Emperor OS

sneaky-computerI gave my computer some instructions and walked away. Bad move. Does not compute. Syntax error. Non sequitur.

“How dare you show your back to me!” the computer raged indignantly but passive-aggressively. That must be why it remained silent. It knew damn well what it was doing.

Working. Commit. Execute. Hey, little girl. Wanna see my update?

I don’t know why my computer calls me “little girl” but whatever. I kind of like it.

This one time I was leaving on an expedition to climb Mount Everest. I was going to be AFK for a while. Before leaving I told the computer “shut down.” I turned off the screen and walked away.

Six months later I returned home and hauled my broken body to the computer. I turned on the display and found a message waiting.

“The following programs are still running: Untitled – Notepad.” That’s the computerized version of “fuck you.”

I clicked OK then had to wait 20 more minutes to use my computer after it turned itself off.

Then, this week, I decided to do some interval training. That’s what I call periods of non-eating. For that, of course, I needed my headphones and my iPod Touch. You expect me to leave the house with my ears open to any old ambient sounds? Damn you!

I had noticed recently, that all of my Green Day songs were somehow missing on my device. Bloody hell! This will not do. So I hatched what I thought was a brilliant plan. I’d plug the damn thing in to the computer and “sync” all the Green Day back on the device.

I figured this would take a while so I started early. There were approx. 181 songs to bring back over. I told the thing to “sync” and walked away.

Later, it was time to go. I carefully looked at my computer. The sync was complete. So why was my spidey-sense tingling? I turned on the iPod and flipped through the music. Yep! Absolutely no Green Day. Zip. Nada. Bupkis. I guess someone killed the fucking DJ.

Well played.

I clicked “sync” like an idiot and stood there and this time I watched the damn thing. This watched pot was going to boil come Hell or high water. 30 minutes later it was done. And I was already exhausted and I hadn’t even started training yet. 30 minutes of standing plays hell on my back.

Moral of the story? Don’t turn your back on technology. Ever. It will eat you.

4 responses

  1. Eaten ass first. Now that’s a visual you don’t get every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s my signature move.


  2. Do you think the computer waits until you have your back turned before asking — Do you want to proceed? And then twiddling it’s bytes until you respond?


    1. Stephen Hawking wondered about dining room furniture traveling to the surface of the moon until you walked back into visual range. It’s not the simplest explanation, perhaps, but you can’t prove it doesn’t happen, either.


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