All the way from international waters comes today’s impromptu Top Ten list.

Top Ten Things Wrong With The Beach

1. Sand.
2. Water.
3. Sun.
4. Too many dogs.
5. Too few cats.
6. Crowds.
7. Attracts small children.
8. Proof of the circle of life scattered as far as the eye can see. See: exoskeleton.
9. Smelly wind.
10. All sandy lumps are potentially dog poop repositories. Step lively.

Bonus: Slowsand. (Swallows far too few people.)

Pro Tip: When you first arrive at the beach excitedly go for a five-mile walk beside the waves. This will effectively cripple you for the rest of your stay.