There’s no use crying about it. Valentine’s Day is upon us. It’s not like there’s anything we can do to stop it. Be mine.

At least we’ve got Christian Grey to take away the sting of days like this. That’s bound to be good, right? (Then again, maybe not. These are just comments off the cuff.) Oh well, let’s see what I can whip up.

Cryin’ Man
(sung to the tune of Iron Man)

I am cryin’ man (robotically auto-tuned)

Is love live or dead?
Muff the day and she’ll see red
Did he buy a card?
Spend the night in the yard

Never seen again
He is gone from her world
Proven unworthy
Heart-shaped box is hurled

Have a heart, will ya? At least I’m not going to regale you with ye olde standard complaints oft heard in relation to Valentine’s Day:

• Baby, I love you 24/7/365. It’s offensive…