I believe that The Bible is incomplete. Each and every book should have ended with the sentence: “Well played, God. Welllll played.”
I speak from experience since I believe the point of my life has been to add a new chapter. Hint: It’ll be called The Book of Tom and it’ll be inserted right after Job. Howdy, neighbor!
Take today, for example. Seriously. Please take it.
Yesterday I had yakisoba noodles with chicken for lunch. I ate less than I wanted because I was saving it. For today.
I now read from the Book of Tom:
Tom’s Law #42
Look forward to something and you’ll get exactly what you deserve.
I was really looking forward to lunch today. I think we all know this isn’t going to turn out well. Let us prey.
How much was I looking forward to it? This much. And what went wrong? Everything. And what’s the difference between those two values? The Delta.
Today I flew Delta. It was the first time in my life I’ve ever had a first class ticket.
The journey from sweet anticipation to the worst possible outcome is a turbulent one. Please remain seated and keep your seat belt fastened.
It went down (literally) like this:
Lunch time arrived and I dashed to the kitchen while whistling a happy tune. Cartoon bluebirds fluttered gaily around my head.
I got the leftovers out of the fridge. This is so exciting! I swooned.
I went to the cupboard for a plate. Uh oh. There wasn’t one. What to do? What to do?
Luckily we had backup plates. I glanced at the fancy ones but thought, uh uh. Those aren’t microwave safe. With confidence I grabbed the other plates. The thick ones made of clear glass in the size and shape of Frisbee-style shuriken. That should have been my clue.
Quickly I dumped the food on the plate. None spilled. This was truly my day. I shoved the damn thing in the microwave and punched in three minutes. This was a special dish. I wanted it piping hot! None of that routine boiled outside and cold in the middle microwave fubar today. This was a special occasion.
I don’t remember what I did for the next three minutes. It’s blacked out. I do know that I was a nervous bundle of joy, energy and excitement.
This was my time.
Finally it was ready. I flung open the door and grabbed the plate, being careful only to touch the edges. No, no, no, I thought. You’re not going to burn me. Not this time. I am smart!
I took two steps and then same the sound that shattered the universe.
I remember thinking, wow, that sounds a lot like a bird chirp.
Then, in slow motion in a way very reminisent of the movie Cliffhanger, half of my lunch slowly descended from view. It was, of course, quickly followed by the other half. Somewhere in the universe Mr. Wile E. Coyote spun his legs in midair and defied gravity for three full seconds before following after.
Sir. It’s possible these plates are not entirely microwave safe.
That covers the science portion of this lunch experiment.
Why, God, why?
Yea, he shall go forth and provide the most fragrant of noodles to the animals of the home, but woe be to the tabby who eats of his plate, for there shall be shards of the utmost sharpest glass within, and he will give many coins to the one who calls himself the veterinarian. It is written.
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I’ve waited so long for this day. And now, seeing it in print, it’s almost too much to take. Almost. I’m gonna be a star, baby!
I have really bad news for you. God had nothing to do with this – it was all you. Religion just lets us blame God for it.
Hope today is better!
I’m at war with the universe. During halftime I like to blame God. It makes me feel better. Trust me, he gets absolutely no credit for the good stuff. That’s all me. 🙂