I’m in the mood for love. Play me some damn Barry White! Get me a beer, Shelly!

Code Name: Star

Eight Simple Rules For Mating My Mid-Twenties Plotter

Who says there’s no good news anymore? A wedding?!? For reals? Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah! I, for one, am ready for a healthy, deep-cleansing cry. Somebody get me a hanky.

Charles Manson, 80, and Afton Elaine Burton (using the known alias of Star), 26, are getting ready to say the big “I do.” Reportedly the State of California has issued these rambunctious youngsters a license to marry.

I was wondering about the rules in a situation like this. Here goes.

1. No touching!!! Daddy horny, Michael.
2. Write your own vows. I obtained an advance copy of Charlie’s. “If you look down at me you will see a fool; if you look up at me you will see a god; if you look straight at me you will see yourself.” That’s some deep fucking shit. I wasn’t able to get my grubby mitts on a copy of Star’s but I imagine it would be something along the lines of, “These shrooms are making me so high, man.”
3. Sometimes a crazed look in the eye is more than enough.
4. A single serving of Viagra is worth a carton of cigarettes.
5. An appropriate color scheme is crucial to complement the swastika tattoo between your eyes.
6. Scheduling early is crucial if one wishes to be joined together by an officially licensed Church of Satan representative.
7. As a musician, Manson can also be the wedding singer performing his own original songs. No one should have to sit through that. (I offer my services performing the song, Halloween In Heaven; Christmas In Hell.)
8. The couple wishes no gifts from this physical plane of existence (other than Depends) and asks that donations are made in the couple’s name to Toys For Tots.

Charles Manson wedding vows. (Alternate version.)