The Scoop of Poop

Source: Rones.

Source: Rones.

Somewhere out there, in the world, is a person I hate. I’ve never met this person, but I hate him or her just the same. I do not allow the fact that I don’t know the person’s identity to slow me down.

I know what they did. That’s enough for me.

It all started and ended (literally) when my wife brought home a cat.

That initiated a dark chain of events known as The Search for the Perfect Scoop.

We went through several plastic iterations of cat poop scoopers. As each one broke and I was forced to search anew, my anger grew.

The purpose of a product is to satisfy some need, right? Apparently I had a fantastical need to buy a new cat poop scoop approximately every 21 days.

There’s nothing quite like the feeling of spending your money on a piece of shit that ends up broken in your hands. The person responsible is probably on the other side of the world. In that moment, what can you do? It’s a very helpless feeling.

Eventually I found a metal cat poop scoop. I’m no dummy. I wasn’t going to be taken with a plastic scoop for $12.99. No way! I reasoned the $20 metal scoop would be worth it in the long run. At long last the circle would be broken and I would reign supreme atop the heap.

I misunderestimated my opponent.

The unknown person had my $20 and I had a metal cat poop scoop. Which leads to an interesting question:

Which do you think is stronger? Metal or poop?

If you replied “metal” I applaud your naive optimism. Because, long story short, poop destroyed that metal motherfucker.

Yesterday I spent my time in vain trying to scoop the detritus out of the litter with the mangled remains of a metal claw.


Somewhere in the world is the person who did this. My enemy is fiendishly clever. This person is wealthier than me. This person lives in a nicer house. This person enjoys the more lavish lifestyle.

All because I spent my $20 on a metal cat poop scoop that was scientifically and deliberately designed to fail within a matter a months. And what is my recourse? There’s no poop scoop fairy to swoop in and make things right. I don’t even know who to sue.

Meanwhile I have an escalating problem on my hands. (So to speak.) I need another scoop. Holy mother of God, why?

7 responses

  1. A fucking brilliant post that had me laughing the entire way through! Not only is it brilliantly written (as always), but it resonates with me, my dear Shout, as a fellow scooper! I admit, I love my cats! I love that they are indoor! They are very low maintenance animals. I’ve babysat friends dogs and while I love most dogs…and pray I don’t get any haters, if you don’t have a fenced in backyard, you are fucked! They stare at you at 5 am and out you go praying they will poop and pee. It is topic for a post and you are so inspiring. Sorry, I got side-tracked. I feel and love you, Shout. I keep using the plastic ones til they break. You have saved me the heartbreak of metal. I’ve always wondered. Why can’t they invent the perfect cat poop scooper? (although it’s the pee that breaks mine). Thank you for a great post!!!! You made my weekend and I’m reposting! A+++++++

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the kind words, the tweet and the reblog! Far too kind. I believe in my heart that the metal scoop is designed to slowly degrade over time, but only when exposed to things like cat pee and cat poop. When all cat friends are forced to buy a new scoop every few months that’s when the Cat Scoop Syndicate obtains ultimate power. The Syndicate may be featured in the next James Bond movie, “Scoop Another Way.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Living Dilbert and commented:
    Forgive me, sweet readers for being so absent, yet again. Still healing from 3rd spinal neck surgery done on 9/18. Silly little things like morphine, Percocet and Valium cloud my brilliant, snarky mind. However, my dear old friend Shout just wrote a brilliant damn doozy I had to share. As a proud cat owner, this is fucking FUNNY! I hope you enjoy as much as I did!! I shall return!!! I’ve been snarky as shit today! Think I’ll do some tweets!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the kind and loving reblog!! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Just shoot the friggen’ cat. SHOOT IT! NOW!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sadly, as the cats are the only life forms I find acceptable on this desolate world, that’s not a viable option. These are, however, the last cats I will ever own. I do not wish to outlive future models. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Cats are amazing. And smart. You should train them to use the toilet. And how to flush. And the correct way to hang a fresh roll of toilet paper. That should be way easier. *grin*

    Liked by 2 people

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