moon plaqueSeems like every time I take the time to blink there is some new word or phrase that I have to catch up with. It can be downright crazy. I think the urge to create new words is just another form of labeling. It satisfies the human urge to categorize, especially when it comes to putting people into neat, tidy little boxes. We like it when we can think of things they way we feel they should be, which can sometimes be inconveniently divorced from reality. Ultimately it’s just another insult and method for putting down people who don’t agree with you.

I thought I’d take a little time and see how many of these new words I can list.

Birthers – These are the folks who say that Obama’s Hawaiian certified copy of live birth is fake and/or Hawaiian officials are part of a conspiracy and/or Obama’s gradma watched him being born in Kenya and/or Obama has some sort of weird dual citizenship issue that precludes him from being president, etc. Interestingly enough there are several competing factions who produce their fraudulent documents and file their lawsuits and don’t trust fellow birthers with wierdo variant theories. But that doesn’t stop some from still believing these theories. Thus they have earned the proud name of “birthers.”

Preppers – Some people who believe the end of the world is near so they are busy stocking up on guns, ammo, food and survival supplies. I can’t help but wonder, though, what good will any of that crap serve if the world does actually end??? You can’t take it with you, right?

Truthers – Also known as the “9/11 Truth Movement” these are people who think that the government had something to do with the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and that the “mainstream” media has failed to report the real truth of what actually happened that day.

Deathers – These are folks who are anti-Obama and anti-health care reform. They believe that health care reform will result in mass euthanasia of the elderly and other people as a viable method of making the plan cheaper. Less people alive means less money spent on health care, right? I guess the most famous deather of all would have to be former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin who worked so hard to make “death panels” a household phrase.

Warmers – Idiots who refuse to accept the massive “truth” that global warming is the biggest lie of all time have earned this appellation. Global warming may very well be one of the most complex theories of all time, one that is completely unprovable by mere humans, and, unlike some claim, there is no clear consensus of scientists one way or the other, so let’s insult the other side by putting them down with this particular label.

Get a brain moransTeabaggers – Damn them for perverting this once wholesome term. This group of folks doesn’t like the direction our country is heading and they have wisely concluded that if it worked once in Boston, heck, it’ll probably work again. They busy themselves making protest signs, sporting shirts that say things like “revive the revolution” and quoting Thomas Jefferson: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Blood? Revolution? Are you actually threatening our country?

Thrown Under The Bus – This phrase earns a lifetime achievement award for longevity. The phrase has actually been around for a while but really got legs during the 2008 presidential campaign. Since then usage his hit titanic proportions. As someone thrown under the bus on an almost daily basis, I can vouch for it!

Can you think of any others I forgot? Pound that comment function and tell me all about it.

Word of the day: insurance

Insurance is gamblingWelcome to another new feature here on the blog: The Demotivational Dictionary. This is where we take a normal everyday word and strip it down to what it really means and/or look at it in a whole new light.

Today’s word:

insurance – the most crass form of gambling invented by humans so far.

Bonus: This post, by the way, is a “tier-2” blog post. That means it is my second blog post on the same day – somewhat of a rarity around here.