My Two Tuppence

This and a bucket of spit will buy you a pile of dead hair.

If you invest your suckance
Slyly with a skank
Like a ship run aground
More rewarding than invested in a bank
It will fail to astound
A wallet violently oppressed
And you’ll feel it each time they molest
As your effluence stickily expands
Deftly in the hands
Of the directors
Who invest your liquidity per their horny little glans

So yeah, there was that time I put thousands of dollars in a savings account with that “American” multinational bank. You know the one. Their logo is a red, white and blue flag credit card. Because nothing is more quintessentially American than, “I want it now. I’ll pay for it with credit.” Hey, let’s make our logo a credit card. That’ll show ’em what we’re really about.

And we fall for it.

At the height of my investing career I had $4.8K in the bank. I think Fred Flinstone called $1,000 a KiloKlam. So you might say I had 4.8 KiloKlams in savings. Interest paid by the bank that month?

$0.04.

In English that’s pronounced as “four motherfucking cents.” That’s a lot of tuppence. Excited by this new personal best I called in the Guiness Book Of World Records to verify that it all wasn’t some kind of creepy dream. I had to pinch myself to make sure it was really real!

Well now, that sounds eminently equitable. Indeed. Quite. I loan you $5k and allow you to whore use it as you see fit and you “pay” me 48 cents a year in return. They call it by its technical term “interest.” I call it “insult money.”

Then they loftily state, “We’re reporting your 48 cents in income to the IRS. Ha ha ha!”

It wasn’t really income, though. I ended the fiscal year $4.52 cents in the hole. That’s because the first month after I opened the account with a $25 balance I failed to maintain a $300 balance and did not make another deposit of at least $25. So they charged me a $5 “account maintenance fee” that month. I think that makes damn good cents. In the world of business you want to take a massive shit on your customer’s face as fast as you can so as to define the terms of the ongoing relationship.

In today’s world it must be acceptable to write off your savings account as a business expense? “I’m sorry, old chap. Why did you ever invest in savings? That’s an unacceptable amount of risk.”

In closing I have little else to say except Benjamin Franklin was apparently a douchebag on some exotic of shrooms and ludes. I’ll never fall for any of his crazy talk ever again.