It’s a Saturday night, weeks ago. The night is going well. Tables are nice, everything is running smoothly and everyone is happy with their experience so far, myself included.

Until the table of Fuckers came in.

I capitalize “Fuckers” because these five people were not a family, but they all embodied the same kind of shitty fuck yourself-ness that I hope would be linked genetically to only one unfortunate bloodline, so that we could kill them off and not have to worry about them ever reappearing. Like Hitler, or the Kardashians. Or Kanye West. But now there’s a hybrid Westashian that we need to watch out for. There’s evil all around, and that kid has already conquered the North, West, and Northwest regions. So. Just look out for that.

I forgot what I’m talking about, so I’ll mention that Katy Perry’s “The One That Got Away” is actually a really…