Not A Safe Way


Source: Miserable Men on Instagram.

I lifted my arm to about shoulder height, slightly bent at the elbow, fingers spread outwardly and made a sweeping rotating gesture with my hand. With a deep suggestive voice I quietly said, “You don’t want me to go to the store. You want to drop me off at the house first.”

They say the Force can have a powerful effect on the weak-minded. That doesn’t include wives. The car pulled into the grocery store lot and we parked.

In situations like these I have a simple plan. Exercise my freedom of choice, my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. By that I mean grab something and put it in the shopping cart to teach my wife a lesson. Something that will make her rethink ever attempting anything like this ever again.

After we entered the store, grabbed a cart and veered to one side to begin our slow back-forth journey sideling through the entire establishment, the perfect item presented itself in the very first cold case I spied. Perfecto!

Hard clear plastic shell boxes of boneless chicken bites coated in various sauces beckoned. Yes! There was buffalo style and honey bbq and more. My hand automatically reached out, trying to decide between the two. Only $7.99 per container, too.

Hmm. Wait a moment. How much do these things weigh? 11 ounces. Clever bastards. Such an odd size, hmm? The box was clearly designed to appear like it was a standard unit of measurement. “Little old me?” it seemed to suggest. “I look a lot like a pound, don’t I?”

Quickly I did the math in my head. That’s almost $12 a pound, I figured. Motherfuckers.

Even the trendy green grocery a few blocks from my house didn’t charge that much for the buffet style foods in the hot case. Why, just the other day, I had picked up $22 worth of bbq chicken, macaroni and cheese, and sauced, mysterious tofu-like cubes for only $7.99 a pound. Yeah, that stuff weighs more than you think.

And no, I didn’t eat it all in one sitting. I divided it into two reasonable portions of 1.4 pounds each. C’mon!!!

Safeway actually thought this shit was worth fifty percent more? Not so fast. Slowly I lowered my hand and walked away. The lesson would have to wait.

2 responses

  1. My english teacher in high school hated shopping he would put heavy items they didn’t need in his wife’s shopping cart…such as large bags of dog food for the dog they never owned in protest of the store. haha. My grandfather always just slept in the car.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Peaceful protest is our right. 🙂 I hate shopping as an “activity.” To me it’s a military operation. Ingress, employ best waypoints to objectives, then egress and return to home base. It is most definitely not something to be enjoyed. It’s work.

      Liked by 1 person

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