No GMO

It helps to know some Lonely Island to get the joke in the subject line. -Ed

The citizen initiative in Oregon that would require labeling of GMO foods is polling very tight. It’s still within the margin of error and the undecideds but the nays appear to be holding an ever-so slight lead over the ayes. It is already the most expensive initiative in Oregon’s history. The nay money is pouring in by the millions. Companies like Monsanto, PepsiCo, Mead Johnson and Dow AgroSciences. Isn’t that telling?

As this process is proceeding apace, I thought I’d take a few moments to splice one last point on this important issue.

One thing is being made excruciatingly clear. The people who make food don’t want you to know what the fuck is in there. They don’t want you to know how it’s made. They don’t want you to see how they treat animals. (See so-called Ag Gag laws.) They want to hide unpleasant-sounding ingredients, things they know you decidedly do not want to hear about, behind clever euphemisms like “natural flavors.”

Which would you rather eat? All new fortified Tasty Anus or “natural flavors.” Gosh golly gee willickers. What sounds better in your tummy?

So I thought it over and decided, what if the debate was presented like this?

Suppose I was the food industry and I invited you over to my place for dinner.

I might try to do something nice, assuming I actually gave a shit about you, and find out if you have deadly allergies, like peanuts. After all, I’m not out to kill you, right? I want you to enjoy your meal.

Maybe you tell me that you don’t like yams. Are you allergic? No. Will it kill you? No. You simply don’t like them. That’s all.

How should I react to your humble request? What are my options?

Well, I could honor you as a person and forgo the ingredient. Hahahah! Thanks for the tripe laugh! We all know that’s not gonna fucking happen. Seriously, I didn’t just fall off the pesticide-resistant turnip truck yesterday.

Don’t be so goddamned naive. My dinner is a business. It’s kill or be killed. Nothing matters except profits.

What choices does that leave me?

I could simply say, “I’m not telling. Are there yams in here? You’ll never know!!!” That’s called being a good host.

My other option is lie. Hide it. Distract. Obsfucate.

What would you do? Isn’t this a nice way to treat each other? Doesn’t this sort of attitude help make the world a better place?

I make. You eat. Shut the hell up about it. I’m your host, Mr. GMO. By the way, I can’t believe you ate that. Ha ha ha!

My lies and hate. It’s what’s for dinner.